I can only try to describe the hours lost night after night to the theatre in my head that replayed all the things I only wanted to forget and leave behind of Mr. Wonderful and his abusive ways.
The good, the bad, and the ugly showing continuously over and over again behind my eyes making me feel that anger, shame, helplessness I felt the first time those situations happened.
- the first time he lied to me about no longer having contact with his exes - Was I not enough that he had to keep contact with the exes even the "insane" ones?
- Catching him trolling single sites and his twisting it around to my snooping on his computer when he's the one who left his email open on the screen and said I could check my own email account - Feeling anger at the betrayal but the insecurity that he may be ending our relationship.
- "I am only being honest hun, you need to lose some weight but only because I worry for your health" comment made day after day after day. This said a year after we met and his original happiness at meeting a "real woman" and not the "skinny things you can't hug" - feeling shame that I wasn't attractive enough even though I had lost over 80 pounds to get where I was and before I met him I was happy with how I looked.
- "Only real men borrow money from women and don't pay it back" after he took multiple thousands of pounds and swore by my living with him before we get married I wouldn't have to pay a thing hence I would get all my money back - off course this never happened - anger at myself for believing him, shame at allowing him to take all my savings and introducing him to my family and then nothing every happening.
- Watching him text other women and then either being told lies or not told at all in regards to who he was texting right in front of me - depressed and tired of the fight to have an open and honest relationship.
Just of few of the hundreds of scenarios that kept me awake night after night after night. A year on this only happens once in awhile but when it happens I rage in my head and think of things I would love to do back to him and make him hurt like he hurt me; effect his life like what he did effected mine. But I know that he has not thought twice about me other then how he got away with what he did and he has moved on to some new supply and sadly she probably thinks he is the best thing on the planet - for now.
After nights of CD I get out of bed drained and tired. Pissed off at myself for allowing it all to happen and wasting the energy on him when he isn't worth the time spent briefly thinking about him. I know my life is so much better without him and my future is so much brighter for him not being in it but I do have negative thoughts and they aren't pretty but, unlike him, I don't act on them I just keep looking forward.