PTSD - Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

A lot of people associate PTSD with serving in the military and what happens after being in a warzone and the trauma of facing the reality of being involved in such conflicts.

PTSD is not just about the military - as defined by the PTSD Center in the US -

Posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD) can occur after you have been through a traumatic event. A traumatic event is something terrible and scary that you see, hear about, or that happens to you

During a traumatic event, you think that your life or others' lives are in danger. You may feel afraid or feel that you have no control over what is happening around you. Most people have some stress-related reactions after a traumatic event; but, not everyone gets PTSD. If your reactions don't go away over time and they disrupt your life, you may have PTSD.

How does PTSD develop?

Most people who go through a trauma have some symptoms at the beginning. Only some will develop PTSD over time. It isn't clear why some people develop PTSD and others don't.
Whether or not you get PTSD depends on many things:

• How intense the trauma was or how long it lasted
• If you were injured or lost someone important to you
• How close you were to the event
• How strong your reaction was
• How much you felt in control of events
• How much help and support you got after the event

What are the symptoms of PTSD?

PTSD symptoms usually start soon after the traumatic event, but they may not appear until months or years later. They also may come and go over many years. If the symptoms last longer than 4 weeks, cause you great distress, or interfere with your work or home life, you might have PTSD.
There are four types of symptoms of PTSD:

1. Reliving the event (also called re-experiencing symptoms)
You may have bad memories or nightmares. You even may feel like you're going through the event again. This is called a flashback.

2. Avoiding situations that remind you of the event
You may try to avoid situations or people that trigger memories of the traumatic event. You may even avoid talking or thinking about the event.

3. Feeling numb
You may find it hard to express your feelings. Or, you may not be interested in activities you used to enjoy. This is another way to avoid memories.

4. Feeling keyed up (also called hyperarousal)
You may be jittery, or always alert and on the lookout for danger. This is known as hyperarousal.

What other problems do people with PTSD experience?

People with PTSD may also have other problems. These include:

• Feelings of hopelessness, shame, or despair
• Depression or anxiety
• Drinking or drug problems
• Physical symptoms or chronic pain
• Employment problems
• Relationship problems, including divorce

In many cases, treatments for PTSD will also help these other problems, because they are often related. The coping skills you learn in treatment can work for PTSD and these related problems.

I never imagined that I would ever experience anything like this but I have and I only have to thank my exN for it.

Because of how a Narcissist/Sociopath/Psychopath completely drowns their victims with emotions there is a good possibility that a person bombed by a Narcissist will not know what hit them.

Personally I had no idea that my exN wasn't normal - I just thought I had met someone that was caught up in how he felt and wanted me more then anything - I thought it was refreshing to have someone so open and honest with their feelings that it never occurred to me that moving quickly was a bad thing. Well it was.

At first I wasn't sure what was wrong with me. I was out of the horror that was the relationship and though he left me almost emotionally and monetarily bankrupt I was free of the lies, accusations, insults and comments. So why every night did I relive it all in my mind? Over and over again.

Then there was going to places we had been. I had chosen to move closer to my exN because I needed to move to a cheaper place but I also wanted to help out my partner as he kept complaining about how much the petrol cost to come see me as I did not have a car. The cost to come to him by train wasn't cheap either but I never complained. I moved to the same town he lived in and for the almost 2 years we were together we spent a lot of time there. After he D&D'd me I found it hard to walk into town. I would get nauseous and shake. I was constantly looking around thinking he would be there and I would have to see him. Once I was actually physically ill.

Part of what was happening was because in my relationship with my exN I was never in control. The entirety of our relationship roller coaster was under his control. We did what he wanted when he wanted only when he wanted to do whatever it was. If we saw each other it was up to him - if we went out it was because we went places we could only go to by car - he controlled the entire ebb and flow of our time together. I never intended to give up any of that control but somehow it happened.

There are so many little things, and big things, that happened but the most important thing was seeing a professional and surrounding myself with the people that supported me through it all and believed that just because I didn't have bruises and broken bones that I still was a victim of abuse.

Taking the steps forward and finding a mental health professional that understands your symptoms and what you have been through is so important. If you meet with someone that doesn't understand Narcissistic Personality Disorder/Sociopathy then leave and find that professional that does know how to give you the tools you need to become the strong confident person you were before and can be again.

It's all about looking the past in the eye and understanding what happened, working through what remains and taking back the strength and control you had before and can have again.

Jealousy and Envy

Again and again it is said that Narcissists/Sociopaths are cold, distant animals but I think they thrive on the "hotter" emotions of anger, jealousy, and envy.

Whether consciously or unconsciously I believe that the N's search for supply that have the aspects that are missing within themselves. Intelligence, education, success, large group of friends, acceptance, respect - all these things that the N's can't secure or find for themselves they try to take from their supply - they systematically destroying those aspects they themselves can't have.

I found that within my relationship my N partner kept saying the reason he was with me was my intelligence, my beauty, my success and friends. That he couldn't wait to meet my friends, that he could help me expand my career and together we would build a life, he couldn't wait to meet my family and go to America.

Over time he alienated my friends by making disgusting remarks or hitting on them. He would try to push me into doing things that he then would take credit for so he would look better; he emptied my bank account with promises and wasted business ideas; constantly made comments regarding my weight, managed to always back out of our living together and never could seem to make it to visit my family

He kept wanting what I had then destroying it all. He could not handle the fact that though he, on the surface was so supportive, underneath it all he hated that I was the way I was. He hated that I had the friends, university education, had a life, a career, a good salary and was respected by those around me.

