Sunday, 8 January 2012

The End

It's taken me awhile to come to this point. The point of being able to tell the ending. I will try to explain the emotional process I have gone through - still am in a way. After December 17, 2010 I was numb. On so many levels I was bereft of emotion. I felt empty and sad and alone but not deserted. I had my friends and though many had left me for the back and forth of my relationship with Mr. Wonderful a few had stood by me and it was one of these that stepped up and forced me to take the steps forward I needed to. Hard as it is to admit I was already emotionally detached and moving on so in a way I was only half grieving.

It was the week before Christmas and though I am Jewish all those around me were enjoying festivities and C did not want me wallowing so on Christmas day she came and got me and took me to her home where it was bright, warm and full of laughter. There was no way I couldn't smile. Gifts were given and food eaten. I was so so grateful and I hope she knew that because I can't remember if I told her how much that meant to me. C has been one of my pillars of strength. The other was a friend on FB. A man I will call B. He had made a cheeky remark on a mutual friend's page and then asked to be my friend. It turns out that he used to play on a team with Mr. Wonderful 20 years ago and knew him. He also remembered what a complete tool he was back then and after hearing what I was going through he commented that after all that time he hadn't changed much. B and I got to chatting online every night. His honest and no nonsense advice was necessary and needed. We grew close. I started speaking with him on the phone. After Mr. W dumped me we spoke often but I was afraid to see him in person because Mr. W was a vengeful cruel man and I didn't want him or any mutual friends caught in the crossfire. I removed mutual friends from my FB page so they weren't caught up in all the BS and those I considered more my friend then his I kept but warned them about what may happen.

As time went by I spoke with Mr. W's sister often as I felt she was still a friend. In truth I think I was keeping a thread of attachment because even at the worst of times I believe that there is good in people. That was and is my greatest weakness. I know now that in men like Mr. W there is no goodness just self gratifying narcissism. There were moments of utter pain and depression but I managed to keep going and being able to see my friends without worrying about not answering texts fast enough or accounting for my time was so freeing - for the first time in over a year I had a smile on my face and I felt secure in myself. January went on and I was chatting with B often. I was battered and bruised but I felt I could handle meeting another man but just not yet. February begins and I am wondering about Mr. W and his sister tells me things now and then but in the end I start to detach from her too realising that she is no better then her brother in so many ways and his enabler as well.

One day she calls me and says that Mr. W wants to talk to me and I wonder what he wants. I feel I am strong enough to listen so I say fine. He rings me and of course he says "I want to talk to you about things...."

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