Wednesday, 19 October 2011

The End....almost

I got home from the airport and my ex picked me up acting as if nothing serious had happened. He took the side of the skank he had only known for a few days over me and I was just disgusted but, frankly, was at the point of not caring. My exN was catsitting for me and I wanted to get her and get home and just get away from him. He refused to take me home so I was forced to stay at his flat until the next day. My cat never liked him and he thought she was getting used to him but during her stay she wanted away from him so bad that she hid behind his desk until he got her out. I was nauseous just being with him and we hadn't had full sex in a long time as he still couldn't get erect and I just didn't want him near me. Not because he couldn't perform but because my eyes were wide open. He had "borrowed" all my saved up money with no intent of paying me back - even though he said it over and over again - he kept his phone on silent and females were contacting me telling me how they had been with him behind my back. I was tired and done with it all. He had told me we would be married but he never bought me a ring he said we would move in together and watched me give away my kingsize bed in anticipation of our moving in together and he found a way to stop it and I was forced to sleep on a futon for a year which may have ruined my back. All these things ran through my head but his emotional abuse had rung me dry and I had lost my spine.

3 weeks after I had come home there was some sense of normalcy. I had let Mr. W use my small car as petrol was expensive and it was cheaper to run.  For a week he had it and i didn't mind it needed to be used. He had asked me to go with him to a therapist meeting at his place of work as he was fighting to keep his job - as usual. I rearranged my schedule and was up at 5:30 in the morning and went with him to his job and sat there. He hated that I had a lot to talk to the Occupational therapist about as I have a similar background. Mr. W was all about the attention as he filled out tests and forms. It was obvious that he was trying to put down what was expected and the therapist knew it. He then drove me to work.

I had a shift that ended at 8 pm and then intended on going to his flat. I called him up and asked that he use his larger 4x4 as it was snowing and it might get worse. He said fine. He picked me up and we were driving home. I was very tired and just wanted to go home but he said not to forget my laptop and I said why? and he went off and started yelling at me about how I knew exactly why we couldn't use his laptop and that he wasn't a mug and that this was about money and petrol. That the reason I asked him to use his 4x4 wasn't because of the weather but it was that I didn't want him using my petrol or spending my money.

Now I found this to be a bit amusing as he had used up all my money and I had put the petrol in the car I let him run around in for the week without expecting him to put anything in the car.

He then went on about how he didn't want to see me and was dropping me off and not to slam the door as the window was messed up. I was angry and shut the door but nothing happened to the window. He called me a bitch and demanded his keys back and threw mine at me and drove off. That was the end.

I didn't shed a tear. I just heaved a heavy sigh and called his sister and told her it was over and went up to my flat.

This may sound like the end but it isn't the end....with Narcs it never is.....

Thursday, 1 September 2011

The beginning of the end...

At this point I am detaching from the relationship. I am beginning to see from an outside perspective how horrific the situation is. How broken my partner is and how he is an absolute asshole. Out of respect for his insanely possessive behaviour I tell him a month before my going to the states that I am going to meet a MARRIED old CHILDHOOD friend that I haven't seen in 30 years and we are going to have lunch. I showed my exN who this man was, that he was married with kids, that he was a prominent person in NYC and that he was a generally normal nice guy. He seemed fine with all this but as Narcs can't stand someone else's success he began to devalue and degrade my friend. Making comments about his looks and his accomplishments. I expected this and ignored him.

I counted the days till my trip. Of course, once again, my exN could not go with me as, conveniently his second surgery on his leg was scheduled so he could not fly. That was fine with me. I had already decided to break up with him in January and, besides, I could not afford to pay for him and feed him while in New York. I actually thought my exN had gotten his stuff together but I was so very wrong.

When I got to NYC I checked in and first thing I did was plug in my laptop. Understand that my exN was the last to use it in my flat in the UK looking at his FB page. As I use Firefox browser it saves the last session if it was not closed down properly. Please also understand that my exN is a computer idiot and to this day does not understand anything about how browsers/computers/internet works and seems to believe that since I worked in advertising in the internet in my past that makes me a master hacker. I opened my laptop and clicked on Firefox and it asked me to reboot my last session - I clicked on yes and up pops up my exN's FB page specifically on his private messages page and lo and behold there is a conversation he is having with one of his sister's low life skanky no morals female friend about how I hate blondes and she is the hottest thing on the planet and let's have some fun. She is completely aware that I exist and she didn't care and even said that he would be in big trouble if I found out. He simply didn't care and told her to keep her comments only to private message so that I wouldn't find out.

My stomach dropped out and I ran into the bathroom and threw up. Not only did this certify what I already believed it closed the door on my deeper emotions. I then did something I have never done before. Before I left while I was in my exN flat I saw his password next to his laptop. I memorised it. After seeing this crap on FB I opened up his mail client and typed in his email address and password and read his emails. I saw the full conversation and it was disgusting. I only did it the once and I was disgusted to find he also was back on the singles sites. That it was true that if he was breathing he was lying. I confronted him about this and he said it was nothing. I confronted the disgusting female on FB and she denied and lied just like him. A whore is whore - I would have called her a prostitute but at least they have the self respect to charge - this woman gave it away for free. Mr. W demanded that I apologise to HER. I sent her an email that said sorry for the surprise but I meant every word I said.

Not sure how to move on I skyped him and was disgusted to even see his face hearing all his lies about how he missed me. I proceeded with my holiday constantly checking in as he stalked me with texts and phone calls knowingly running my mobile phone bill into the hundreds of pounds. The day I went to meet my childhood friend I showed my exN my new outfit. It happens that my friend made reservations at an exclusive private club for lunch so I had come unprepared and had to buy clothes for it. I dressed up to impress my exN and unbeknownst to me, he saw it as getting ready to cheat with another man. Pot calling kettle....

I left my hotel and headed over to the lunch. I told my exN that it would be about 90 minutes total. When I got there it was the policy of the club to turn off all phones and not to put them on the tables. I did this. When I got out of a lovely lunch and got back to the hotel I found 7 phone calls and 8 texts calling me a lying cheating whore. As we know Narcs transfer to their supplies what they themselves are doing so I was shocked but then not so much. I called him and he accused me of all this crap and I was tired of it all so I cut off the call and went out. I came back and got some dinner and then called him and he was all about loving me etc. His usual game of abuse me then love me. He ruined my holiday with my family once again.

He did the same thing when I went a day later to see the latest Harry Potter with a girlfriend. What I did back was a bit cruel due to the time difference but what I did was every hour or so I sent him a text about where I was and what I was doing. Things like "I am drinking my water now" or "we are walking down the street" or "I am going to the bathroom now". He got really irritated because it was 2 am his time, not that it mattered, he wasn't working (as usual). I finally stopped but he got the message a little bit I think.

I left for my sister's home the next day and there is where he confronted me about looking at his email. I told him yes I looked and told him what I saw and he was all about how he wasn't doing anything and cybersex is just a bit of "banter" and nothing more. I told him it was cheating and he then said you hacked my email and it escalated from there. I knew then this had to end but I would wait till after the holidays because I had a bit of respect for that time of year.

Well one of us did....

Wednesday, 17 August 2011

No such thing as normal

So time is going by.

Weekend after weekend of what he wants to do when he wants to do it and how he wants to do it.