It took some time but I began to see the simmering below the surface. The digs over time - his comments "You think you know everything?" - taking what at first attracted him to me and twisting it because he left school at 15 and he feels people somehow know this and hold it against him. He holds it against himself.

I found from his sister that he kept discussing my bank account with her and how I wasn't sharing my money because, after all, we were to be married. He couldn't save or keep money before it was out the door on some crap - he quickly made sure he spent my money and repeatedly accused me of being only about money.

That's only a couple of examples but looking back it is now obvious at what was lacking in his life contributed to his empty soul. He had no friends of any worth, his debt was through the ceiling, he couldn't get ahead at work, and he was getting to old and women laughed at his comments and overtures so he was truly realising that he would be unsuccessful in getting a quality woman in his life or any sort of supply.

In the end his jealousy and envy surfaced as anger and hate revealing a truly ugly human being if he could have been called one. His lies were exposed and those he thought he could manipulate against me turned against him and he was left alone and having to cut ties with a large number of people with the excuse that I was poisoning his life.

He had no life to poison and I wasn't that interested enough to bother.

Police!!!

Admittedly there are times I have wished for revenge - I have raged and wanted to find a way to get back at my exN but common sense always prevailed and I just kept to no contact.

There were moments of weakness though....

At the one year mark of his breaking up with me (not the later date of my removing him from my life) I decided that I wanted to warn women, especially American women, from the blight that is my ex. I found a website in the States that listed cheaters by name and with photos and as a long as what you told was the truth then they could not legally come back at you. Thinking this was a great thing I posted an abbreviated version of what had happened to me and details about my exN - his debt, addiction, abusive nature, his lies and how he operates. Though it was laden with typos as I listed it not knowing I couldn't go back to edit it, I was glad I had done it.

I had posted it the week before Christmas but it took the site until after Christmas to make it live and immediately it was ranking up views but no comments. (By the time it had been viewed 2 million times and rated by 2000 people as 5 star and avoid this man) That didn't bother me as long as people were being educated. Once the new year came around I thought to myself that it was a childish thing to do and was sinking to his immature level so I deactivated the account. What I didn't know was that even though I deactivated the account the posting was not deactivated so it remained for all to see.

Fast forward to about 7 weeks ago.

I get a message that says there have been comments on my posting. I thought this was strange as I had deactivated the account. Well much to my surprise my exN had found the posting and came back with a disgusting, profanity laden response that would have embarrassed anyone upon reading. To my surprise a complete stranger had responded to his comments and cut him down to the bone. He had, of course, said I was fat, disgusting, smelled, was nothing I had said I was - all lies and, as usual, just accusing me of what he had done - what was truly interesting, and my defender pointed out, is that he did not dispute one thing I had stated in my original posting!

He kept coming back to the woman on the site with comments and statements that she slashed through like a knife through butter. Every point she counterpointed and he eventually had no responses left and stated "I am not continuing because you are boring me now....". He was completely convinced it was me but I have kept to no contact.

In his responses he threatened to send a bomb to my home if I told him where I lived. I emailed the site and asked that they please remove the posting but save it for evidence. The removed it within a day.

About a week later the threats began....

First he texted me a message, again, filled with disgusting profanity accusing me of stalking, harassment etc. The usual stuff. Then he emailed my ex-husband trying to get him on his side as if they could be co-conspirators to pull me down. (He had done this with a previous ex) What my sick exN had not realised was that after over a decade of leading separate lives my former husband and I had pretty much reached a level of respect and let bygones be bygones. My ex husband basically told my exN to stop with the veiled threats against me and then my ex husband told me he thought that my exN was obviously nuts.

I decided I was not going to put up with this and called the police.

I went in with B and he listened while I told the police woman what had occurred and presented the evidence of the text and the printout of the email sent to my ex husband. The PC then stated she would ring my exN and then ring me back. I told her he would go on about how he believes I hacked his email account, his acquaintances accounts, his Facebook page, etc. I also said he can be very persuasive but she spoke of how she had been doing this a long time and not to worry. I wasn't to be honest but my exN is coward and vengeful and will not stand being slighted in any way.

I need to mention that I did not mention the cheater site thing because I felt it was in the past and had no relevance - so I thought.

A couple of hours after I made my statement the PC called me back and said she had spoken to him and that she could not get him off the phone. He tended to go off on tangents but she told me that he did mention everything I said he would and that apparently he had called Immigration stating that I was here illegally and making a report and that I had committed numerous offences. When the PC told him that he could make a report right then and there if he wanted against me my exN suddenly didn't have the time. He repeatedly stated that I needed to remove the cheater profile but I had already done that. The PC was pretty much disgusted with him but didn't say so directly.

She told my exN that if he contacted me again or made threats directly or indirectly he would be arrested.

I pity the ex before me because all his anger will now be focused on her.

So what started all this off? I think what had happened was he was chatting up a woman in the states and she Googled him and read the cheater profile and told him to go away hence he flew into a rage looking to get back at me. I can only guess at this but I am betting I am close to what happened because NO ONE stops my exN from closing in on new supply.

I have to say I can only hope that I kept one woman from having to fall victim to my ex before removing the profile.

Oh the lies they tell....

It's interesting as I move further and further from the horror of my exN the things I hear and read that he says and does and how, after all that has been said and done, he still thinks that he matters in my life.

