Saturday, 30 July 2011

The everyday

I think I need to tell the bits that are often forgotten by victim as they are taken swiftly forward on a tide of control, craziness, confusion and manipulation.

Everyday my "self" was chipped away and lost. Parts of me that I was so sure of were left behind in a cloud of dust in the forward momentum of Mr. W's fantasy of our relationship.

You see what he was was all false and a facade. Over the years he perfected how to find out what makes his "supply" tick and he would find what buttons would ensnare and hold his female victim to him and make them stay. With me I was at a time in my life that I stood at a crossroads - I wanted to move on into another career, not sure how to do it, I wanted to learn more about myself but not quite there yet. I had a soft spot for weak people that needed "fixing." The truth was I needed fixing myself but I wasn't quite cognizant of this myself but he was - oh yes he was.

I was always the one that wanted the strong man who recognised my intelligence and inner beauty. I wanted a man who was a "real man" when in truth, at that time, I wanted tomeone to just take control for once as things were a bit meandering for me. Mr. W came along and bowled me over and took control and swept me off my feet but then all the little bits and bobs started.

First he was in debt. In my world you take the bull by the horns and deal with it but he would just bury his head and keep spending like it was nothing. He kept overdrawing his account and missing his mortgage payments and not able to pay his utilities. Well I had quite a bit of savings and he told me how he thought men who took money from women and didn't pay it back were weak so I knew he would pay me back. I got him on a debt management plan in the end but he never care about his budget as he knew I would cover or his sister, his main enabler, would give him money. A 51 year old man who couldn't manage his own money and relied on his sister's husband to support him. The reality is the husband never knew how much money his wife gave to his brother-in-law - sad, very very sad. The poor man was used by the whole family and never questioned it. He said he loved me and wanted to marry me so he would pay me back of course!!. Over the 18 months we were together he drained my savings account in both the UK and US with promises of our getting married and moving in together but none of this happened. You see he was not a man at all - he was an emotional, mental, spiritual, financial vampire. He took and took from me and gave me nothing. He managed to buy all this crap for himself and his horse but never did I see and engagement ring and each time it came to moving in with him he created drama just before so that it never happened. Funny how that worked.

I have yet to see more the 385 pounds paid back out of thousands owed I guess that's the price I have paid for my freedom but it is disgusting how, once again, he doesn't face the responsibility of the consequences of his actions.

Another wonderful thing he would do is constantly comment about other women on a daily basis. His exes were brought up everyday in one way, shape or form. "oh that actress looks my ex so and so " or "oh that presenter looks a bit messy it must be when she left the flat this morning". You see he lived in this fantasy world where, jokingly, all these hot actresses, presenters, girlbands, would rush down his door each night for hours of hot sex with him and leave early before anyone knew. His maturity was about that of a 14 year old and there were times I had to treat him as such. The constant barrage of comments about women on television, computer, in his head, and oogling walking down the street at first put me ill at ease and then made me feel as if I was in competition with every female on the planet. That on top of the fact that he never acknowledged to women that he was in a relationship and when women did meet me I had to introduce myself as Mr. W's partner made me appear as the jealous peerson. The truth is that he is the liar and they are just ignorant. He would lead all these females on until, as he would say. I would ruin it for him. He was only flirting he would say - yeah right  - he was looking for new "supply" so he had backup should I leave him. Without the adoration of females, ANY females he would feel less of a man. Truth was he was less of a man anyway I just wasn't seeing it after all, it was love.

Then there was the little comments - "You've gained a little weight you know" or "you think I am dumb don't you" - that was my favorite knowing he left school as a teenager and I have been educated to an advanced level he always thought people thought he was stupid. Truth is he was not the sharpest knife in the drawer and I had to translate certain documents for him. Truth is, toward the end, I was tired of the same old topics of discussion - always topics he chose - same old things on the weekends. He managed to alienate my friends, make me believe that his life was our life and, in the end, that I was a lesser person to all those other females. The reality was I was, and am, a better quality, better educated, higher class person then he could ever be and it took a long time for me to remember that.

No comments: