Patterns

Recently a post on a group I am part of sparked in me all the patterns in his behaviour I discovered over time. 

Hindsight is 20/20 and it is definitely so clear when you have the distance and detachment.

Let's start with the term "insane ex" = apparently all his ex's were labeled "insane" or "cheaters" or "liars" or all three or a combination of any description he thought would elicit a reaction of the supply he was hunting.

At this moment I am the insane ex - he has told everyone that I am controlling, money hungry, and I stalked him. I haven't spoken to him in over a year but that was what he was telling others according to a woman I ran into from our old livery yard. While we were together his recent long term ex was nuts. According to him she tried to run him down in a car, cut up his underwear and left it on his doorstep and she paid for a place to get married and picked out a dress.(He spent a year reporting her to the Benefits Fraud team to make sure she "paid" for what she did to him - after I dumped him he chased her up like a rabid dog) His ex before her was his ex wife and she, apparently, chose her kids over him and she was "too stupid" to fill out her own job application and if it wasn't for him she wouldn't have her current job. The woman before her was on and off for eight years as he repeatedly cheated on her and he couldn't figure out why she took care of his dying mother but then never spoke to him again. 

He was engaged SEVEN times prior to me - he was 50 years old and managed to get engaged all those times and only get married once. I figured out he only got married because his mum died and he felt he needed, for a minute, to grow up and have a family. Of course since his maturity is that of a pre-adolescent teenager that lasted all of about 5 minutes. He used engagement as a way to keep his supply - he figured out with his limited intelligence that women who think they are getting married will pretty much give up anything in the name of being in "love" with their future husband. Reality is that he never intended on marrying any female just sucking them dry of emotional and mental well-being and any financial resources they had because he was a cheater and a liar after all.

He could never keep his stories straight. As time went on he told lies to cover lies. He told me he caught one of his exes with another man, a black man, hence he constantly made comments about how she was a disgusting female (as he is a racist). One day he made this comment about how gorgeous she was and he would love to see her again (attempting to upset me) and I reminded him of what she did and he said that she never did that and that he broke up with her because she was a slob. He also lied to cover up his cheating - once he told me he was out shopping for stable supplies and had to drive some distance but a few days later he said he had to go back to the tyre store to get his tyres checked like he did the other day - I said I thought he had gone to get feed for his horse and he said that he had done that weeks ago.

There were also the times that if I contradicted him he would degrade me. Anytime I had my own opinion he would listen then turn around a bit later in the day and make a decision on whatever we discussed stating he knew best. If I disagreed I got told I was either controlling or jealous or I had to lose weight. There were other esteem ripping comments but I seemed to have blocked them at the moment.

My favorite pattern was the use of the silent treatment. If I said or did anything he didn't like he would not answer his phone or door. I went into London to visit with a female friend and have dinner. I left my phone in my handbag so as not to disturb us - when I got out of the restaurant I noticed he had texted me multiple times and called me numerous times. When I went to ring him back he refused to answer the phone. This would happen at anytime he felt he was losing control of me or my actions. Toward the end of things I frankly was happy to not have to deal with him for a night.

All of these behaviours and actions were used to isolate me and degrade me to the point that he was the centre of my universe. We did what he wanted to do when he wanted and that was that. As I do not drive in the UK I relied on him to sometimes run errands I needed and he saw this as a way of doing me a favour that later he would throw back at me.

What it all comes down to is that he isn't really human in the emotional/mental sense of things. I think of him as an instinctual animal that hunts only to supply himself with ego boosting hormones that he can only get from females. When he is done he moves on and as he has no ability to care what he has left behind the females are left devastated. I don't even pity him as he has never felt anything for me.

Transference/Projection

There are so many definitions for this word across so many disciplines - to me transference or projection means when someone accuses you or suspects you of things they themselves have done or will eventually do.

Mr. W accused of lying, cheating, being all about money, possessiveness, jealousy and controlling

Cheating and Lying. These are the two things my Mr. W said he would not tolerated in any relationship.

What did he do the most? Cheated and lied.

I came to the conclusion that if he was breathing he was lying but I will save that for another post.