Now don't get me wrong I love horses and country music and an occasional watching of the series of 24 but Mr. W. idolised Jack Bauer almost like he was a real person. Any TV show that was military themed and American he viewed like a rabid dog. He said time and again he should have joined the military when he was younger. All I kept thinking was how much worse would he be now if he also had the discipline to follow up all his fruitless endeavours?

Day after day of how awful his work was and how he was going to win all this money from suing them. He had slipped on a stair tread at work aggravating his already damaged achilles tendon so he chose to sue them because, contrary to his constant berating me about being about money, all he wanted was money. Lots of it. Mine was running out so he slowly started to do and say the things to further devalue me. There wasn't a day that didn't go by that he would mention one or two of his exes and how hot they were or they looked like this or that celebrity. I saw pics of these women but they were far from celebrity attractive and mostly were low class non-educated women with children. Very few were like myself who actually had careers. I believe there were 3 out of the couple of dozen of women he would brag about. Most of the decent ones were when he was very young and hadn't perfected his style of Use Abuse and Cast aside.

Mr. W had this dream in his head about going to work on a ranch in Arizona for a month. Now let me tell you we are not talking about a true working ranch where you have to get up at dawn and go out and check on cattle via horseback for 14 hours then come home - we are talking about a RESORT ranch where the only thing you are taking out are people on horseback a few times a day. He went with one of his exes to this ranch and got to know the owners because that is what he does and the owner told him he could come work for a month in exchange for room and board. The owner saw free labor standing there so he said ok. Mr. W acted like they were best buddies but I am sure the owner could care less because Mr. W has said for years he is going but has managed to find a way to not to do it especially if I was involved. 3 times we discussed this - the first time he had his leg in a cast and he couldn't do it then the second time the volcano in iceland stopped flights and he refused to pick another date for us to travel and the third time he said he wanted to go but he didn't want me to go for any part of it. I remember he said "Don't you trust me?" I said "Hell no."

The entire summer of that year went mostly without a hitch but my self esteem was gone and my self worth was in the toilet. He kept going on about how I had to lose weight when I had recently lost 6 stone - he used that crap line of "This is only for your health" and "I am being on honest" line as well. He them began a new thing of telling me that my house was disgusting and I had poor personal hygiene. Let's see I don't have time to clean my flat as I was catering to his every whim and errand and making sure I wouldn't say or do anything to start a rage or childish tirade where he doesn't answer his phone or says he may not wake up in the morning and I can have his horse.

Months go by of his making more and more comments and his talking to more and more females. He's back on FB and flirting with women but won't let me see his page. He continues to lie to his exes and never tell them he has a partner. He said, again we would move in together so I gave my expensive bed to charity only for it not to happen again. My accounts are empty but I am looking forward to seeing my family at Thanksgiving and, once again, he won't be with me because, coincidentally, his second surgery is scheduled so he can't go. How convenient.

Not once did Mr. W ask about my family or how any of them were doing. He would ask me how my day was but within minutes the conversation would turn to hm and his needs and wants and what a victim he is. It was all about feeding his desperate need for attention.

At this point no engagement ring, we haven't moved in together and his belittling of me and my life continues and his verbal and emotional abuse escalates when he realises that my bank accounts are empty.

I need out and I have concluded it is time to go. In my head I have begun to detach from this horrible man. As much as I love him I don't deserve to be treated like this - my depression has taken hold but the only way out is to rid myself of him. Maybe there is a way to salvage this but I will see how I feel after I get back from my family holiday.

Monday, 15 August 2011

On it goes

So after catching him on singles sites thing kind of reached a strange level of normalcy. There were no huge outbursts but, looking back I can see where I just lost the will to fight back or pull myself together. I noticed how he would text someone but not tell me who it was but I blanked it and he seemed to have these outbursts at the yard of how much he loved and needed me.

Already at this point females had been telling me that Mr. W kept approaching them and one even stated that he had given them his number "in case they needed anything". She was married and a disgusted by the obvious innuendo. I find it interesting that as much as there a lot of women with no morals or ethics there were many who thought I was a nice enough person to tell me what he was doing and to say without using direct words, that he wasn't worth my time and I was better then him. The hard part is he had succeeded in isolating me and he had my mind so confused with his doubletalk and lies that I wasn't sure anymore what the truth was and what the lies were. He went for weeks of being so loving but he would go on and on about his exGF and how "Spunkbucket" was gonna have her life ruined. He focused on his ex saying she was nuts and how she "never let him rest and forced his every night to be physical with him" and that she beat her kids and her horse so he was gonna make sure she was ruined. I watched as he sent photos of her without her walking stick to the Benefits office and called them again and again to make sure they saw her as a benefit thief. Eventually they took her benefits away and she has had to put her horse on loan. Was she really a benefit thief? Did she beat her kids? I don't know but the way he went about things, including his sister in it all, was frightening to watch. Even if she was all he said she was - I felt sorry for her because I was truly seeing how unbalanced he was - it started that little spark in the back of my mind that this man was just not right in the head.

As I said previously. Mr. W's sister fed his addictions - drugs and shopping. Weeks before his 50th birthday she metioned that she found this watch that the character Jack Bauer wore in 24 and showed it to him - of course he wanted it and as he gets everything he wants she bought it for him. It wasn't cheap and he was grateful but like a 15 year old he just accepted it like he deserved it. Meanwhile for his big birthday I had professional portraits done. It cost me a lot of money to not only have the pictures taken but to have them framed and instead of saying that this was lovely all he did was criticize that I should have used the photographer he knew and then stated he would have done them all differently. Further he noticed that we used a local historic hotel and we were in one of its rooms so he intimated that there was more going on then just the photos. In essence he knew better and the photos were horrible and somewhere in there I cheated on him. Mr. W is a mediocre photographer at best and was an ungrateful wretch when it came to what I had done.

As the time passed I noticed that he was chatting with some exes and when I asked him if they knew he had a partner he said no and when I asked why he hadn't told them he said why should he and I said because you are in a relationship and it's wrong he went on about how I am controlling and all about money and food. He always did this - he would turn it around so it was about me being jealous or find fault and twist it so he was never to blame.

When we first me he went on and on about he didn't believe in celebrating birthdays or holidays as he, and his family, gave gifts whenever they felt like it so they didn't need a particularly day to do this. What this really meant was he was a cheap bastard and only gave gifts when he needed to impress or was about to lose his supply. When my birthday came around a month after his I didn't expect anything. After all he had yet to take me on a real date or buy anything significant of quality. In the first few months he bought me a pair of cowboy boots and a riding helmet. Both I needed and were of some expense but after that he spent all his money on himself and bought me cheap tat that seemed nice on the surface but was crap afterwards. Once he bought me a couple of watches that I liked but both fell apart within weeks. Nothing like I would have truly bought for myself. I still have them and wear them now and then but it makes my stomach turn to hold them to be truthful. Like him they were tacky and over the top - no class. For my birthday he actually did buy me a framed wonder woman comic poster. I was taken by surprise especially as it's something that I truly do like - as I am a comic book geek. I only found out much later his sister paid for it. Sigh. So much for putting me first.

