Monday, 16 January 2012

Lessons Learned

Some of these points may be a DUH to some and sound cheesy to others but, for me, they are pretty important to moving forward:

1. Love yourself - Jerry Maguire has that famous line of "You complete me" - you know what? No one completes you - YOU complete you. Don't start something until you can look in the mirror happy with the person you are inside and out. (now I know there are bits physically we don't like about ourselves but be realistic)

2. If it's too good to be true then it is! - The speed at which Mr. W moved in order to secure me as his supply of mental, emotional and fiscal font was overwhelming. If someone - male or female - tells you within weeks they love you and want to live with you and within months want to marry you then step back and think about it - no really - why would someone be in such a rush? Are they dying within the next few weeks? I am guessing not but for them, for someone who is a Narcissist, the desperate need for ego building supply is an addiction that needs to be fed ASAP. They are emotional vampires and will drain you and leave you to die without a backward glance. As swiftly as they will sweep you off your feet this is a BIG red flag that you need to run the other way.

3. Listen to your friends - as hard as it is to see beyond the rose-tinted glasses of love/lust  your friends can see from outside the bubble what is and what isn't happening. My friends saw that an equal, loving partnership wasn't there and they told me so; they saw his disgusting behaviour with other women and told me; complete strangers came up to me to tell me what they had experienced because they felt I was too nice to be with such a man; I ignored them all after all I was a fixer and I could FIX him.

4. Fixing - there is no way you can "FIX" someone with NPD. They are selfish, ego driven, animals that thrive on instinct alone for what they need and want and your needs and wants are secondary to nothing in their world. They are psychopaths when it comes to calculating what to say and do to get the reaction they want when they want it from their supply. There is nothing about caring for your thoughts and feelings in any way, shape or form.

5. I wasn't crazy - when things don't make sense in your head then believe me, they don't make sense. Mr. W twisted my words and actions so many ways that I couldn't figure out which way was up but when he wasn't speaking or around I knew what had happened and what was said. They will make you feel like you are never right and your perception is never correct but the truth is they want you off balance so you are easier to manipulate and use.

6. There are good people out there - I got lucky and met a man who has been my rock and pillar of strength. They are out there and you eventually have to open up to them but it takes a lot of therapy, talking with friends, and soul searching to know when you are ready. Yes, you chose him but you don't have to repeat the pattern!!!

Know yourself and you will then know what you want and how you want it. This applies to life as well as the people in it. There is no need to have someone in your life that drains all passion and emotion out of you - it isn't easy but once you recognise these people it becomes easy to walk away with head held high.

If I can do it you can do it.

Sunday, 15 January 2012


Since the finale - hmmmm - let's see - He left me bankrupt, with less friends (may have been a good thing), a distrust of almost all men, and a deep loathing of my own body. I had post traumatic stress disorder- every time I went to walk into the town we lived in I would physically shake and vomit. My sleep patterns were completely disrupted with the cognitive dissonance - the constant replay of all the stupid crap he said and did to me. I was full of shame as he had asked my father for my hand in marriage and swore we would move in together especially to pay back the thousands of pounds he owed me and I believed it all. Each time he said he would pay me back, he would take care of me financially and I was the last woman in his life - none of that was true - it was his game to reel me in and take all I had to give - mentally, emotionally and financially.

I got lucky and met B who is understanding, patient and loving. Who has been around the block a time or two like I have and understands I have this baggage. There are moments that he triggers me but he is calm about it and waits it all out. He knows I have no trust when his phone rings and he doesn't tell me who it was so he tells me every time; he knows that Mr. W was and is a thief and always pays me back as soon as possible whether it be 5 pounds or 50 he pays me back; he kisses me and makes me feel like I am the only woman in the world to him NOT competing against every female real and imagined for his attention. B is 100% real adult secure man - something Mr. W never was and never will be.

With Mr. W's broken promises my immigration status was completely messed up but after almost a year the Home Office has allowed a Leave to Remain and I have nothing to worry about as I look to find a job back closer to B.

Mr. W is a stagnated child who was spoiled to the point of never taking responsibility for his actions as a child and an adult. HIs mum passed on and his sister enables and supports his behaviours and even has some of the same over sexualised habits. He has no self worth or self esteem. He is desperate to be the centre of attention and looked up to and admired as if it was his God-given right to be worshipped. Looking back his ways are transparent and obviously rehearsed to the point of it all being automatic and he almost has no recognition that he is doing what he is doing. Everything he accused me of he himself did  - the lying, cheating, the invading of my privacy, that taking without giving back - he did it all and I was so insecure I allowed some of it but he just kept going and going. Right now the thought of him makes me sick to my stomach and angry - so very very very angry. I am working on this anger but it's not easy even after a year.

My life has not been the same since having met him - up and down but I take a bit of comfort knowing Mr. Wonderful is alone and will always be alone. He is incapable of caring about anyone but himself - he is a psychopath and it's scary to know he has a collection of over 50 knives and wishes he could have killed his last employer. He isn't stable and I am glad he is out of my life.