I had lost count how many times the exN would say or do things and it felt that he was reading my mind but then all it was was his saying what he knew to be true.

One incident was when I found out that he had no less then FIVE mobile phones and he turned to me and said "I bet you think I call other women on these phones" of course I assured him that I did not - truth was at the time I was still in the trusting phase so it didn't occur to me YET to think that but the TRUTH was that he was contacting other females on those phones.

When it came to cheating he was the king of it all. Of course he would make up some stupid lie thinking he had gotten something over on me but reality was I just added it to the long list that drove me further away from him.

My favorite actually happened after he had D & D'd me. It was 2 months after he had thrown my keys back at me and after I agreed to a trial to see if he had changed at all. A week into it all I was at work on a Monday and I knew he had the day off so on my break I called him - both on his mobile and his home phone. No answer. I called again a half hour later and then again 45 minutes later. You would think this was nagging but once the trust is gone you just roll with it. I called on and off for hours when around half past 5 in the evening I get a text that states "Stupid neighbours woke me up" - as if I was supposed to believe he had been sleeping when I know darn well the house phone has an extension that rings in the bedroom next to his HEAD. That was the exact moment of my awakening to the fact that I was over him and he was nothing more then the stuff I scrape off my boot after cleaning out a horse stall. I waited till the weekend and I dumped him.

To top it all off was the time he told me had snuck onto the field of an NFL game played here in the UK. He told me how he got a fake press pass and he was on the field with the pros - blah blah blah. Well I came to find out that he stole that story from none other then B!!! The reason I know B is telling the truth is because he has pictures of himself, NOT Mr. W,  there on the sideline.

When it came to accusing me of cheating he was ahead of the curve. Everytime I was out of his sight he would send rude horrible emails calling me disgusting names and tell me how I was cheating on him. Even if I told him exactly where I was going and with who he didn't believe me. What's so interesting is that I never cheated on him but he was cheating on me and it was as if he accused me of it then it validated what he was doing.

He actually accused me of cheating with a friend of mine of 30 years who I hadn't seen since childhood while he was on Facebook having cybersex with a female he had only added 3 days before. When I confronted him he wanted me to apologise to her for sending her a message to get the hell away from my partner. He had multiple females around during our relationship. He would say he wanted a night in  and he was tired so I would get my butt in a cab or take a bus over and sit on the wall across from his flat and watch skanky females go in and leave.

My favourite is when he said he had removed a certain female from his life only to find out that 8 months later he was still talking and calling her but lying to me about it.

He also asked out a close acquaitance of mine for coffee and when she rejected him and confronted him about his being in a relationship he turned around and started a hate campaign against her to keep me from having further contact and finding out the truth.

Never could he hold on to a penny and once he saw that I had savings he found ways of pushing buttons and getting his hands on my money. Supposedly we were to be married so his promises of paying me back and together we will buy a home, etc. sounded plausible but I was under his thumb and lost so he took and took and never paid me back but yet I was the one all about money. To this day I find this amusing as, in the end, I had none!

Over time he managed to work things so I saw my friends less, monopolised my time and thoughts and controlled what I wore and where I went. If I was out he called many, many time; if I said I was somewhere he would quiz me; if I told him something about a friend he would belittle them and say horrible things about them hinting they said things about me to him in confidence.

Reality was he was the one that could not be trusted - turned off his phone when he was out; lied about where he was and who he was with and got angry and indignant when I asked about who he had seen.

What is comes down to it he felt he needed to give as good as he got so if he convinced himself that I was lying and cheating, spending money, and controlling his behaviour then it was ok to do it to me. Only problem is I never did any of those things - maybe that was my problem.

Those things he did...

You know it takes time to forget and it takes time to remember - here are a few of the twisted things he did while together that I figured out as time went by. Some were immediate and other not so much. Read carefully because one or two are hard to follow as they are as twisted as his mind was.