Some would say "well you are writing this blog" and I would agree in that this blog is so others can read and learn about my experiences and hopefully avoid what I went through. This blog is also about catharsis for me (Mr. Wonderful if you are reading this that means a cleansing of a sort). I can empty from my brain the crap I went through and, in a way, put it in a place that allows me to move on.

The Lies.

So many of them told throughout our time together:

HONESTY

"I am looking for an HONEST woman because that is what I am about" - I remember reading those words in his personal ad and thinking "wow that would be nice for once" but there was no honesty from him - his age, lied about it, when it came to his friends (lack thereof), his ability to pay back loans (never happened), where he was when he went out (seeing other females), he loved me (he only loved me as long as my bank account was full) and I was beautiful (only until my bank account was empty).

FAITHFULNESS

Non-existant - from the beginning he was a cheater. Trolling singles sites, asking close acquaintances to coffee, approaching close friends, telling women he really didn't love me so needed someone to confide in. Sadly this all happened around me and I missed it until others pointed it out and told me.

RESPECT

In simple words - there was none. He built a facade that appeared to be so amazing but proved to good to be true. At first he came across as open-minded, kind, considerate, humble - truth was he was racist, sexist, cruel to those he felt were beneath him, self centered and had an over inflated ego. If he was not the centre of your attention, and everyone else's, then he became angered and kept trying to keep your attention on him in good and bad ways.

Tiring it was all tiring -

To this day, over 18 months later, he tries to perpetuate the lies in his head he believes are true. Lies about my physical appearance, my interests, my hobbies, my past - he puts them out for the public to read and see - what I find amusing is that I am so detached from it all that all I see is a sad, sad small man who simply has no significance in anyone's life but his own.

I leave him to it. Gladly. 

Learnings over time....

So I am sitting here in a new flat and not telling anyone I don't trust my new address because if it got to my exN I have a feeling he would find a reason to contact me or leave "a message".

It's a bit over a year and looking back there are absolutes that I adhere to now because of my horrible ex.

1. I will speak what is on my mind. Without question my exN entered my life when I was vulnerable and I felt that by contradicting him I would lose him. Time after time he would use what is called negative reinforcement to connect my stating my opinion to his pushing me away. Please understand that he does not have the intelligence to know what he did at the time but the instinctual animal that he is knew how to make it work and it did.

Because of this manipulation I say what is on my mind - as tactfully as I can but I won't be silent when I am degraded, insulted or feel slighted. Never again.

2. I will be friends with whom I choose and they are as important as my partner is when it comes to balance in my life. My exN isolated me from my friends and family. He worked tirelessly to make sure people thought the worst of me or ruin time I spent with my family. He knew what he was doing and it makes me sick to think I was so caught up in his crap that I allowed it.

In my current relationship my partner respects and understands the need for personal time and the need for relationships with people outside the two of us. Bless him for that.

3. I will be more cautious as to whom I trust with my friendship and my heart. Having your life ripped from you and your emotions used against you is the worst betrayal and when it is done by someone who says they love you it makes it that so much worse.

My partner and I have been through similar experiences and we were cautious at first but have since gifted each other with 100% trust. It took work and proof and some stumbles but it is there and gets stronger each day.

4. Forgive but don't forget. This has been the hardest for me as it's been more about forgiving myself and looking in the mirror and knowing I am only human and I make mistakes. We all make mistakes.

I regret ever meeting my exN. I want that time back in my life but I have learned that I cannot dwell on that - to dwell on that is to bring back emotions and anger at the whole situation of his cheating, lying and stealing from me. Instead I work on forgiving myself for wanting to help what appeared to be a person in need and that I should not punish myself for being a good, caring, giving person as I am not the first to be fooled this way. Their facades are well built but horrific when they crack. I would like to say that I pity him but I don't pity the animal that I dated - he isn't human so pity would be wasted.

I will never forget what he did to me but I have learned and, I think, I have learned many lessons to take forward in my life.

5. First impressions are the truest impressions. When I first met with my exN I was not impressed with much more then his physical appearance. I had decided that after our first meeting that I wasn't all that interested but then came the bombardment of texts, calls, emails and compliments. All day and evenings he swept me off my feet so I responded ignoring my first impressions. Never again. Never ever again.

There are many things I have changed since the end of the horror that was this relationship and the fallout from it. Some of it still trickles in and lands on me but I wipe it off and keep walking forward. I have been blessed with a new partner who returns all I give to him with respect and honesty.

As time moves on and I get further and further from the time I spend with my exN I am finding myself getting stronger and knowing that I will never have that man in my life again gives me peace in mind, body, heart, and soul.

Good Days and Bad Days

Today is a good day.

In fact I have had SO SO many good days. I have a good job with a great company, a partner that loves and supports me, and moving to a new flat back with my wonderful friends in my favorite part of the country so it is all good.

But

Some days are bad days.

Days where I rage inside at the poison I let into my life that makes me second guess my own beliefs. Not only beliefs in myself but how I look at and treat others and I HATE that I think like I do.

There are times when I want to hurt the poison that was my ex - I want to do all the things to him he threatened to do to people that he felt wronged him and then see how he feels about it all.