It was soon after this that the walls of our relationship began to fall. We were in a tack shop when I heard his phone go and went to stand with him and saw a female had texted him. I waited till we were in the car and asked him who that was and he lied to my face and said it was a male friend. I watched him as he looked me in the eye and lied to me. We got back to his flat and he put his smartphone on charge. I asked to look at it as I had never used one. Subconsciously I think I wanted to see this text but I didn't think about that at first. He actually said it was ok to look at his phone. I pressed every symbol to see what they all did and I touched the envelope and up popped the message "Hey gorgeous your text almost got me in trouble will text later" - I just about lost it. He bullshit his way through it and then told me who it was. It was the married with kids ex that had been texting him 8 months before with the good morning good night messages that I asked him to cut off because that is not appropriate. He said he had but the truth is he lied and hid her from me. To top it off he had lunch with her and didn't tell me. I knew then and there I had to get out but didn't know how....

Tuesday, 9 August 2011

What is Narcissistic Personality Disorder really?

I thought is best that somewhere I post what is Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I am going to cut and paste from another website - I will sight it when I remember where I got it from - this is the best I could find in plain language. I hope it helps people understand.

This is something posted by a woman on a forum I am on for victims of Narcissists. Sadly as you further and further into this it is EXACTLY what has happened to me. I know I will move on but seeing it in black and white sadly really hits home. If you can read it all the way through you may understand a bit of what myself, and many others have been through.

In normal relationships partners are able to genuinely appreciate the others separateness having mutual regard for each others boundaries, feelings and needs. Hotchkiss explains the "Fusion Delusion" that occurs in relationships with Narcissists. When "two such lovers connect, the goal for one - and often enough for the other as well - is complete and total merger, the obliteration of one partner's autonomy in the service of the other's narcissism." (pg. 122) A power struggle ensues to see which one can bend the other to meet their needs.

Narcissists can be experts in manipulation and seduction of the opposite sex. Lowen defines seduction as a "false statement or promise to get another person to do what he or she would not otherwise do. The promise can be explicitly stated, or it can be implied. Psychopathic swindlers openly promise something they have no intention of giving. But most seductive ploys involve promises that are not clearly stated." For a Narcissist seducing someone in to having sex with them reinforces their view of themselves as special and powerful - they have won control over the "object".

He explains that "Narcissists use sex as a substitute for love and intimacy". Some are very good at knowing how to pleasure their partner e.g. being able to maintain an erection for as long as is required for their partner to orgasm. They've spent time learning the techniques they use because the better they get the more narcissistic supplies they are bound to secure, the more powerful they feel.

Narcissists tend to make poor lovers long term. To them it is a mechanical act; it doesn't really require true intimacy just physical closeness. Usually in order for a partner to experience "mind blowing" orgasms they need to feel connected to their lovers own sexual excitement and feelings of love. Narcissist's don't have these passionate feelings they've spent so much effort repressing them. They essentially masturbate with the "object's" body. A Narcissists orgasms are not intense as a result. Some even prefer pornography and masturbation to sex.

To Narcissists commitment is akin to castration. They don't want intimacy because that leads to people knowing their faults and insecurities. On the other hand they will be keen to show that they are capable of living a normal life and having a relationship with someone but this will depend on the person. "His own self-image requires that other people also see the love object in an idealized way. Toward that end, he must select someone who is beautiful, intelligent, accomplished, or otherwise widely recognized as exceptional. The Narcissist hopes to commandeer those admirable qualities that he or she lacks, acquiring "guilt" by association." Hotchkiss (pg. 124)

Narcissists demand adulation and respect from their partner. They have a belief in their absolute uniqueness and as such they want to be the only important thing to the person they "love". Even if they have had children Narcissists often expect their partners to choose them above their offspring. They can be extremely competitive with their children who they see as challengers for their partner's attention.

If you're in love with a Narcissist you might have heard them say "You don't really love me" and on some level they're right because THE PERSON YOU FEEL IN LOVE WITH IS A FALSE SELF. NOT REAL. To love them would mean you have to love all of them good and bad. To love them is to accept that the Narcissist does NOT know the meaning of love which comes as a result of not being loved by their parents for who they truly are. For this reason they don't know how to receive love or how to give love - they MERELY act it out to get the narcissistic supplies they need. They see love as twisted and they don't want it from you, they want your admiration and respect. Their relationships are filled with conflicts as a result. No, they can not love.

Nobody likes to think they give love to receive love but for a person to be in love with a Narcissist it is necessary to deny their own feelings and to accept that they can never have that which they defiantly seek to give the Narcissist - love. Denial of feeling is the road to insanity.

What feelings do they have?

Shame - for their weaknesses. When their weaknesses are brought to their attention it shatters their grand illusions of themselves. Sometimes they rage when exposed.

Envy - for others who have what they don't, who are skilled at what they are not, who can feel what they don't, who are happy just being themselves.

Entitlement - to special treatment and having all their needs and wants met at the instant they need them to be met.

Any good feelings they have are linked to how others perceive them. Without an audience to play to they can become bored and despondent. It's almost as if they cannot bear to spend time on their own for fear of their own thoughts betraying their omnipotence.

What does the false self look like in action?

Narcissistic people will do whatever they can to ensure people see them as they see themselves i.e. special. Some focus on materialistic things ensuring they are seen in the best clothes at the right places and driving new or expensive cars etc. even if they can't afford to live that way. Some Narcissists in particular will focus on the perfection of their bodies.They will want to impress others with stories of their accomplishments; new jobs, wage rises, expensive holidays, their sexual conquests etc. (Sometimes it may be apparent that these accomplishments are not as substantial as they have been made out to be or are not attributable to their own efforts. Lies and distortions of the truth are not unusual from the lips of a Narcissist.)

On a personal interaction level they may offer to put themselves out to help you in your work, treat you like a Princess/Prince, taking you out and buying you gifts, complimenting you, making seemingly creative one off gestures to show they care or have thought about what you would like, treating you as a valued friend, spending lots of time with you etc. They make you feel special and at this point you are special to them, not for who you are but because they see you as an extension of themselves. This view of you is known as "Inflation". (On the part of the Narcissist all these lovely gestures are usually undertaken on a shallow level and if you are emotionally invested it is unlikely that you are going to notice until it's too late - even if they have given you good warning that they're not always this nice).

Narcissistic people do not make these gestures selflessly; they behave this way to feel good about themselves which is accomplished through how you feel about them. The positive feelings (and at times negative ones) that they are in essence trying to extract from you are a bid to confirm that they are important or special. These feelings they extract from you are known as narcissistic supplies. A source of these narcissistic supplies termed a "Narcissistic Supply Source" (NSS).

The Narcissist doesn't have the emotional reserves to pull off this facade indefinitely - it is hard work.

What happens when the false self starts to crack?

A Narcissists charming behaviour lasts as long as they get what they want from you i.e. that you provide evidence to confirm their view of themselves as special. In any relationship where people spend a lot of time together it is normal for the parties involved to notice the others bad habits and behaviours. To some degree it is normal behaviour for people to point these bad habits and behaviours out to the other person in order to try and improve the relationship. Narcissists do not react kindly to this, they see it as an attack on their perfection. As a result of this their behaviour starts to change. The lovely person you know will start to disappear as the damaged part of them emerges, the things they do to impress you will become fewer and farther between, you will start to feel less and less special to them as they start to treat you badly and show their frustrations (overtly or covertly) at your inability to meet their needs more frequently. This is known as your "Devaluation".

