Saturday, 21 July 2012

No Contact

As simple as it sounds NO CONTACT is one of the most difficult things to stick to at the end of any abusive relationship.

The initial meeting of an abuser is like becoming addicted to a drug - they lovebomb you with all that you may feel you need. Attention, affection, gifts, compliments, and time focused on you. As they do this they learn all they can in order to slowly but surely manipulate, control, isolate you mentally, emotionally and physically. Some are just emotional/mental abusers other resort to physical but almost always we feel helpless as somewhere along the road we have come to believe we need/want them so much we compromise ourselves and ignore our inner truths.

Because of how they do what they do trying to get rid of these animals is like going into rehab.

Unlike rehab where they sometimes give you drug substitutes and wean you off them over time a narcissistic/sociopathic relationship needs to end cold turkey.


There are many reasons for this but I found, in my experience, the more time he wasn't in my life the clearer my world became. I was able to think on my own and see, at times the first time, the patterns of behaviour that were so obvious to others but not to me. The controlling ways, the buttons he pushed, the maneuvering of my friends and family - all of this seemed to rise out of the fog of the relationship into the clarity of a new day.

The first day without my exN was so painful - physically painful - like a harpoon had impaled me straight through the sternum. I couldn't stop thinking of him; wondering where he was and who he was talking to; what HE was thinking of me if he was thinking of me at all. Never mind the fact that he cheated on me during our time together, lied to me, brought me to the brink of bankruptcy - after all that I still wanted him, no NEEDED him in my life.

That is all bull. The intensity of the relationship - the dramas - the ups and downs - created an endorphin like rush that we survive on throughout the relationship and when it is gone our body misses it - just like a junkie and heroine.

But with the proper mindset and support we can overcome the addiction that was the exN.

Believe me when I tell you it isn't easy and there are times you may go back and leave but in the end you can break free and need a normal life.

By employing NO CONTACT you put the past in the past. No phone, no email, no Facebook, no Twitter - NOTHING. Block the addresses, delete the profiles, change the mobile/cell numbers so the exN cannot in anyway get in touch with you and, even after a few days, you will probably feel a lightness of being. No being checked on, stalked, harassed, belittled and insulted - you can do, say or be whatever you like in anyway that you like.

It's not easy and the urge to wanting to KNOW the littlest thing is horrific but you have to fight it and fill your life with family and friends and hobbies and work and anything else. All the things and people that you lost while with the horror of your exN was in your life you can rebuild and take back.

Understandably some may have children or finances to straighten out after a narcissistic/sociopathic relationship. It is always best to go through a third party or just keep things to email and keep it all for records sake - they do so why shouldn't you.

Getting out of these relationships is probably one of the hardest things a person may do in their lives but getting on from one of these relationships is one of the greatest triumphs.

Thursday, 5 July 2012


Admittedly there are times I have wished for revenge - I have raged and wanted to find a way to get back at my exN but common sense always prevailed and I just kept to no contact.

There were moments of weakness though....

At the one year mark of his breaking up with me (not the later date of my removing him from my life) I decided that I wanted to warn women, especially American women, from the blight that is my ex. I found a website in the States that listed cheaters by name and with photos and as a long as what you told was the truth then they could not legally come back at you. Thinking this was a great thing I posted an abbreviated version of what had happened to me and details about my exN - his debt, addiction, abusive nature, his lies and how he operates. Though it was laden with typos as I listed it not knowing I couldn't go back to edit it, I was glad I had done it.

I had posted it the week before Christmas but it took the site until after Christmas to make it live and immediately it was ranking up views but no comments. (By the time it had been viewed 2 million times and rated by 2000 people as 5 star and avoid this man) That didn't bother me as long as people were being educated. Once the new year came around I thought to myself that it was a childish thing to do and was sinking to his immature level so I deactivated the account. What I didn't know was that even though I deactivated the account the posting was not deactivated so it remained for all to see.

Fast forward to about 7 weeks ago.

I get a message that says there have been comments on my posting. I thought this was strange as I had deactivated the account. Well much to my surprise my exN had found the posting and came back with a disgusting, profanity laden response that would have embarrassed anyone upon reading. To my surprise a complete stranger had responded to his comments and cut him down to the bone. He had, of course, said I was fat, disgusting, smelled, was nothing I had said I was - all lies and, as usual, just accusing me of what he had done - what was truly interesting, and my defender pointed out, is that he did not dispute one thing I had stated in my original posting!

He kept coming back to the woman on the site with comments and statements that she slashed through like a knife through butter. Every point she counterpointed and he eventually had no responses left and stated "I am not continuing because you are boring me now....". He was completely convinced it was me but I have kept to no contact.

In his responses he threatened to send a bomb to my home if I told him where I lived. I emailed the site and asked that they please remove the posting but save it for evidence. The removed it within a day.

About a week later the threats began....

First he texted me a message, again, filled with disgusting profanity accusing me of stalking, harassment etc. The usual stuff. Then he emailed my ex-husband trying to get him on his side as if they could be co-conspirators to pull me down. (He had done this with a previous ex) What my sick exN had not realised was that after over a decade of leading separate lives my former husband and I had pretty much reached a level of respect and let bygones be bygones. My ex husband basically told my exN to stop with the veiled threats against me and then my ex husband told me he thought that my exN was obviously nuts.

I decided I was not going to put up with this and called the police.

I went in with B and he listened while I told the police woman what had occurred and presented the evidence of the text and the printout of the email sent to my ex husband. The PC then stated she would ring my exN and then ring me back. I told her he would go on about how he believes I hacked his email account, his acquaintances accounts, his Facebook page, etc. I also said he can be very persuasive but she spoke of how she had been doing this a long time and not to worry. I wasn't to be honest but my exN is coward and vengeful and will not stand being slighted in any way.

I need to mention that I did not mention the cheater site thing because I felt it was in the past and had no relevance - so I thought.

A couple of hours after I made my statement the PC called me back and said she had spoken to him and that she could not get him off the phone. He tended to go off on tangents but she told me that he did mention everything I said he would and that apparently he had called Immigration stating that I was here illegally and making a report and that I had committed numerous offences. When the PC told him that he could make a report right then and there if he wanted against me my exN suddenly didn't have the time. He repeatedly stated that I needed to remove the cheater profile but I had already done that. The PC was pretty much disgusted with him but didn't say so directly.

She told my exN that if he contacted me again or made threats directly or indirectly he would be arrested.

I pity the ex before me because all his anger will now be focused on her.

So what started all this off? I think what had happened was he was chatting up a woman in the states and she Googled him and read the cheater profile and told him to go away hence he flew into a rage looking to get back at me. I can only guess at this but I am betting I am close to what happened because NO ONE stops my exN from closing in on new supply.

I have to say I can only hope that I kept one woman from having to fall victim to my ex before removing the profile.