How silly of me....."see how he feels"

That's the most ridiculous thing to say because he DOESN'T FEEL. That's what gets me on the bad days - I know that I have left no lasting impression on my low class uneducated lacking in intelligence ex. I can only guess but I would bet money that he has moved on thinking that he took all my money and all my self esteem and he got away with it. I would bet that he thinks that he won some game when the truth is

I WIN

I don't have a man in my life that belittles me, cheats on me, lies to me, (and everyone else including his family), steals from me, and makes claims of being a real man when there is nothing real about him.

Bless my current partner - he is a real man - he stands beside me and supports me in my life, my dreams and my needs - together we are a couple not Overseer and slave - emotionally that is.

I WIN because I am myself and I am happy - something that he will never be because all he is is false - he has no sense of self because he has no sense of anything other then the things he owns and the women he mentally, emotionally and fiscally abuses.

Today is a good day because I am centered and focused and doing things for myself.

Today is a good day because I am helping others by writing this blog and hoping other victims of the horror that is NPD.

Today is a good day because my partner called and told me he loves me.

Often I hear people say that I should forgive and forget. I forgive nothing I forget nothing.

I trust that there is a higher power and what goes around will come around.

Today is a good day.

The End....almost

I got home from the airport and my ex picked me up acting as if nothing serious had happened. He took the side of the skank he had only known for a few days over me and I was just disgusted but, frankly, was at the point of not caring. My exN was catsitting for me and I wanted to get her and get home and just get away from him. He refused to take me home so I was forced to stay at his flat until the next day. My cat never liked him and he thought she was getting used to him but during her stay she wanted away from him so bad that she hid behind his desk until he got her out. I was nauseous just being with him and we hadn't had full sex in a long time as he still couldn't get erect and I just didn't want him near me. Not because he couldn't perform but because my eyes were wide open. He had "borrowed" all my saved up money with no intent of paying me back - even though he said it over and over again - he kept his phone on silent and females were contacting me telling me how they had been with him behind my back. I was tired and done with it all. He had told me we would be married but he never bought me a ring he said we would move in together and watched me give away my kingsize bed in anticipation of our moving in together and he found a way to stop it and I was forced to sleep on a futon for a year which may have ruined my back. All these things ran through my head but his emotional abuse had rung me dry and I had lost my spine.

3 weeks after I had come home there was some sense of normalcy. I had let Mr. W use my small car as petrol was expensive and it was cheaper to run.  For a week he had it and i didn't mind it needed to be used. He had asked me to go with him to a therapist meeting at his place of work as he was fighting to keep his job - as usual. I rearranged my schedule and was up at 5:30 in the morning and went with him to his job and sat there. He hated that I had a lot to talk to the Occupational therapist about as I have a similar background. Mr. W was all about the attention as he filled out tests and forms. It was obvious that he was trying to put down what was expected and the therapist knew it. He then drove me to work.

I had a shift that ended at 8 pm and then intended on going to his flat. I called him up and asked that he use his larger 4x4 as it was snowing and it might get worse. He said fine. He picked me up and we were driving home. I was very tired and just wanted to go home but he said not to forget my laptop and I said why? and he went off and started yelling at me about how I knew exactly why we couldn't use his laptop and that he wasn't a mug and that this was about money and petrol. That the reason I asked him to use his 4x4 wasn't because of the weather but it was that I didn't want him using my petrol or spending my money.

Now I found this to be a bit amusing as he had used up all my money and I had put the petrol in the car I let him run around in for the week without expecting him to put anything in the car.

He then went on about how he didn't want to see me and was dropping me off and not to slam the door as the window was messed up. I was angry and shut the door but nothing happened to the window. He called me a bitch and demanded his keys back and threw mine at me and drove off. That was the end.

I didn't shed a tear. I just heaved a heavy sigh and called his sister and told her it was over and went up to my flat.

This may sound like the end but it isn't the end....with Narcs it never is.....

On it goes

So after catching him on singles sites thing kind of reached a strange level of normalcy. There were no huge outbursts but, looking back I can see where I just lost the will to fight back or pull myself together. I noticed how he would text someone but not tell me who it was but I blanked it and he seemed to have these outbursts at the yard of how much he loved and needed me.

Already at this point females had been telling me that Mr. W kept approaching them and one even stated that he had given them his number "in case they needed anything". She was married and a disgusted by the obvious innuendo. I find it interesting that as much as there a lot of women with no morals or ethics there were many who thought I was a nice enough person to tell me what he was doing and to say without using direct words, that he wasn't worth my time and I was better then him. The hard part is he had succeeded in isolating me and he had my mind so confused with his doubletalk and lies that I wasn't sure anymore what the truth was and what the lies were. He went for weeks of being so loving but he would go on and on about his exGF and how "Spunkbucket" was gonna have her life ruined. He focused on his ex saying she was nuts and how she "never let him rest and forced his every night to be physical with him" and that she beat her kids and her horse so he was gonna make sure she was ruined. I watched as he sent photos of her without her walking stick to the Benefits office and called them again and again to make sure they saw her as a benefit thief. Eventually they took her benefits away and she has had to put her horse on loan. Was she really a benefit thief? Did she beat her kids? I don't know but the way he went about things, including his sister in it all, was frightening to watch. Even if she was all he said she was - I felt sorry for her because I was truly seeing how unbalanced he was - it started that little spark in the back of my mind that this man was just not right in the head.

