So I got back from that horrific holiday with my family. The one ruined by Mr. Wonderful because he kept accusing me of having cheated on him with my friend of 25 years - yet he is allowed to flirt with an ex from 20 years ago even though she is married with children and obviously unhappy in her relationship. There is no logic in a Narcissist's world - there is only his views, his life, his needs, his wants and what he believes. He may disguise it a putting you first but in the end it is all about how he can manipulate it so that it is all about him.
I get back and he has made me feel as if I had cheated on him. Just to remind you he found an email I wrote to my friend telling him that I just didn't want to tell Mr. W. because of his unbalanced view of males in my life and the fact that he was african american. Mr. W. broke up with me and announced it across FB but then got back with me after making me feel like I had actually done something when I had done NOTHING. The cracks in his facade were showing and I was beginning to see what a liar and selfish ass he was.
So through all this I am still financially supporting him in many ways. I have already given him money to cover his mortgage three times, covered expenses for feeding his horse and have paid to have the horse shod. As time goes by he keeps referring to me as his "soon to be Mrs." and that we will move in together and that when that happens he will pay for the mortgage and utilities because he owes me so much monetarily it will make him feel better because real men don't take money from women. I guess that doesn't apply to me or to his sister. (His sister I will discuss in another post).
Over and over again he would tell me how he loves me and that the past is the past. In my mind there was no past other then his temper tantrums, his over dosing on his pain meds, his taking of my money (when I earn half of what he does) and his childish silent treatments. His constant need for attention was wearing thin and then there was a day when, looking back, I know I was completely under his control.
At his house he had his laptop open all the time. I noticed now and then he would get emails from single sites but, like me, you can get spammed as your address can be added to any number of mailing lists. I asked to look on his computer at a site selling horses as I was always looking but could not afford to buy and he said sure. I went in to type in the URL and in the drop down of sites he had already visited up comes a URL of a singles site he was still active on with horses in the name. I found it and found he had been talking with a female in the US and that he had told her he had not found anyone yet and he was still looking. That she was gorgeous (not) and just his type (anything with a heartbeat). I showed him what I found and HE accused me of snooping. I then realised that all those emails were NOT spam but he was still active on all these sites. I told him if he didn't take down his pages I was gone. He dropped to his knees and begged me. Somehow he managed few tears to add to the effect and I fell for it. Hook, line and sinker. I know I am the fool but he had me wrapped around his finger. Completely.
Over the next few weeks I watched him delete no less then four different pages across singles sites. I made me sick. My insecurities hit an all time high. I treated this man like gold and he was still looking - did that mean I was useless and horrible? Not good enough? Ugly? Fat? Stupid? That is how all this made me feel. It blew everything up into huge proportions. Top that with the fact that his mobile was always on silent and he would text someone without telling me so I knew I had to work harder.
I know reading this back some may think that I should have just walked away but an emotionally abusive relationship is like no other. It is under your skin and tears you apart from the inside. Though Mr. W was uneducated he was smart in knowing how to twist the hearts and minds of the women in his life. As educated and self aware as I was, and am, it's women like myself that attract men like this. They hunt us like prey because we have what they don't - smarts, ambition, success, happiness - things they will never realise or achieve. We supply them with what they themselves are unable to find and when they begin to face this they devalue and discard us. Mr. W wasn't done with me yet so we continued on.
I get back and he has made me feel as if I had cheated on him. Just to remind you he found an email I wrote to my friend telling him that I just didn't want to tell Mr. W. because of his unbalanced view of males in my life and the fact that he was african american. Mr. W. broke up with me and announced it across FB but then got back with me after making me feel like I had actually done something when I had done NOTHING. The cracks in his facade were showing and I was beginning to see what a liar and selfish ass he was.
So through all this I am still financially supporting him in many ways. I have already given him money to cover his mortgage three times, covered expenses for feeding his horse and have paid to have the horse shod. As time goes by he keeps referring to me as his "soon to be Mrs." and that we will move in together and that when that happens he will pay for the mortgage and utilities because he owes me so much monetarily it will make him feel better because real men don't take money from women. I guess that doesn't apply to me or to his sister. (His sister I will discuss in another post).
Over and over again he would tell me how he loves me and that the past is the past. In my mind there was no past other then his temper tantrums, his over dosing on his pain meds, his taking of my money (when I earn half of what he does) and his childish silent treatments. His constant need for attention was wearing thin and then there was a day when, looking back, I know I was completely under his control.
At his house he had his laptop open all the time. I noticed now and then he would get emails from single sites but, like me, you can get spammed as your address can be added to any number of mailing lists. I asked to look on his computer at a site selling horses as I was always looking but could not afford to buy and he said sure. I went in to type in the URL and in the drop down of sites he had already visited up comes a URL of a singles site he was still active on with horses in the name. I found it and found he had been talking with a female in the US and that he had told her he had not found anyone yet and he was still looking. That she was gorgeous (not) and just his type (anything with a heartbeat). I showed him what I found and HE accused me of snooping. I then realised that all those emails were NOT spam but he was still active on all these sites. I told him if he didn't take down his pages I was gone. He dropped to his knees and begged me. Somehow he managed few tears to add to the effect and I fell for it. Hook, line and sinker. I know I am the fool but he had me wrapped around his finger. Completely.
Over the next few weeks I watched him delete no less then four different pages across singles sites. I made me sick. My insecurities hit an all time high. I treated this man like gold and he was still looking - did that mean I was useless and horrible? Not good enough? Ugly? Fat? Stupid? That is how all this made me feel. It blew everything up into huge proportions. Top that with the fact that his mobile was always on silent and he would text someone without telling me so I knew I had to work harder.
I know reading this back some may think that I should have just walked away but an emotionally abusive relationship is like no other. It is under your skin and tears you apart from the inside. Though Mr. W was uneducated he was smart in knowing how to twist the hearts and minds of the women in his life. As educated and self aware as I was, and am, it's women like myself that attract men like this. They hunt us like prey because we have what they don't - smarts, ambition, success, happiness - things they will never realise or achieve. We supply them with what they themselves are unable to find and when they begin to face this they devalue and discard us. Mr. W wasn't done with me yet so we continued on.
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