Monday, 9 January 2012

The Finale

Two weeks after the break up I had kept to no contact. That is so necessary in NPD relationships - the best revenge is no contact - they can't handle that your whole world isn't revolving around them and you aren't begging them to come back. Most Narcs will fabricate a reason to call you - usually using something bad or threatening - this is what Mr. W did.

It was a Friday afternoon and I was at work and i get a call on my mobile from him. I was not allowed personal calls but took it and walked out of the office. Mr. W then accused me of hacking his email but the details of what I had supposedly done didn't come out till much later. He threatened me with criminal action if I ever contacted him ever again and all this crap about Data Protection. He then sent me a warning text with stuff he had obviously cut and pasted from other sources thinking that it all sounded important but he was to uneducated to realise that all he had mentioned applied to businesses and not to personal accounts. At that point I had no idea what he was babbling about as he kept going on about how he had proof I was hacking his email and he was going to press charges. Whatever.

After this insane phone call I sent a text to his sister and politely said that it was best that we end our friendship and that she should go take care of her brother and my best to her husband and her dad. 

Mr. W then preceded to contact C and left her 7 different messages each getting angrier and angrier. One even said he was at the police station making a report about me - I did check later on and there was no report about me. C's husband was ready to ring Mr. W and tell him to stop calling C but he eventually stopped recognising which side of the fence she was on. It was in these messages that he told C to keep me away from her laptop or I would use it to hack his FB page because I had hacked his email with a virus. That is how I found out what I had allegedly done as I had had no idea previously. As I have said before, Mr. W had not the ability to understand what I did online as he was not the sharpest knife in the drawer so he just thought that because I understood how advertising works online I knew how to create a virus and deploy it - if I knew how to do that I would be getting a much higher wage. The reality of it is probably he got a virus sent to him by a program that uses a name in his address book - probably female - and he clicked on it which then caused it to populate his address book - he is too uneducated to know to not to do that - unlike the rest of the known world.

To top it all off the following Sunday his brother-in-law calls me - the husband of the sister I was friends with - and he threatens me to get out of the town we live in - after all I can move away as Mr. W can't. He also said I was effecting the happiness of his family and tearing his wife apart - I asked him if she had shown him the text I sent the previous Friday regarding the ending of our friendship - he said no - I said of course not because she is a sh*t stirrer - I told him to get his story straight before making threats. I then asked him if he was going to pay for my moving - he said no - I said then leave me alone - he said to not call Mr. W - I said I hadn't and if he said I had he's a liar - but we already knew that. I told him to tell Mr. W that if he continues to call my friends I will have him arrested and he knows what for. After that I heard nothing from them.

A week after this there was a reunion of the team Mr. W and B both played on. Mr. W posted on the board of the team that he couldn't attend due to a domestic issue involving a former girlfriend and a former player. It's interesting how he makes sure everyone is focused on him. He says he can't attend because of this issue. The truth is more likely that he doesn't have the money to act like he owns the place and buy everyone drinks so he has used this excuse not to go. If he can't be the centre of attention he won't go. He also sent an email to B. B has never showed me that email but I am sure it wasn't nice. When the evening came for the reunion people asked and when B spoke up and said it was him they all laughed because B is a well liked guy and no one ever liked Mr. W. Mr. W thought everyone admired him and gave him a position where he organised everything but the truth was no one else wanted the job so they gave it to him. Mr. W wasn't missed at the reunion.

Since then B and I have become stronger and closer. There are moments he does things that trigger me and there are times I still rage at the amount of money Mr. Wonderful took from me and never paid me back but I know I got away from a horrible situation and I am glad for it. He wasn't a man - he was a monster - a sad low class uneducated monster who would rather let everyone else take responsibility for his mistakes. He used to go on and on about how he was a real man but the truth was he was the farthest from it.

There are moments when I wonder if some poor female has now fallen for him and if I can warn her but then I know it would start all over again. The best I can do is this blog and hope someone out there is helped by it.

Sunday, 8 January 2012

The End Part 2

He called me and says he had been on all these dates and that I had spoiled him. That I was the smartest woman he had ever dated and all these women were dumb. He couldn't listen to their talk talk about nothing. Of course they were all good looking and he only had a kiss and cuddle with some of them but none of them were worth his time because he had let the best one get away - me. Would I meet him for dinner at the pub?

Now understand the pub he was referring to was one I wanted to have Sunday dinner at for a year and he never took me. In fact he never took me on any real dates because that meant his paying for something that wasn't completely about himself. He didn't even pay for the pub dinner because, as usual, he didn't have the money for it so his sister gave him the money.

We talked a bit and he said he would pick me up at a certain time and afterwards we could go visit his horse. Frankly I don't know how he was able to keep his horse without my supplementing his income with my buying all the extra food and treats for him. Of course Mr. W said he would pay me back but he never did but I was worried for the animal more then anything else. I said I would listen to what he had to say and that was it. I bought a nice dress and then brought clothes for the yard.

