Jealousy and Envy

Again and again it is said that Narcissists/Sociopaths are cold, distant animals but I think they thrive on the "hotter" emotions of anger, jealousy, and envy.

Whether consciously or unconsciously I believe that the N's search for supply that have the aspects that are missing within themselves. Intelligence, education, success, large group of friends, acceptance, respect - all these things that the N's can't secure or find for themselves they try to take from their supply - they systematically destroying those aspects they themselves can't have.

I found that within my relationship my N partner kept saying the reason he was with me was my intelligence, my beauty, my success and friends. That he couldn't wait to meet my friends, that he could help me expand my career and together we would build a life, he couldn't wait to meet my family and go to America.

Over time he alienated my friends by making disgusting remarks or hitting on them. He would try to push me into doing things that he then would take credit for so he would look better; he emptied my bank account with promises and wasted business ideas; constantly made comments regarding my weight, managed to always back out of our living together and never could seem to make it to visit my family

He kept wanting what I had then destroying it all. He could not handle the fact that though he, on the surface was so supportive, underneath it all he hated that I was the way I was. He hated that I had the friends, university education, had a life, a career, a good salary and was respected by those around me.

It took some time but I began to see the simmering below the surface. The digs over time - his comments "You think you know everything?" - taking what at first attracted him to me and twisting it because he left school at 15 and he feels people somehow know this and hold it against him. He holds it against himself.

I found from his sister that he kept discussing my bank account with her and how I wasn't sharing my money because, after all, we were to be married. He couldn't save or keep money before it was out the door on some crap - he quickly made sure he spent my money and repeatedly accused me of being only about money.

That's only a couple of examples but looking back it is now obvious at what was lacking in his life contributed to his empty soul. He had no friends of any worth, his debt was through the ceiling, he couldn't get ahead at work, and he was getting to old and women laughed at his comments and overtures so he was truly realising that he would be unsuccessful in getting a quality woman in his life or any sort of supply.

In the end his jealousy and envy surfaced as anger and hate revealing a truly ugly human being if he could have been called one. His lies were exposed and those he thought he could manipulate against me turned against him and he was left alone and having to cut ties with a large number of people with the excuse that I was poisoning his life.

He had no life to poison and I wasn't that interested enough to bother.

The End....almost

I got home from the airport and my ex picked me up acting as if nothing serious had happened. He took the side of the skank he had only known for a few days over me and I was just disgusted but, frankly, was at the point of not caring. My exN was catsitting for me and I wanted to get her and get home and just get away from him. He refused to take me home so I was forced to stay at his flat until the next day. My cat never liked him and he thought she was getting used to him but during her stay she wanted away from him so bad that she hid behind his desk until he got her out. I was nauseous just being with him and we hadn't had full sex in a long time as he still couldn't get erect and I just didn't want him near me. Not because he couldn't perform but because my eyes were wide open. He had "borrowed" all my saved up money with no intent of paying me back - even though he said it over and over again - he kept his phone on silent and females were contacting me telling me how they had been with him behind my back. I was tired and done with it all. He had told me we would be married but he never bought me a ring he said we would move in together and watched me give away my kingsize bed in anticipation of our moving in together and he found a way to stop it and I was forced to sleep on a futon for a year which may have ruined my back. All these things ran through my head but his emotional abuse had rung me dry and I had lost my spine.

3 weeks after I had come home there was some sense of normalcy. I had let Mr. W use my small car as petrol was expensive and it was cheaper to run.  For a week he had it and i didn't mind it needed to be used. He had asked me to go with him to a therapist meeting at his place of work as he was fighting to keep his job - as usual. I rearranged my schedule and was up at 5:30 in the morning and went with him to his job and sat there. He hated that I had a lot to talk to the Occupational therapist about as I have a similar background. Mr. W was all about the attention as he filled out tests and forms. It was obvious that he was trying to put down what was expected and the therapist knew it. He then drove me to work.

I had a shift that ended at 8 pm and then intended on going to his flat. I called him up and asked that he use his larger 4x4 as it was snowing and it might get worse. He said fine. He picked me up and we were driving home. I was very tired and just wanted to go home but he said not to forget my laptop and I said why? and he went off and started yelling at me about how I knew exactly why we couldn't use his laptop and that he wasn't a mug and that this was about money and petrol. That the reason I asked him to use his 4x4 wasn't because of the weather but it was that I didn't want him using my petrol or spending my money.