As I said previously. Mr. W's sister fed his addictions - drugs and shopping. Weeks before his 50th birthday she metioned that she found this watch that the character Jack Bauer wore in 24 and showed it to him - of course he wanted it and as he gets everything he wants she bought it for him. It wasn't cheap and he was grateful but like a 15 year old he just accepted it like he deserved it. Meanwhile for his big birthday I had professional portraits done. It cost me a lot of money to not only have the pictures taken but to have them framed and instead of saying that this was lovely all he did was criticize that I should have used the photographer he knew and then stated he would have done them all differently. Further he noticed that we used a local historic hotel and we were in one of its rooms so he intimated that there was more going on then just the photos. In essence he knew better and the photos were horrible and somewhere in there I cheated on him. Mr. W is a mediocre photographer at best and was an ungrateful wretch when it came to what I had done.

As the time passed I noticed that he was chatting with some exes and when I asked him if they knew he had a partner he said no and when I asked why he hadn't told them he said why should he and I said because you are in a relationship and it's wrong he went on about how I am controlling and all about money and food. He always did this - he would turn it around so it was about me being jealous or find fault and twist it so he was never to blame.

When we first me he went on and on about he didn't believe in celebrating birthdays or holidays as he, and his family, gave gifts whenever they felt like it so they didn't need a particularly day to do this. What this really meant was he was a cheap bastard and only gave gifts when he needed to impress or was about to lose his supply. When my birthday came around a month after his I didn't expect anything. After all he had yet to take me on a real date or buy anything significant of quality. In the first few months he bought me a pair of cowboy boots and a riding helmet. Both I needed and were of some expense but after that he spent all his money on himself and bought me cheap tat that seemed nice on the surface but was crap afterwards. Once he bought me a couple of watches that I liked but both fell apart within weeks. Nothing like I would have truly bought for myself. I still have them and wear them now and then but it makes my stomach turn to hold them to be truthful. Like him they were tacky and over the top - no class. For my birthday he actually did buy me a framed wonder woman comic poster. I was taken by surprise especially as it's something that I truly do like - as I am a comic book geek. I only found out much later his sister paid for it. Sigh. So much for putting me first.

It was soon after this that the walls of our relationship began to fall. We were in a tack shop when I heard his phone go and went to stand with him and saw a female had texted him. I waited till we were in the car and asked him who that was and he lied to my face and said it was a male friend. I watched him as he looked me in the eye and lied to me. We got back to his flat and he put his smartphone on charge. I asked to look at it as I had never used one. Subconsciously I think I wanted to see this text but I didn't think about that at first. He actually said it was ok to look at his phone. I pressed every symbol to see what they all did and I touched the envelope and up popped the message "Hey gorgeous your text almost got me in trouble will text later" - I just about lost it. He bullshit his way through it and then told me who it was. It was the married with kids ex that had been texting him 8 months before with the good morning good night messages that I asked him to cut off because that is not appropriate. He said he had but the truth is he lied and hid her from me. To top it off he had lunch with her and didn't tell me. I knew then and there I had to get out but didn't know how....

What is Narcissistic Personality Disorder really?

I thought is best that somewhere I post what is Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I am going to cut and paste from another website - I will sight it when I remember where I got it from - this is the best I could find in plain language. I hope it helps people understand.

This is something posted by a woman on a forum I am on for victims of Narcissists. Sadly as you further and further into this it is EXACTLY what has happened to me. I know I will move on but seeing it in black and white sadly really hits home. If you can read it all the way through you may understand a bit of what myself, and many others have been through.

In normal relationships partners are able to genuinely appreciate the others separateness having mutual regard for each others boundaries, feelings and needs. Hotchkiss explains the "Fusion Delusion" that occurs in relationships with Narcissists. When "two such lovers connect, the goal for one - and often enough for the other as well - is complete and total merger, the obliteration of one partner's autonomy in the service of the other's narcissism." (pg. 122) A power struggle ensues to see which one can bend the other to meet their needs.

Narcissists can be experts in manipulation and seduction of the opposite sex. Lowen defines seduction as a "false statement or promise to get another person to do what he or she would not otherwise do. The promise can be explicitly stated, or it can be implied. Psychopathic swindlers openly promise something they have no intention of giving. But most seductive ploys involve promises that are not clearly stated." For a Narcissist seducing someone in to having sex with them reinforces their view of themselves as special and powerful - they have won control over the "object".

He explains that "Narcissists use sex as a substitute for love and intimacy". Some are very good at knowing how to pleasure their partner e.g. being able to maintain an erection for as long as is required for their partner to orgasm. They've spent time learning the techniques they use because the better they get the more narcissistic supplies they are bound to secure, the more powerful they feel.

Narcissists tend to make poor lovers long term. To them it is a mechanical act; it doesn't really require true intimacy just physical closeness. Usually in order for a partner to experience "mind blowing" orgasms they need to feel connected to their lovers own sexual excitement and feelings of love. Narcissist's don't have these passionate feelings they've spent so much effort repressing them. They essentially masturbate with the "object's" body. A Narcissists orgasms are not intense as a result. Some even prefer pornography and masturbation to sex.

To Narcissists commitment is akin to castration. They don't want intimacy because that leads to people knowing their faults and insecurities. On the other hand they will be keen to show that they are capable of living a normal life and having a relationship with someone but this will depend on the person. "His own self-image requires that other people also see the love object in an idealized way. Toward that end, he must select someone who is beautiful, intelligent, accomplished, or otherwise widely recognized as exceptional. The Narcissist hopes to commandeer those admirable qualities that he or she lacks, acquiring "guilt" by association." Hotchkiss (pg. 124)

Narcissists demand adulation and respect from their partner. They have a belief in their absolute uniqueness and as such they want to be the only important thing to the person they "love". Even if they have had children Narcissists often expect their partners to choose them above their offspring. They can be extremely competitive with their children who they see as challengers for their partner's attention.