During periods of frustration which are brought about as a result of their needs not being met narcissistic people will certainly make you aware of your inability to meet these needs. They will either do so overtly; raging, abandoning, publicly humiliating you, belittling your abilities and possibly becoming abusive. Or they will do it covertly; giving you the silent treatment, sulking, discussing things that they know will upset you or behaving in ways they know you find hurtful regardless of if they are related to the frustration you have "caused" or not.

If their frustration stems from their own inability to meet their wants and needs e.g. not getting a promotion, loosing at sport, receiving criticism for work they have done etc. the frustration is usually transferred onto the people they interact with (often their nearest and dearest) or it is channeled into harmful activities such as excessive drinking, drugs, gambling, driving fast etc. In "transference" what the Narcissist is in effect doing is taking their feelings of "I'm bad/inadequate/guilty" and passing them on to you because they don't want to cope with anything that shatters their good image.

Maybe at this point you will try to work harder to make them happier; you will start to question the things that you have done wrong to bring this change about and try and make amends. Maybe they will start to manipulate your emotions to extract more narcissistic supplies from you even if that's through intimidation and fear. They may even tell you the truth, tell you that they are no good for you and how badly they behave. Maybe you'll jump to their defence telling them they are valuable with renewed hope that there is something alive/good inside them. Before long you won't know what's real/the truth and what's not. Years may pass and you will wonder when the person you first met is going to come back. If you are prone to loosing yourself in relationships it's likely that by the time you've decided you've had enough (or you've been dumped by the Narcissist as a NSS) you will already have lost sight of the best parts of yourself and taken on a few of their more interesting character traits.

When the end comes it doesn't arrive quickly. The Narcissist may come back for more when other NSSs aren't in ready supply or not doing their jobs properly. They may even enlist the aid of their friends to bring you back to the fold or intimidate you. Or maybe you will try to go back to them because you miss their presence in your life (which is usually the result of a loss of adrenaline that was previously generated by the highs and lows that interactions with Narcissists bring). You're unlikely to get any closure on the basis that you to and fro or because there isn't going to be a happy ending where you're going to get the answers you need to feel happy about what happened in order to be able to put a lid on it.

There are a few things you can console yourself with, firstly, and most importantly you will have people you can turn to. Your friends, your family (if they're not part of the reason that you've accepted this type of Narcissistic behaviour for so long) and your Doctor or a Counsellor. Even people who cry in the street are asked "Are you ok?" if they stand still for long enough, I've seen it (not that I suggest you trust any stranger you meet - choose your confidants wisely -- I made a mistake or two myself).

Secondly, the Narcissist isn't going to be spending time worrying about how you're feeling or analysing their part in what went wrong in your "relationship". This is because they won't think they've done anything wrong and they don't like to dwell on any negative emotions. In fact it's likely they will feel a sense of relief that they no longer have to work so hard at keeping up appearances. They'll just go and find another NSS to replace you, if they're good looking or successful it won't take them long so rest easy for them. Talk about it out loud, analyse it till you're blue in the face, anything that helps you to process what's happened and learn from it.

So try not to be too hard on yourself if you've taken all you can stand.

Finally, things will get better. It may not be quick in fact it may be hell on earth for some time but like any loss or death of a loved one it will get easier for you to cope and you'll start to feel good about yourself again.

His Sister

Hmmmm - where to begin. Mr. Wonderful has a sister. Though he is the oldest she is the one that actually understands the meaning of responsibility and, in her own way, respect and loyalty.

We became friends during the first couple of weeks of mine and her brother's relationship. Mr. W had the first of two surgeries on his leg after we met and I had taken time off for a year so I visited him each day in the hospital. She was about my height, 5' 7", but an average sized woman. Mr. W used to tell me she needed at least an hour and a half before leaving the house as she was so concerned by her looks. I saw a bleached blonde woman with way too much makeup on but she obviously loved her brother and appeared somewhat level headed.

She expressed to me that I was the first "normal" female her brother had dated in decades as well as probably the best looking. It became an almost daily occurence that she and I would talk on the phone for a few minutes or an hour. It seemed that she lived her life via the telephone or Facebook.

I found out that even though she was a trained beautician and assisted her husband, now and then, on his rounds as a medical professional, she rarely left the house and lived on the phone and on Facebook. Her entire life revolved around the false personas and stories she created with her bizarre friends on FB. She collected bodybuilders as friends on FB and then would spend hours on the phone with any number of these men no matter where they were in the world.

On a daily basis we would chat about her weird goings on on FB and about her brother's habits and the things he did that she seemed to feel were normal and acceptable. I soon realised that the reason she found his abusive and manipulative behaviour acceptable is because she herself had been a victim of a long term abusive relationship with a man that used to be best friends with her brother. I always found it interesting that Mr. W wanted to "kill" this ex of hers when he found out he hit her but when hearing the mental and emotional crap he did Mr. W never saw anything wrong with it. The fact that Mr. W was good friends with this man and used to swap women with him suddenly made sense. In fact Mr. W would repeat the behaviour and comment on his sister under the guise of "just being honest"

That phrase just killed me - "I'm just being honest" was used to cover the fact that he was about to or had just made a comment that was belittling, horrible, cruel or rascist. It made me sick actually. The sister validated and enabled Mr. W's behaviours and she herself exhibited alot of the same traits.

His sister truly believed that Mr. W and I were meant to be together forever. She worked hard to bring us back together over and over again when he would mess up with his trolling single sites, lying to females, having cybersex with one of her friends. She would say things like "Oh you know how he is" to me so many times that I wanted to slap her. I would scream back "THIS IS NOT NORMAL" and she would agree that it was abusive but she would enable him and support him in his lying/cheating/stealing ways. She would often talk about how they were raised differently then other people because they lived their lives in pubs and clubs that their parents owned so what was normal for others wasn't the same for them. I had never realised that honesty, trust, paying people back and being a responsible adult were for everyone else. I lost count of how many times he would omit details when telling her of incidents between himself and I so he appeared the angel and I appeared nuts - when I would finally point out the missing "bits" she would just get quiet and still take his side.

The sister would provide him with drugs when he ran out of his codeine because of his prescription drug addiction and would give him money when he had overspent on crap he never used. If you her husband ever knew how much of his salary went into the pocket of his brother in law he would have blown up. The truth is without the brother-in-law the entire family would fall apart and it took Mr. W reminding his sister of this fact before she stopped having an emotional affairs with other men.

It is through his sister that I learned about his seven previous engagements; it is through his sister that I learned about how he treated women; it is through his sister that I pieced together that everytime Mr. W messed up as a child and caused havoc where they lived their parents would up sticks and move to another pub. Apparently a woman called up and accused Mr. W of being the father of her daughter's child so their mum said that wasn't possible and then promptly moved home and changed numbers so they could never be found. When I asked Mr. W about this he honestly didn't know or care about the fact that he may have a child in the world. After all he has proudly slept with hundreds of women without a care or a condom.

What always intrigued me was his sister's desperate need to be someone else. She created "false" pages on FB so she could dirty flirt with complete strangers and no one in her husband's extended family would see this. She called these pages her "fun" pages. I called them sad attempts to escape a life she no longer has.The low self esteem and self worth due to her age and that when she was younger she was often mistaken for Claudia Schiffer but now she rarely leaves her home and never puts real pictures of herself on her web pages. Time and again she uses pictures from 20 - 25 years ago but that doesn't surprise me as one of her closest, low class friends doesn't even use pictures of herself - she just puts her face on other, much more attractive women's bodies and then puts them up as if they were pics of herself. Of course this tactic, for both women works to attract men that they lie to about themselves, their interests, and their daily lives and exploits. I pitied the men on the other end.. Meanwhile at home her husband wouldn't sleep with her or didn't want to so she would have emotional affairs calling men as far as Canada to have phone sex while he was out doing his job. I came to realise that she saw this as ok and was in denial that this was cheating on her husband. I began to understand why whatever her brother told her about relationships and the women in his life she would believe without question - it was all about the make believe. I truly believe that she would rather live in a world where her brother was perfect and her marriage was wonderful - in her head - then face the fact the her brother was an addict, a liar, an abuser and a thief and her marriage was falling apart. I truly believe she knew her husband was her meal ticket and without him she would have to go out into the world and get a real job - something she was obviously loathe to do.

Like her brother she left school at 14/15 but she went on to beauty school and, through her modeling, got some semblence of grace and poise. She was fairly literate on the computer and seemed to be able to reason things out well but her life revolved around the dramas of FB.

I have to say there is nothing sadder then someone who tries to fill their life with a life that is all made up and as Mr. W made up his entire personality to cover his emptiness, loneliness and insecurities it was no wonder she did the same.

In the end she took everything we talked about and told her brother - she believed everything and anything he said to her as long as it kept him in that bubble labeled "my perfect big brother" so the knife in my back went pretty deep......

Sunday, 31 July 2011


So I got  back from that horrific holiday with my family. The one ruined by Mr. Wonderful because he kept accusing me of having cheated on him with my friend of 25 years - yet he is allowed to flirt with an ex from 20 years ago even though she is married with children and obviously unhappy in her relationship. There is no logic in a Narcissist's world - there is only his views, his life, his needs, his wants and what he believes. He may disguise it a putting you first but in the end it is all about how he can manipulate it so that it is all about him.

I get back and he has made me feel as if I had cheated on him. Just to remind you he found an email I wrote to my friend telling him that I just didn't want to tell Mr. W. because of his unbalanced view of males in my life and the fact that he was african american. Mr. W. broke up with me and announced it across FB but then got back with me after making me feel like I had actually done something when I had done NOTHING. The cracks in his facade were showing and I was beginning to see what a liar and selfish ass he was.

So through all this I am still financially supporting him in many ways. I have already given him money to cover his mortgage three times, covered expenses for feeding his horse and have paid to have the horse shod. As time goes by he keeps referring to me as his "soon to be Mrs." and that we will move in together and that when that happens he will pay for the mortgage and utilities because he owes me so much monetarily it will make him feel better because real men don't take money from women. I guess that doesn't apply to me or to his sister. (His sister I will discuss in another post).

Over and over again he would tell me how he loves me and that the past is the past. In my mind there was no past other then his temper tantrums, his over dosing on his pain meds, his taking of my money (when I earn half of what he does)  and his childish silent treatments. His constant need for attention was wearing thin and then there was a day when, looking back, I know I was completely under his control.

At his house he had his laptop open all the time. I noticed now and then he would get emails from single sites but, like me, you can get spammed as your address can be added to any number of mailing lists. I asked to look on his computer at a site selling horses as I was always looking but could not afford to buy and he said sure. I went in to type in the URL and in the drop down of sites he had already visited up comes a URL of a singles site he was still active on with horses in the name. I found it and found he had been talking with a female in the US and that he had told her he had not found anyone yet and he was still looking. That she was gorgeous (not) and just his type (anything with a heartbeat). I showed him what I found and HE accused me of snooping. I then realised that all those emails were NOT spam but he was still active on all these sites. I told him if he didn't take down his pages I was gone. He dropped to his knees and begged me. Somehow he managed few tears to add to the effect and I fell for it. Hook, line and sinker. I know I am the fool but he had me wrapped around his finger. Completely.

Over the next few weeks I watched him delete no less then four different pages across singles sites. I made me sick. My insecurities hit an all time high. I treated this man like gold and he was still looking - did that mean I was useless and horrible? Not good enough? Ugly? Fat? Stupid? That is how all this made me feel. It blew everything up into huge proportions. Top that with the fact that his mobile was always on silent and he would text someone without telling me so I knew I had to work harder.

I know reading this back some may think that I should have just walked away but an emotionally abusive relationship is like no other. It is under your skin and tears you apart from the inside. Though Mr. W was uneducated he was smart in knowing how to twist the hearts and minds of the women in his life. As educated and self aware as I was, and am, it's women like myself that attract men like this. They hunt us like prey because we have what they don't - smarts, ambition, success, happiness - things they will never realise or achieve. We supply them with what they themselves are unable to find and when they begin to face this they devalue and discard us. Mr. W wasn't done with me yet so we continued on.

Saturday, 30 July 2011

The everyday

I think I need to tell the bits that are often forgotten by victim as they are taken swiftly forward on a tide of control, craziness, confusion and manipulation.

Everyday my "self" was chipped away and lost. Parts of me that I was so sure of were left behind in a cloud of dust in the forward momentum of Mr. W's fantasy of our relationship.

You see what he was was all false and a facade. Over the years he perfected how to find out what makes his "supply" tick and he would find what buttons would ensnare and hold his female victim to him and make them stay. With me I was at a time in my life that I stood at a crossroads - I wanted to move on into another career, not sure how to do it, I wanted to learn more about myself but not quite there yet. I had a soft spot for weak people that needed "fixing." The truth was I needed fixing myself but I wasn't quite cognizant of this myself but he was - oh yes he was.

I was always the one that wanted the strong man who recognised my intelligence and inner beauty. I wanted a man who was a "real man" when in truth, at that time, I wanted tomeone to just take control for once as things were a bit meandering for me. Mr. W came along and bowled me over and took control and swept me off my feet but then all the little bits and bobs started.

First he was in debt. In my world you take the bull by the horns and deal with it but he would just bury his head and keep spending like it was nothing. He kept overdrawing his account and missing his mortgage payments and not able to pay his utilities. Well I had quite a bit of savings and he told me how he thought men who took money from women and didn't pay it back were weak so I knew he would pay me back. I got him on a debt management plan in the end but he never care about his budget as he knew I would cover or his sister, his main enabler, would give him money. A 51 year old man who couldn't manage his own money and relied on his sister's husband to support him. The reality is the husband never knew how much money his wife gave to his brother-in-law - sad, very very sad. The poor man was used by the whole family and never questioned it. He said he loved me and wanted to marry me so he would pay me back of course!!. Over the 18 months we were together he drained my savings account in both the UK and US with promises of our getting married and moving in together but none of this happened. You see he was not a man at all - he was an emotional, mental, spiritual, financial vampire. He took and took from me and gave me nothing. He managed to buy all this crap for himself and his horse but never did I see and engagement ring and each time it came to moving in with him he created drama just before so that it never happened. Funny how that worked.

I have yet to see more the 385 pounds paid back out of thousands owed I guess that's the price I have paid for my freedom but it is disgusting how, once again, he doesn't face the responsibility of the consequences of his actions.

