Monday, 11 July 2011

Trying to explain to others

You know there are nights I lay awake till late late hours with thoughts running around in my head.

Over and over again I try to find the point when I became blind, deaf and dumb to the abuse Mr. Wonderful visited upon me.

Thoughts tinged with anger and hatred at the man that has scarred my mind, heart and soul with his own self loathing and insecurities. An anger at the man who took from me all that was missing within himself and devalued and discarded it. At times, a rage toward the person that financially ruined me and walked away unscathed and uncaring because he has no ability to stand in another's shoes because his own are too important and grandiose.

I guess I should be thankful that I have my sanity because there are those who came before me that were not so lucky. I should be thankful that I have the skills, education, ambition and drive he does not have to rebuild my life and I know I am regaining the self respect that he tore from me but only slowlly and in small steps.

I remember him saying, in the beginning that he hated women that lied and cheated when throughout our relationship that is all he did. His constant telling me "you are all about money" when all he did was take mine never to pay it back; his desperate need to be respected and adored at the expense of those around him.

Just thinking about these things makes me physically ill.

There were times he would threaten to kill himself and, at first, I, and his sister, would worry all night if he would wake up iin the morning. It finally got to the point where even his own father told his sister that if Mr. W was going to do it then let him do it. He was constantly the victim. If it wasn't work trying to get him out of his job it was his GP taking control of his meds and if it wasn't the GP it was the latest livery owner being stupid and not knowing as much as he did about how to run a livery or it was one of his "crazy" exes badmouthing him when all he did was bad mouth them - to a point.

Then there was the constant objectification of women. His constant fantasy life that girl bands were pounding on the door to be with him in bed or the morning newsreader looked a bit rumpled because she just left his place or that singer on the video called him recently. It's funny once in awhile but this was constant and degrading. He felt that he should look at women in front of me instead of behind my back because at least he was honest about it. It was digusting.

What he never realised is that women found his behaviour appalling. He seemed to think all these women at the yards actually saw him as some good looking virile man's man but after he discarded me women would go out of their way to tell me the truth of his disturbing flirting and almost offensive leering at them. There were times they would see him and walk the other way and they told me how they felt sorry for me because he was often asking women out for drinks or telling people how he didn't want to be with me behind my back. I don't know why these women came to tell me these things but I am glad they did as it validated my intuition as time went by.

The embarrassment went deep. How could I face my family as they thought we were to be married and all he did was spend his money on himself and his stupid knife collection and paintball equipment he never used. How could i even attempt to get my friends back in my life without him trying to chat them up or say disgusting things about them? I became to isolated and depressed. I truly didn't know where to turn or where to go.

I thought his sister understood as she had been in a very long term abusive relationship before her husband came along but she seemed to forget all that as soon as he dumped me. I guess blood always sides with blood - as would most - but she enables his drug addiction and his shopaholic behaviour because, as she says, "he's my brother" but I always felt you can't choose your family but you can choose whether to be close to them.

All if this going on in my head, in my life, and, as I continue the story, it only gets worse.

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