My Mr. Wonderful (not) had a horse and we both rode. One of my closest friend had a nine year old daughter who was partially deaf and loved horses. He offered to have them come and ride his horse which I thought was nice. They came to the yard and both my friend and her daughter had a ride and loved it. A few weeks later the Narc broke up with me for some reason I can't remember now and within days he then messaged MY friend and said if she and her daughter wanted to come up for another ride that would be great with a little smiley face. Now my friend had been in an abusive relationship in her past and didn't feel that this invitation was normal so she never replied but told me about it. After he begged me to take him back - as they do - I confronted him about approaching my friend and he said he was just being nice for the "deaf kid" and he doesn't like "blondes that smoke" then he had his sister - who enabled his sick ways - call me and tell me he had no intention of hitting on my friend he was only being nice - YEAH RIGHT - both my friend and I knew exactly what he was up to ---- jerk....

Another incident I recently remembered was one with a friend he considered his closest buddy.

Mr. W had a friend M. M had been friends with him for ages. At one point they worked together but M had gotten Mr. W fired, along with himself, for stealing. M was also a prescription drug abuser and seller of steroids and various other things. He lived off the government and was also and alcoholic on top of it all. Mr. Wonderful was the godfather to M's daughter who was a trampy looking blonde who would have been attractive if she dressed better and wore less make up. She was 18 at the time of this incident.

Mr. W would constantly accuse me of being jealous of any female that talked to him I wasn't jealous just disgusted by his behaviour around women. It made me nauseous to listen to and watch. One day we were at the yard taking care of his horse - well I was taking care of his horse as his goddaughter and her skanky boyfriend were visiting. Mr. W put his arm around his god daughter and attempted to make me look like an idiot thinking I would respond with irritation but all I did was walk up and say hello and get on with feeding his horse and cleaning out the stable. It happens I got along well with M and his goddaughter and I think that made Mr. W angry as he was used to isolating me and depicting me as controlling and always jealous. As the months went by M and I got to know each other and though I did not agree with his lifestyle he always treated me with respect.

One day Mr. W shows up at my flat and says "Can you call M because my goddaughter showed up at the yard in heels with her boyfriend playing loud music and the owner had a go at me so can you call M and explain why my goddaughter can't go back?" - now I thought this was a strange request but I figured M and I were friends and I could explain things. Well I called M and got a profanity laden tirade screamed at me over the phone of how I was not going to break up his and Mr. W's friendship and I was a c**t and bitch, etc. I hung up and was mortified and Mr. W was right there and didn't seem bothered. I told him he needed to call M and tell him to apologise. It never happened and for months afterwards he never did anything. I later found out from the sister - who wasn't supposed to say this to me - that apparently M thought I had accused Mr. W of wanting to sleep with his goddaughter.  The only way M would have thought that is if Mr. W had told him that and the ONLY reason Mr. W would have told him that would be to isolate me further. I was disgusted and only then realising to what lengths Mr. W would go to to keep me from getting to know his friends.

One of the other things I recently remembered was a small but significant thing - Mr. W got these emails from a female every few days. They were just joke emails but at one point she checked in with him and asked him how he was and if he was seeing anyone. He never responded that he was in a relationship - I know this because he told me he never told her. I told him he should tell her and he said "Why? It makes no difference..."

Looking back it really did make no difference - to HIM - because he really wasn't in our relationship at all - he was in a world of his own making and in that world he could be with, talk to and lie to as many females as he wanted....it truly did make no difference..

None at all.

Cognitive Dissonance

Cognitive Dissonance - the constant replaying of things in your mind of things your psychopath/narcissist said to you, made you feel, did to you during your past or ongoing relationship.

I can only try to describe the hours lost night after night to the theatre in my head that replayed all the things I only wanted to forget and leave behind of Mr. Wonderful and his abusive ways.

The good, the bad, and the ugly showing continuously over and over again behind my eyes making me feel that anger, shame, helplessness I felt the first time those situations happened.

- the first time he lied to me about no longer having contact with his exes - Was I not enough that he had to keep contact with the exes even the "insane" ones?

- Catching him trolling single sites and his twisting it around to my snooping on his computer when he's the one who left his email open on the screen and said I could check my own email account - Feeling anger at the betrayal but the insecurity that he may be ending our relationship.

- "I am only being honest hun, you need to lose some weight but only because I worry for your health" comment made day after day after day. This said a year after we met and his original happiness at meeting a "real woman" and not the "skinny things you can't hug" - feeling shame that I wasn't attractive enough even though I had lost over 80 pounds to get where I was and before I met him I was happy with how I looked.