Another wonderful thing he would do is constantly comment about other women on a daily basis. His exes were brought up everyday in one way, shape or form. "oh that actress looks my ex so and so " or "oh that presenter looks a bit messy it must be when she left the flat this morning". You see he lived in this fantasy world where, jokingly, all these hot actresses, presenters, girlbands, would rush down his door each night for hours of hot sex with him and leave early before anyone knew. His maturity was about that of a 14 year old and there were times I had to treat him as such. The constant barrage of comments about women on television, computer, in his head, and oogling walking down the street at first put me ill at ease and then made me feel as if I was in competition with every female on the planet. That on top of the fact that he never acknowledged to women that he was in a relationship and when women did meet me I had to introduce myself as Mr. W's partner made me appear as the jealous peerson. The truth is that he is the liar and they are just ignorant. He would lead all these females on until, as he would say. I would ruin it for him. He was only flirting he would say - yeah right  - he was looking for new "supply" so he had backup should I leave him. Without the adoration of females, ANY females he would feel less of a man. Truth was he was less of a man anyway I just wasn't seeing it after all, it was love.

Then there was the little comments - "You've gained a little weight you know" or "you think I am dumb don't you" - that was my favorite knowing he left school as a teenager and I have been educated to an advanced level he always thought people thought he was stupid. Truth is he was not the sharpest knife in the drawer and I had to translate certain documents for him. Truth is, toward the end, I was tired of the same old topics of discussion - always topics he chose - same old things on the weekends. He managed to alienate my friends, make me believe that his life was our life and, in the end, that I was a lesser person to all those other females. The reality was I was, and am, a better quality, better educated, higher class person then he could ever be and it took a long time for me to remember that.

Monday, 18 July 2011

The little things

So his horse was at this large livery and, to my understanding, things were going well between us but little things were noticeable. Mr. W had a female ex that would text him good morning and text him good night even tho she was married with children. I expressed to him that I felt this was inappropriate for a married woman to behave even if they were "long time" mates. He told her to stop and go away as per my request and, supposedly, she did. He would text in front of me and not tell me who he was texting and lie when I asked him. In the beginning of our relationship Mr. W stated he did not approve of women who dated outside their race as he had never done. When he asked me if I had I said yes as I had dated a long time friend after my divorce for one summer who happened to be African-american. We had been intimate three times and it just didn't work. It was a relationship as Mr. W defined it and as the world revolved around him and HE defined things so dating someone on and off for three months makes him my boyfriend but not to me. What I thought and how social moires in my country were of no concern to him. He said he forgave me for that but for the rest of our time together he would make comments about how I prefered black men and would point them out on television to me and say "there's your man" - frankly it disgusted me that he was like this but his tantrums and silent treatments were many so I walked on eggshells with him.

It soon came to November of that year and I was to travel to see my family and friends in America as I do every year. Now Mr. W's behaviour was so insane when I went to visit friends or even talked to any male friends, especially those of colour, that I didn't tell him right away that there might be a chance that I would see my African-american friend while home. As he was going home to see his mum I had a small window to see him so I wasn't even sure if we would see each other. Mr. W asked me on the way to the airport if I would see my friend and I was stupidly honest and said maybe but not sure and he immediately began quizzing me. Then he became quiet and distant. While in the airport he started going on about how I was too good for him and maybe I should find someone else. With all his health problems and money problems maybe I should move on. You know what? I should have but I was in love and blind and this was another of his ways of manipulation. He throws down the pity card and victim card and makes himself appear needy and vulnerable playing off my soft spot of helping weak people and he knows i am hooked.  I got on the plane and when I got off there was a text from Mr. W going on and on about how I had planned a secret liaison with my friend and good riddance and have fun. Meanwhile he was home on single sites and soliciting females and telling them he was single. So as he was accusing ME of cheating he was doing it himself. I didn't know this until a couple of months later. Mr. W ruined my entire holiday with my family. He went on and on about how I cheated on him over and over again. Silent treatment over and over again. I was so caught up in it all that I didn't know what to do.

Upon my return home he picked me up and then took me home. I went to the doctor a few days later as I had another urinary tract infection. Since meeting my Mr. W I perpetually had UTI's. I never had them like this before. Her REFUSED to take antibiotics and as many I took I kept getting them. While I was at the doctor's Mr. W went through my emails and read an email I sent to my friend telling him not to mention online we had met up as my partner would go off the wall. Well I got back from my appointment and the computer was left on my bed with that email open and then Mr. W went on FB and put on his status about how he had proof in black and white that I had cheated on him and now he was a free man blah blah blah. I wish I had let the break up stay broken but, again, I was stupid. He sent an email to my friend back home asking if he had been tested for STD'S as I had a UTI so something must be wrong. What an uneducated asshole. He was the one with the problem and he gave it to me. I wish I had seen the red flag waving in my face but I was already beaten back and under the cycle of control and isolation so I ignored it and went back to him.

I know what a moron I was.....

Monday, 11 July 2011

Trying to explain to others

You know there are nights I lay awake till late late hours with thoughts running around in my head.

Over and over again I try to find the point when I became blind, deaf and dumb to the abuse Mr. Wonderful visited upon me.

Thoughts tinged with anger and hatred at the man that has scarred my mind, heart and soul with his own self loathing and insecurities. An anger at the man who took from me all that was missing within himself and devalued and discarded it. At times, a rage toward the person that financially ruined me and walked away unscathed and uncaring because he has no ability to stand in another's shoes because his own are too important and grandiose.

I guess I should be thankful that I have my sanity because there are those who came before me that were not so lucky. I should be thankful that I have the skills, education, ambition and drive he does not have to rebuild my life and I know I am regaining the self respect that he tore from me but only slowlly and in small steps.

I remember him saying, in the beginning that he hated women that lied and cheated when throughout our relationship that is all he did. His constant telling me "you are all about money" when all he did was take mine never to pay it back; his desperate need to be respected and adored at the expense of those around him.

Just thinking about these things makes me physically ill.

There were times he would threaten to kill himself and, at first, I, and his sister, would worry all night if he would wake up iin the morning. It finally got to the point where even his own father told his sister that if Mr. W was going to do it then let him do it. He was constantly the victim. If it wasn't work trying to get him out of his job it was his GP taking control of his meds and if it wasn't the GP it was the latest livery owner being stupid and not knowing as much as he did about how to run a livery or it was one of his "crazy" exes badmouthing him when all he did was bad mouth them - to a point.

Then there was the constant objectification of women. His constant fantasy life that girl bands were pounding on the door to be with him in bed or the morning newsreader looked a bit rumpled because she just left his place or that singer on the video called him recently. It's funny once in awhile but this was constant and degrading. He felt that he should look at women in front of me instead of behind my back because at least he was honest about it. It was digusting.

What he never realised is that women found his behaviour appalling. He seemed to think all these women at the yards actually saw him as some good looking virile man's man but after he discarded me women would go out of their way to tell me the truth of his disturbing flirting and almost offensive leering at them. There were times they would see him and walk the other way and they told me how they felt sorry for me because he was often asking women out for drinks or telling people how he didn't want to be with me behind my back. I don't know why these women came to tell me these things but I am glad they did as it validated my intuition as time went by.