He picked me up and sat across from him while I ordered wine with my dinner and had everything I wanted. He went on about how we both made mistakes and we both needed to make compromises. I listed off that he needed to stop with the silent mobile, and not telling women he was in a relationship, that he needed to start paying me back and taking me out. He said I needed to stop being jealous and that we all need our privacy and his needs to be respected. I said if we are in a relationship there is no privacy and nothing is hidden. He said if we aren't married then that doesn't apply. I heaved a heavy sigh - pretty sure nothing was going to change but I agreed to a trial run.

So we got back together but never were intimate. Apparently he had thrush on his tongue. He said he got it from using an inhaler I know damn well he got it from oral sex with all those women he "kissed and cuddled" while we were apart. I didn't kiss him nor did I have sex with him. The following Saturday - one week later - after our dinner we went up to the yard to see his horse and for me to see the women there I had grown close to. One of the women I really respected came in while Mr. W was riding his horse in the training ring. She and I spoke where he couldn't hear and she said to not go back to him and to leave him. That he had a number of women up to the yard to visit the horse and had said horrible things about me. I said I knew and that I wasn't convinced on anything at this point. I then ran into the stable manager and she said directly that I should not get back with him and that he's been a complete and utter jerk about me. I knew he had been - no one had to tell me different but I was playing wait and see. The following Monday I tried to call him and he didn't answer his mobile. I called him every few hours on both the mobile and home phone knowing it rings in his bedroom with no answer. That evening around 5 I get a text that says "Damn neighbours woke me up again". I knew this was a bald faced lie and he had been out with another female. I knew then and there I didn't want anything to do with him. Especially as none of his behaviours had changed and he had expected all of mine to change immediately. His phone was on silent and kept it on him at all times. He would not let me see his facebook page and he never changed his status. All in all he was truly becoming repulsive to me.

The following weekend I knew I could not stay with him and I told B on Facebook that I would break it off with Mr. W on Sunday. On Saturday Mr. W took me to the store to buy my weekly groceries and he went to the ironmongers for some stuff then said he was on the phone with a male friend. I said can see that and he said no. I then called his sister to see if he'd been talking to her and she said no. He stayed over and the next morning I told him I wasn't happy. He said oh really and I said that since he had not changed any of his behaviours that I didn't want to be with him and he needed to leave. He said I was the first woman to ever break up with him and I said it would be nice to be the first at something in his life and then he left. I doubt I am the first woman to break up with him. But when he was gone i was so relieved I called B and said let's meet for coffee and he came by and we have been inseperable since.

I can honestly say if it wasn't for B I would have never dated again but he shown me that there are kind, caring, understanding and patient men out there who are willing to get through crap and on to the good stuff.

Mr. W found out that B and I were dating and that's when the facade was gone and the vengeful cruel man came out....

The End

It's taken me awhile to come to this point. The point of being able to tell the ending. I will try to explain the emotional process I have gone through - still am in a way. After December 17, 2010 I was numb. On so many levels I was bereft of emotion. I felt empty and sad and alone but not deserted. I had my friends and though many had left me for the back and forth of my relationship with Mr. Wonderful a few had stood by me and it was one of these that stepped up and forced me to take the steps forward I needed to. Hard as it is to admit I was already emotionally detached and moving on so in a way I was only half grieving.

It was the week before Christmas and though I am Jewish all those around me were enjoying festivities and C did not want me wallowing so on Christmas day she came and got me and took me to her home where it was bright, warm and full of laughter. There was no way I couldn't smile. Gifts were given and food eaten. I was so so grateful and I hope she knew that because I can't remember if I told her how much that meant to me. C has been one of my pillars of strength. The other was a friend on FB. A man I will call B. He had made a cheeky remark on a mutual friend's page and then asked to be my friend. It turns out that he used to play on a team with Mr. Wonderful 20 years ago and knew him. He also remembered what a complete tool he was back then and after hearing what I was going through he commented that after all that time he hadn't changed much. B and I got to chatting online every night. His honest and no nonsense advice was necessary and needed. We grew close. I started speaking with him on the phone. After Mr. W dumped me we spoke often but I was afraid to see him in person because Mr. W was a vengeful cruel man and I didn't want him or any mutual friends caught in the crossfire. I removed mutual friends from my FB page so they weren't caught up in all the BS and those I considered more my friend then his I kept but warned them about what may happen.

As time went by I spoke with Mr. W's sister often as I felt she was still a friend. In truth I think I was keeping a thread of attachment because even at the worst of times I believe that there is good in people. That was and is my greatest weakness. I know now that in men like Mr. W there is no goodness just self gratifying narcissism. There were moments of utter pain and depression but I managed to keep going and being able to see my friends without worrying about not answering texts fast enough or accounting for my time was so freeing - for the first time in over a year I had a smile on my face and I felt secure in myself. January went on and I was chatting with B often. I was battered and bruised but I felt I could handle meeting another man but just not yet. February begins and I am wondering about Mr. W and his sister tells me things now and then but in the end I start to detach from her too realising that she is no better then her brother in so many ways and his enabler as well.

One day she calls me and says that Mr. W wants to talk to me and I wonder what he wants. I feel I am strong enough to listen so I say fine. He rings me and of course he says "I want to talk to you about things...."