- "Only real men borrow money from women and don't pay it back" after he took multiple thousands of pounds and swore by my living with him before we get married I wouldn't have to pay a thing hence I would get all my money back - off course this never happened - anger at myself for believing him, shame at allowing him to take all my savings and introducing him to my family and then nothing every happening.

- Watching him text other women and then either being told lies or not told at all in regards to who he was texting right in front of me - depressed and tired of the fight to have an open and honest relationship.

Just of few of the hundreds of scenarios that kept me awake night after night after night. A year on this only happens once in awhile but when it happens I rage in my head and think of things I would love to do back to him and make him hurt like he hurt me; effect his life like what he did effected mine. But I know that he has not thought twice about me other then how he got away with what he did and he has moved on to some new supply and sadly she probably thinks he is the best thing on the planet - for now.

After nights of CD I get out of bed drained and tired. Pissed off at myself for allowing it all to happen and wasting the energy on him when he isn't worth the time spent briefly thinking about him. I know my life is so much better without him and my future is so much brighter for him not being in it but I do have negative thoughts and they aren't pretty but, unlike him, I don't act on them I just keep looking forward.

Shoud I or Shouldn't I?

It's been a bit more then a year since the last time I saw my exNarc. He has attempted contacting friends, my partner and acquaintances telling them lies about me so that they sympathise with him. My friends have ignored him, my partner can't stand him and, frankly, I could care less about the acquaintances. If they mattered in my life they would be more then acquaintances and they can believe what they want to. The interesting bit is when an "acquaintance" finds a way of contacting me and tells me about how Mr. W gave her his number or told her how I made up the engagement between he and I or I was a controlling bitch and all about money and that they wanted me to know because I seemed like a nice person and shouldn't be treated like that.

Maybe I am all about money because the amount he took from me weighs heavily on me. At times I can't believe I believed him when he said he would pay me back. He was, and probably still is, a shopaholic so all money is like sand through a sieve. He's liar and always will be. Hindsight is 20/20 and looking back all things are so clear - it's when you are in the middle of the sh*t that you don't see a thing. When you are up to your neck in double talk and lies with nothing or anyone to fall back on because you are isolated it looks like there is no way out but there is and eventually I found it but the complete loss of my financial security was the price.

After all this time -  after I have my feet firmly back under me - with an amazing man at my side and solid future ahead - should I sue him for the money owed??? I know I could win as I have numerous emails where he states "I am not like other men and steal money from women - I pay back my debts and I hate taking money from a woman" over and over again as well as texts of his emotional and verbal abuse.

But do I want to be in the same room as this low class uneducated mug? Do I want to look at someone who is so far beneath me he isn't worth the oxygen he breathes? Do I want to bring back all the memories of his devaluation and discarding of me as a partner and woman?

OR

Should I just take it as the price paid for escaping an horrific abusive relationship with a psychopathic animal who worships the violence of Jack Bauer and would speak of shooting his colleagues with semi automatic machine guns and has a collection of over 50 sharpened knives both legal and illegal. Mr. W used to talk about shooting at his neighbour's children with high powered paintball guns and it used to make me shiver because he meant it.

I could always feel the anger simmering just below the surface. Anger at the world for not respecting him and the greatness that he has in him that no one recognises but his family and those that don't really know him. He would find anyone and anything to let loose at - if it wasn't his doctors for seeing through his prescription drug addiction it was his employer for seeing him as the sciver he was or it was getting back at an ex because she treated him as crappy and disrespectfully as he treated her and he hated that.

Thinking back I knew he wasn't right for me but I wasn't sure how to pull myself out of the situation. He never liked the things I truly liked or treated me like the partner I was. He never respected my opinion unless someone else was around for him to act as if he loved me or listened to my thoughts and actually heeded them. There are times he had to listen because he wasn't educated to a level to interpret the legal processes he was entering into. I had to water down everything so he could understand it and let it all sink in.

Should I sue him? Today I am of the mind not to but I can't guarantee what tomorrow brings.....