If you're in love with a Narcissist you might have heard them say "You don't really love me" and on some level they're right because THE PERSON YOU FEEL IN LOVE WITH IS A FALSE SELF. NOT REAL. To love them would mean you have to love all of them good and bad. To love them is to accept that the Narcissist does NOT know the meaning of love which comes as a result of not being loved by their parents for who they truly are. For this reason they don't know how to receive love or how to give love - they MERELY act it out to get the narcissistic supplies they need. They see love as twisted and they don't want it from you, they want your admiration and respect. Their relationships are filled with conflicts as a result. No, they can not love.

Nobody likes to think they give love to receive love but for a person to be in love with a Narcissist it is necessary to deny their own feelings and to accept that they can never have that which they defiantly seek to give the Narcissist - love. Denial of feeling is the road to insanity.

What feelings do they have?

Shame - for their weaknesses. When their weaknesses are brought to their attention it shatters their grand illusions of themselves. Sometimes they rage when exposed.

Envy - for others who have what they don't, who are skilled at what they are not, who can feel what they don't, who are happy just being themselves.

Entitlement - to special treatment and having all their needs and wants met at the instant they need them to be met.

Any good feelings they have are linked to how others perceive them. Without an audience to play to they can become bored and despondent. It's almost as if they cannot bear to spend time on their own for fear of their own thoughts betraying their omnipotence.

What does the false self look like in action?

Narcissistic people will do whatever they can to ensure people see them as they see themselves i.e. special. Some focus on materialistic things ensuring they are seen in the best clothes at the right places and driving new or expensive cars etc. even if they can't afford to live that way. Some Narcissists in particular will focus on the perfection of their bodies.They will want to impress others with stories of their accomplishments; new jobs, wage rises, expensive holidays, their sexual conquests etc. (Sometimes it may be apparent that these accomplishments are not as substantial as they have been made out to be or are not attributable to their own efforts. Lies and distortions of the truth are not unusual from the lips of a Narcissist.)

On a personal interaction level they may offer to put themselves out to help you in your work, treat you like a Princess/Prince, taking you out and buying you gifts, complimenting you, making seemingly creative one off gestures to show they care or have thought about what you would like, treating you as a valued friend, spending lots of time with you etc. They make you feel special and at this point you are special to them, not for who you are but because they see you as an extension of themselves. This view of you is known as "Inflation". (On the part of the Narcissist all these lovely gestures are usually undertaken on a shallow level and if you are emotionally invested it is unlikely that you are going to notice until it's too late - even if they have given you good warning that they're not always this nice).

Narcissistic people do not make these gestures selflessly; they behave this way to feel good about themselves which is accomplished through how you feel about them. The positive feelings (and at times negative ones) that they are in essence trying to extract from you are a bid to confirm that they are important or special. These feelings they extract from you are known as narcissistic supplies. A source of these narcissistic supplies termed a "Narcissistic Supply Source" (NSS).

The Narcissist doesn't have the emotional reserves to pull off this facade indefinitely - it is hard work.

What happens when the false self starts to crack?

A Narcissists charming behaviour lasts as long as they get what they want from you i.e. that you provide evidence to confirm their view of themselves as special. In any relationship where people spend a lot of time together it is normal for the parties involved to notice the others bad habits and behaviours. To some degree it is normal behaviour for people to point these bad habits and behaviours out to the other person in order to try and improve the relationship. Narcissists do not react kindly to this, they see it as an attack on their perfection. As a result of this their behaviour starts to change. The lovely person you know will start to disappear as the damaged part of them emerges, the things they do to impress you will become fewer and farther between, you will start to feel less and less special to them as they start to treat you badly and show their frustrations (overtly or covertly) at your inability to meet their needs more frequently. This is known as your "Devaluation".

During periods of frustration which are brought about as a result of their needs not being met narcissistic people will certainly make you aware of your inability to meet these needs. They will either do so overtly; raging, abandoning, publicly humiliating you, belittling your abilities and possibly becoming abusive. Or they will do it covertly; giving you the silent treatment, sulking, discussing things that they know will upset you or behaving in ways they know you find hurtful regardless of if they are related to the frustration you have "caused" or not.

If their frustration stems from their own inability to meet their wants and needs e.g. not getting a promotion, loosing at sport, receiving criticism for work they have done etc. the frustration is usually transferred onto the people they interact with (often their nearest and dearest) or it is channeled into harmful activities such as excessive drinking, drugs, gambling, driving fast etc. In "transference" what the Narcissist is in effect doing is taking their feelings of "I'm bad/inadequate/guilty" and passing them on to you because they don't want to cope with anything that shatters their good image.

Maybe at this point you will try to work harder to make them happier; you will start to question the things that you have done wrong to bring this change about and try and make amends. Maybe they will start to manipulate your emotions to extract more narcissistic supplies from you even if that's through intimidation and fear. They may even tell you the truth, tell you that they are no good for you and how badly they behave. Maybe you'll jump to their defence telling them they are valuable with renewed hope that there is something alive/good inside them. Before long you won't know what's real/the truth and what's not. Years may pass and you will wonder when the person you first met is going to come back. If you are prone to loosing yourself in relationships it's likely that by the time you've decided you've had enough (or you've been dumped by the Narcissist as a NSS) you will already have lost sight of the best parts of yourself and taken on a few of their more interesting character traits.