Now I found this to be a bit amusing as he had used up all my money and I had put the petrol in the car I let him run around in for the week without expecting him to put anything in the car.

He then went on about how he didn't want to see me and was dropping me off and not to slam the door as the window was messed up. I was angry and shut the door but nothing happened to the window. He called me a bitch and demanded his keys back and threw mine at me and drove off. That was the end.

I didn't shed a tear. I just heaved a heavy sigh and called his sister and told her it was over and went up to my flat.

This may sound like the end but it isn't the end....with Narcs it never is.....

No such thing as normal

So time is going by.

Weekend after weekend of what he wants to do when he wants to do it and how he wants to do it.

Now don't get me wrong I love horses and country music and an occasional watching of the series of 24 but Mr. W. idolised Jack Bauer almost like he was a real person. Any TV show that was military themed and American he viewed like a rabid dog. He said time and again he should have joined the military when he was younger. All I kept thinking was how much worse would he be now if he also had the discipline to follow up all his fruitless endeavours?

Day after day of how awful his work was and how he was going to win all this money from suing them. He had slipped on a stair tread at work aggravating his already damaged achilles tendon so he chose to sue them because, contrary to his constant berating me about being about money, all he wanted was money. Lots of it. Mine was running out so he slowly started to do and say the things to further devalue me. There wasn't a day that didn't go by that he would mention one or two of his exes and how hot they were or they looked like this or that celebrity. I saw pics of these women but they were far from celebrity attractive and mostly were low class non-educated women with children. Very few were like myself who actually had careers. I believe there were 3 out of the couple of dozen of women he would brag about. Most of the decent ones were when he was very young and hadn't perfected his style of Use Abuse and Cast aside.

Mr. W had this dream in his head about going to work on a ranch in Arizona for a month. Now let me tell you we are not talking about a true working ranch where you have to get up at dawn and go out and check on cattle via horseback for 14 hours then come home - we are talking about a RESORT ranch where the only thing you are taking out are people on horseback a few times a day. He went with one of his exes to this ranch and got to know the owners because that is what he does and the owner told him he could come work for a month in exchange for room and board. The owner saw free labor standing there so he said ok. Mr. W acted like they were best buddies but I am sure the owner could care less because Mr. W has said for years he is going but has managed to find a way to not to do it especially if I was involved. 3 times we discussed this - the first time he had his leg in a cast and he couldn't do it then the second time the volcano in iceland stopped flights and he refused to pick another date for us to travel and the third time he said he wanted to go but he didn't want me to go for any part of it. I remember he said "Don't you trust me?" I said "Hell no."

The entire summer of that year went mostly without a hitch but my self esteem was gone and my self worth was in the toilet. He kept going on about how I had to lose weight when I had recently lost 6 stone - he used that crap line of "This is only for your health" and "I am being on honest" line as well. He them began a new thing of telling me that my house was disgusting and I had poor personal hygiene. Let's see I don't have time to clean my flat as I was catering to his every whim and errand and making sure I wouldn't say or do anything to start a rage or childish tirade where he doesn't answer his phone or says he may not wake up in the morning and I can have his horse.

Months go by of his making more and more comments and his talking to more and more females. He's back on FB and flirting with women but won't let me see his page. He continues to lie to his exes and never tell them he has a partner. He said, again we would move in together so I gave my expensive bed to charity only for it not to happen again. My accounts are empty but I am looking forward to seeing my family at Thanksgiving and, once again, he won't be with me because, coincidentally, his second surgery is scheduled so he can't go. How convenient.

Not once did Mr. W ask about my family or how any of them were doing. He would ask me how my day was but within minutes the conversation would turn to hm and his needs and wants and what a victim he is. It was all about feeding his desperate need for attention.

At this point no engagement ring, we haven't moved in together and his belittling of me and my life continues and his verbal and emotional abuse escalates when he realises that my bank accounts are empty.

I need out and I have concluded it is time to go. In my head I have begun to detach from this horrible man. As much as I love him I don't deserve to be treated like this - my depression has taken hold but the only way out is to rid myself of him. Maybe there is a way to salvage this but I will see how I feel after I get back from my family holiday.