The embarrassment went deep. How could I face my family as they thought we were to be married and all he did was spend his money on himself and his stupid knife collection and paintball equipment he never used. How could i even attempt to get my friends back in my life without him trying to chat them up or say disgusting things about them? I became to isolated and depressed. I truly didn't know where to turn or where to go.

I thought his sister understood as she had been in a very long term abusive relationship before her husband came along but she seemed to forget all that as soon as he dumped me. I guess blood always sides with blood - as would most - but she enables his drug addiction and his shopaholic behaviour because, as she says, "he's my brother" but I always felt you can't choose your family but you can choose whether to be close to them.

All if this going on in my head, in my life, and, as I continue the story, it only gets worse.

Back to reality

When I got back from that holiday things seemed to change. In little ways.

We moved his horse from a small livery yard to a large equestrian centre. The small yard had messed up in the care of Mr. Wonderful's horse and though we attempted to find a middle ground to reconcile a misunderstanding he moved his horse when no one was around and took him to the new yard. I used to think it was the female owner's dislike of Mr. W. that had him barred from the yard but it was actually her husband's distaste for the man that kept him from allowing him back on the yard. Mr. W thought he had trained his horse well in western riding but the truth is he gave his horse his own bad habits. Mr W was so desperate to appear different and american that he sacrificed the proper and professional training of his horse for appearances sake. Personally I think he used his money on himself rather than do what was right and have his horse professionally trained. He so liked to tell people how he'd trained it himself and it was not that hard. That used to kill me - people educate themselves for years to be qualified to be allowed to train horses and he saw it as easy to do after all he did it so anyone can. His ego knew no bounds. I believe the real reason he left the small yard is that no one looked up to him and he had to follow their rules and that didn't sit well with him.

At the new yard - a much much large yard -  He settled his horse in. Personally I found the yard to be a social open place but from the beginning Mr. W went on about how there were very few men there and mostly women so it was perfect for him. I didn't get a chance to get up to the yard for a few weeks but apparently he made sure to never mention he had a partner to any of the women there and flirted with as many as he could asking about the ones he felt attractive. When the rest of the stables next to his horse filled up I went up there to meet the owners of the four horses. The coloured cob next to his was a lovely horse and his owner was a strong willed woman who spoke her mind and knew a lot about her animal and horses in general. I liked her right off and we got along. I respected her knowledge and it reminded me of how much I knew about horses as I have studied them all my life and ridden when I was younger. Mr. W never asked how much I knew about horses and it would have surprised him how much more then him I knew but I kept my mouth shut. Easier that way - let him feel as if he knew it all.

When Mr. W saw that C and I got along, the woman that had the horses next door, he began to bad mouth her when she wasn't around. Made fun of her weight and knowledge. As the weeks, months went by, (and apparent after we broke up) that he made sure I was isolated on the yard. He picked and chose the females I was allowed to talk to and bad mouthed the ones he didn't want me to know about. He told me that women on the yard didn't want to be friends with me because I was to possessive of him when the truth was he wanted me to not talk to any of the women tthere in case they told me the things he'd been saying about me and and about us.

Apparently a few things happened that I did not have knowledge of but, deep within my gut, knew something wasn't right. Even though he had asked for my hand in marriage he told everyone that asked that we were not engaged and that he wasn't in love with me and wasn't even attracted to me. When confronted by the more confrontational women he would never answer as to why he didn't leave me.  I also found out that a friend of C's, who Mr. W had bad mouthed to me over and over again, had turned him down for drinks hence his hate campaign against her. I found out about this after we broke up and it tore me to to bits. I am sure if he were confronted now about any of this he would deny all of it because he is a liar. Through and through - if he is breathing he is lying he did it then and I am sure he does it now.  Sadly his family never sees the forest for the trees and believes whatever comes out of his mouth but I found that out much later - much much later.

Thursday, 7 July 2011

Cast of characters

So my father gave his permission and I was very very happy.

I want to explain all involved in the movie that was created in my ex's head including family and pets.

First there is myself - late 40's, tall, american, attractive (so I have been told) Master's level education, a bit geeky, and too much of a fixer when it comes to those in my life, divorced ten years, loves to read, go to the cinema, very into country music and horses, owns a cat and has significant savings, comes from a middle to upper class Jewish family who are all successful and well educated.

Next is him - 49 when we met, works in the criminal justice system, close contact with criminals, left school at 15, doesn't read a book for a pleasure, in debt up to his eyeballs, prescription drug addict and shopaholic, engaged 7 times (didn't realise this till way into the relationship) and all his ex's were "crazy", married once but never lived with her and her family, owns a horse, desperately wants to be american, listens to country music, ex professional body builder, comes from a family of publicans who moved a lot and coddled him and his every whim.

ExN's sister who is married to an american after knowing him three weeks, married 15 years with little sex life, and he has supported her and indirectly the exN for many years. The husband is constantly playing online SIM computer games. She used to be a model 20+ years ago and supports her husband but rarely leaves the home and lives her life on the computer mostly on Facebook. Is more emotionally involved in other people's lives and has multiple FB profiles so she can "play" (sexually flirt) with other men and others not see it. She uses pictures from her modelling days as she doesn't feel comfortable using recent pics as that would not attract the type of man she likes to flirt with. She enables her brother's inability to control his finances and believes anything he tells her even when shown the evidence. She and I were close until the end when she stuck to blood but she knew the truth.

Horse - the exN had a horse that he used to gather supply but because of his burning bridges at various liveries this poor animal had to be moved again and again. The horse was not ridden enough to keep fit and even when the exN was not working he still neglected to visit the animal on a daily basis.

Cat - my cat refused to warm up to the exN and he spent hour upon hour attempting to get her to like him. After a year she tolerated him but she wouldn't go to him without a treat.

There you have it - the major players - minor ones come along but this is the cast... 

Tuesday, 5 July 2011

All by myself

During those first three months it was as if I was at the beginning of a drug addiction.

Bombarded with affection and grand gestures of "love". Announcing how he'd met the perfect person and that we should live together, in fact, we should be married! It was all heady, romantic stuff but we never went on actual "dates" where we dressed up, went out, and he paid. Now I am not materialistic in this way but I am traditional and did expect some of the "wooing" that comes with dating but none of that happened. I also noticed that lack of foreplay in our physical lives and he never initiated any public affection - I did.

I was caught up in the rush of it all. Here was this strong, handsome man sweeping me off my feet declaring his affection but in the back of my mind were a few things that cropped up - he was HUGELY in debt but kept shopping and spending as if it was nothing and already he had missed his mortgage payments and I covered them as he said he didn't want to go to his family again and he would pay me back - after all we were going to be together forever right? Also he kept taking a large amount of prescription pills. He seemed to take enough codeine to knock out his horse! Also each day he went on about how he was the victim of a conspiracy at work that were trying to get rid of him because he cost too much to keep due to budget cuts. Everyday it was all about his issues and problems - rarely did we talk about more a then a few minutes about my day without it moving on to him and his issues. Now understand that this is all hindsight - at the time the nurturer and fixer in me was feeling pity for an injured man who was not educated to an extent to understand what his job was trying to do to him. All I saw was a man that needed a strong woman to stand beside him and help him through. All along he was learning and watching me and working on what it took to manipulate and control me, to find a way to make me think I was crazy.