When the end comes it doesn't arrive quickly. The Narcissist may come back for more when other NSSs aren't in ready supply or not doing their jobs properly. They may even enlist the aid of their friends to bring you back to the fold or intimidate you. Or maybe you will try to go back to them because you miss their presence in your life (which is usually the result of a loss of adrenaline that was previously generated by the highs and lows that interactions with Narcissists bring). You're unlikely to get any closure on the basis that you to and fro or because there isn't going to be a happy ending where you're going to get the answers you need to feel happy about what happened in order to be able to put a lid on it.

There are a few things you can console yourself with, firstly, and most importantly you will have people you can turn to. Your friends, your family (if they're not part of the reason that you've accepted this type of Narcissistic behaviour for so long) and your Doctor or a Counsellor. Even people who cry in the street are asked "Are you ok?" if they stand still for long enough, I've seen it (not that I suggest you trust any stranger you meet - choose your confidants wisely -- I made a mistake or two myself).

Secondly, the Narcissist isn't going to be spending time worrying about how you're feeling or analysing their part in what went wrong in your "relationship". This is because they won't think they've done anything wrong and they don't like to dwell on any negative emotions. In fact it's likely they will feel a sense of relief that they no longer have to work so hard at keeping up appearances. They'll just go and find another NSS to replace you, if they're good looking or successful it won't take them long so rest easy for them. Talk about it out loud, analyse it till you're blue in the face, anything that helps you to process what's happened and learn from it.

So try not to be too hard on yourself if you've taken all you can stand.

Finally, things will get better. It may not be quick in fact it may be hell on earth for some time but like any loss or death of a loved one it will get easier for you to cope and you'll start to feel good about yourself again.

His Sister

Hmmmm - where to begin. Mr. Wonderful has a sister. Though he is the oldest she is the one that actually understands the meaning of responsibility and, in her own way, respect and loyalty.

We became friends during the first couple of weeks of mine and her brother's relationship. Mr. W had the first of two surgeries on his leg after we met and I had taken time off for a year so I visited him each day in the hospital. She was about my height, 5' 7", but an average sized woman. Mr. W used to tell me she needed at least an hour and a half before leaving the house as she was so concerned by her looks. I saw a bleached blonde woman with way too much makeup on but she obviously loved her brother and appeared somewhat level headed.

She expressed to me that I was the first "normal" female her brother had dated in decades as well as probably the best looking. It became an almost daily occurence that she and I would talk on the phone for a few minutes or an hour. It seemed that she lived her life via the telephone or Facebook.

I found out that even though she was a trained beautician and assisted her husband, now and then, on his rounds as a medical professional, she rarely left the house and lived on the phone and on Facebook. Her entire life revolved around the false personas and stories she created with her bizarre friends on FB. She collected bodybuilders as friends on FB and then would spend hours on the phone with any number of these men no matter where they were in the world.

On a daily basis we would chat about her weird goings on on FB and about her brother's habits and the things he did that she seemed to feel were normal and acceptable. I soon realised that the reason she found his abusive and manipulative behaviour acceptable is because she herself had been a victim of a long term abusive relationship with a man that used to be best friends with her brother. I always found it interesting that Mr. W wanted to "kill" this ex of hers when he found out he hit her but when hearing the mental and emotional crap he did Mr. W never saw anything wrong with it. The fact that Mr. W was good friends with this man and used to swap women with him suddenly made sense. In fact Mr. W would repeat the behaviour and comment on his sister under the guise of "just being honest"

That phrase just killed me - "I'm just being honest" was used to cover the fact that he was about to or had just made a comment that was belittling, horrible, cruel or rascist. It made me sick actually. The sister validated and enabled Mr. W's behaviours and she herself exhibited alot of the same traits.

His sister truly believed that Mr. W and I were meant to be together forever. She worked hard to bring us back together over and over again when he would mess up with his trolling single sites, lying to females, having cybersex with one of her friends. She would say things like "Oh you know how he is" to me so many times that I wanted to slap her. I would scream back "THIS IS NOT NORMAL" and she would agree that it was abusive but she would enable him and support him in his lying/cheating/stealing ways. She would often talk about how they were raised differently then other people because they lived their lives in pubs and clubs that their parents owned so what was normal for others wasn't the same for them. I had never realised that honesty, trust, paying people back and being a responsible adult were for everyone else. I lost count of how many times he would omit details when telling her of incidents between himself and I so he appeared the angel and I appeared nuts - when I would finally point out the missing "bits" she would just get quiet and still take his side.

The sister would provide him with drugs when he ran out of his codeine because of his prescription drug addiction and would give him money when he had overspent on crap he never used. If you her husband ever knew how much of his salary went into the pocket of his brother in law he would have blown up. The truth is without the brother-in-law the entire family would fall apart and it took Mr. W reminding his sister of this fact before she stopped having an emotional affairs with other men.

It is through his sister that I learned about his seven previous engagements; it is through his sister that I learned about how he treated women; it is through his sister that I pieced together that everytime Mr. W messed up as a child and caused havoc where they lived their parents would up sticks and move to another pub. Apparently a woman called up and accused Mr. W of being the father of her daughter's child so their mum said that wasn't possible and then promptly moved home and changed numbers so they could never be found. When I asked Mr. W about this he honestly didn't know or care about the fact that he may have a child in the world. After all he has proudly slept with hundreds of women without a care or a condom.

What always intrigued me was his sister's desperate need to be someone else. She created "false" pages on FB so she could dirty flirt with complete strangers and no one in her husband's extended family would see this. She called these pages her "fun" pages. I called them sad attempts to escape a life she no longer has.The low self esteem and self worth due to her age and that when she was younger she was often mistaken for Claudia Schiffer but now she rarely leaves her home and never puts real pictures of herself on her web pages. Time and again she uses pictures from 20 - 25 years ago but that doesn't surprise me as one of her closest, low class friends doesn't even use pictures of herself - she just puts her face on other, much more attractive women's bodies and then puts them up as if they were pics of herself. Of course this tactic, for both women works to attract men that they lie to about themselves, their interests, and their daily lives and exploits. I pitied the men on the other end.. Meanwhile at home her husband wouldn't sleep with her or didn't want to so she would have emotional affairs calling men as far as Canada to have phone sex while he was out doing his job. I came to realise that she saw this as ok and was in denial that this was cheating on her husband. I began to understand why whatever her brother told her about relationships and the women in his life she would believe without question - it was all about the make believe. I truly believe that she would rather live in a world where her brother was perfect and her marriage was wonderful - in her head - then face the fact the her brother was an addict, a liar, an abuser and a thief and her marriage was falling apart. I truly believe she knew her husband was her meal ticket and without him she would have to go out into the world and get a real job - something she was obviously loathe to do.

Like her brother she left school at 14/15 but she went on to beauty school and, through her modeling, got some semblence of grace and poise. She was fairly literate on the computer and seemed to be able to reason things out well but her life revolved around the dramas of FB.

I have to say there is nothing sadder then someone who tries to fill their life with a life that is all made up and as Mr. W made up his entire personality to cover his emptiness, loneliness and insecurities it was no wonder she did the same.

In the end she took everything we talked about and told her brother - she believed everything and anything he said to her as long as it kept him in that bubble labeled "my perfect big brother" so the knife in my back went pretty deep......

Continuing...

So I got  back from that horrific holiday with my family. The one ruined by Mr. Wonderful because he kept accusing me of having cheated on him with my friend of 25 years - yet he is allowed to flirt with an ex from 20 years ago even though she is married with children and obviously unhappy in her relationship. There is no logic in a Narcissist's world - there is only his views, his life, his needs, his wants and what he believes. He may disguise it a putting you first but in the end it is all about how he can manipulate it so that it is all about him.

I get back and he has made me feel as if I had cheated on him. Just to remind you he found an email I wrote to my friend telling him that I just didn't want to tell Mr. W. because of his unbalanced view of males in my life and the fact that he was african american. Mr. W. broke up with me and announced it across FB but then got back with me after making me feel like I had actually done something when I had done NOTHING. The cracks in his facade were showing and I was beginning to see what a liar and selfish ass he was.

So through all this I am still financially supporting him in many ways. I have already given him money to cover his mortgage three times, covered expenses for feeding his horse and have paid to have the horse shod. As time goes by he keeps referring to me as his "soon to be Mrs." and that we will move in together and that when that happens he will pay for the mortgage and utilities because he owes me so much monetarily it will make him feel better because real men don't take money from women. I guess that doesn't apply to me or to his sister. (His sister I will discuss in another post).

Over and over again he would tell me how he loves me and that the past is the past. In my mind there was no past other then his temper tantrums, his over dosing on his pain meds, his taking of my money (when I earn half of what he does)  and his childish silent treatments. His constant need for attention was wearing thin and then there was a day when, looking back, I know I was completely under his control.

At his house he had his laptop open all the time. I noticed now and then he would get emails from single sites but, like me, you can get spammed as your address can be added to any number of mailing lists. I asked to look on his computer at a site selling horses as I was always looking but could not afford to buy and he said sure. I went in to type in the URL and in the drop down of sites he had already visited up comes a URL of a singles site he was still active on with horses in the name. I found it and found he had been talking with a female in the US and that he had told her he had not found anyone yet and he was still looking. That she was gorgeous (not) and just his type (anything with a heartbeat). I showed him what I found and HE accused me of snooping. I then realised that all those emails were NOT spam but he was still active on all these sites. I told him if he didn't take down his pages I was gone. He dropped to his knees and begged me. Somehow he managed few tears to add to the effect and I fell for it. Hook, line and sinker. I know I am the fool but he had me wrapped around his finger. Completely.

Over the next few weeks I watched him delete no less then four different pages across singles sites. I made me sick. My insecurities hit an all time high. I treated this man like gold and he was still looking - did that mean I was useless and horrible? Not good enough? Ugly? Fat? Stupid? That is how all this made me feel. It blew everything up into huge proportions. Top that with the fact that his mobile was always on silent and he would text someone without telling me so I knew I had to work harder.

I know reading this back some may think that I should have just walked away but an emotionally abusive relationship is like no other. It is under your skin and tears you apart from the inside. Though Mr. W was uneducated he was smart in knowing how to twist the hearts and minds of the women in his life. As educated and self aware as I was, and am, it's women like myself that attract men like this. They hunt us like prey because we have what they don't - smarts, ambition, success, happiness - things they will never realise or achieve. We supply them with what they themselves are unable to find and when they begin to face this they devalue and discard us. Mr. W wasn't done with me yet so we continued on.