In the weeks following my birthday I went to visit my friend in London for the day and evening. As we had worked out I would text him when I got there safely and I did. He continued to text me through the day with cute things but when I went to dinner I put the phone in my bag and besides the restaurant had bad reception and it's rude to use the phone while having dinner as well as I had not seen my friend for quite awhile and I wanted to have a catch up.

Once I got out of the restaurant I checked my phone and he had texted me at least 6 times and called 4. Each text got angrier and angrier and the voicemail messages were full of accusations. I went to ring him and he did not answer. I called Mr. Wonderful's sister and she said he wasn't talking to me because he thought I had cheated on him because I had not responded to his texts. I was upset and confused. Why would any normal person think that in the hours I had spent with my girlfriend I had cheated? When he finally answered the phone after i was back in my home on the coast he sounded drugged up and stated he had an ex that had gone off and cheated on him in this manner so he thought I had done the same thing. I didn't realise this is how the it all begins - the manipulation and isolation - I didn't realise it then but I began to spend less time with my friends because after all, this was the man that I loved so why would i want to hurt him?

A couple of months after that I went on holiday with my family and he had been invited but once again he found a reason to not attend but while on that holiday he skyped my father and asked for my hand in marriage. My father said yes and i was ecstatic. It seemed perfect and everyone was happy for me.

I didn't realise his words meant nothing, it ALL meant nothing...

Sunday, 3 July 2011

Knight in shining armour...

I think there are times in our lives when we question everything - who we are what we are doing why we made the choices we have made - the usual. I know my faults - as many as anyone else - insecurities when it comes to my looks, my weight - wondering if I have enough money to make it to retirement - will I become the crazy cat lady? One of my greatest fears used to be growing old alone. I know there are many people, male and female, when they get to a certain age - for me my forties - that we feel as if we have to make that decision of living as a singe person or hunt for a partner. Since the horror of this relationship I have come to the conclusion that it is best to be a whole single person then a broken person in a relationship but I digress...

For the week following meeting Mr. Wonderful I was texted constantly called each morning and night. Told how beautiful and amazing I was. I was perfect and the answers to all his prayers. My birthday was that Friday so I went into London and met with my friends and called Mr. Wonderful on the phone and let all my friends speak to him. He couldn't attend as his leg was in a cast and getting around in town would have been difficult. He seemed perfect. He was exactly what I had imagined - he was handsome, fit, manly, decisive and I was the answer to his dreams. All my insecurities pushed aside in one fell swoop. He was all I had imagined - exactly that - imaginary.

The next week he went into surgery for his achilles tendon. Each day I took an expensive cab to the hospital and visit with him. He showed great appreciation. His sister came one day and she was great and we quickly became friends. Each day I brought him foods that most people would like only to realise that he lived on sweet junk food and diet coke. I filed this away for later pondering. I also noticed he had a bag with a lot of prescription pills but had yet to explain that to me.

He was soon discharged and we began spending night after night together. The physical side was ok but not mindblowing and he began to have "issues" in the bedroom but it was infrequent. Mr. Wonderful also seemed to have a lot of issues at work. He showed me emails where they were reviewing his status and were looking to retire him after 16 years of working at the same job. He went on about how he was the victim of a conspiracy to get rid of older workers because they could get cheaper labour fresh off the streets. This did make some sense but he didn't seem to be in a rush to get back to work and his emails in return to his workplace were full of sycophantic statements about what a loyal employee he was when off the record went on about the ugly dyke lesbian running his establishment and how all the lesbians were taking over. My warning bells began to ring but for some reason I ignored them - for some reason when it came to this Knight in Shining Armour all red flags flew out the window. He thought I was amazing so what could be wrong?

It starts...

For many years I have used online dating. In fact I met my former husband as a result of a personal ad in a local paper - pre dating sites - so I have found them, on the most part, easy, convenient and, again mostly, troublefree. Let me set that stage....

In that year my company had been bought out by a large corporation and I am not one to lock-step with that kind of thing so I took my payout and left the big city for the seaside and took some time to reflect and collect myself and see where my next steps would take me. As I hold a Masters in Counselling I thought maybe starting my own practice was the way to go but the recession hit and counselling was available for free as everyone was depressed so I began looking for a new career - a new job. Ten months into this an acquaintance of mine left her job working for a local charity so I applied and succeeded in getting the position. It was while my background was being checked, about 2 months before the start of my new job, that I joined

Now let me say I am sure many people have met many other, lovely people on Match and this time around I thought I was one of those people. The week prior one of my closest and oldest friends from home came to visit me for a week. Many years ago, nine to be exact, we had dated briefly only to realise we loved each other but we didn't work as a couple so we remained close and his friendship is one that I truly, truly cherished. During that week a man began to email me. His picture was of himself and his horse and there was a lengthy description of the type of man he was - he wasn't into sport, loved shopping, physically affectionate, into animals and a bit outdoorsy as well as lived relatively local. I thought to myself well let's write back.

While my friend was visiting I had my phone on silent or off because I felt it intrusive to have calls all the time. I had given the Matchman my mobile number and he had taken to texting me but I was busy and did not respond quickly. After all I didn't really know him and my friend had come to visit. His texts became odd and distant and rather stand offish. I apologised and told him a friend was visiting so I would get back to him the following week. He was fine with that as was I.

My friend left and that day I received a text and I called the man. His accent was a little thick for an englishman but I eventually got used to it. He made me laugh and seemed genuine. We made arrangements to meet the next Monday. The next Friday he emailed me to tell me he had had an accident at work and was laid up at home and could not meet up. We had had such great conversations that I thought it would be nice to meet him so I agreed to go to his place. Now I know that is not the wisest move but I felt he would be worth it and he worked in the justice system so I felt safe for some reason.

I got his address and went there. He answered the door in a dressing gown and shorts on crutches with a cast. He was extremely fit for a man his age and was very attractive to me. We sat and chatted but one thing led to another and, as consenting adults, well, no need to go into details. I can say it was a good but not great afternoon and as far as I was concerned it was not anything I was planning on continuing.

Then it started. The texta, the calls, the emails. The overwhelming of my time and energy. This man said he couldn't believe how lucky he was - how he's met the perfect woman. How though he was English all he wanted was to be American, to be with an American, live in America. He wanted to see me again - when can we do that? He would find a way to come see me....and he swept me off my feet. Never had I met someone so passionate about me, about us, about the whole thing....

Wednesday, 29 June 2011

In the beginning....

I am writing this blog because I don't think people understand what has happened.

My family and friends who don't live near me or spend time with me on a regular basis have not understood what has happened over the past 2 years. I don't know if they will ever understand what has gone on having not experienced, to my knowledge, any form of abuse in a relationship. Many in my family see me as some flighty, artsy, hippy dippy person with no plan in life and no common sense and I know a couple of my siblings make the joke that one of them will have to take care of me when I am elderly as I will have nothing to my name at that point.

It pains me knowing what others think of me - I believe we all want to be loved and thought of in a positive way and accepted by our peers. For myself I have always wanted a man in my life that stood next me as an equal and has his own life but included me in that life. I have always wanted a partner that was just that a "partner" but I have often, not always, found myself with men who allowed me to be the stronger. leading partner and It's tiresome and wearying.

So I went looking. Having done online dating for a long, long time I fell back into that habit and subscribed to my usual site That's where it all started - the relationship that will shape all relationships for the rest of my life.