Saturday, 21 July 2012

No Contact

As simple as it sounds NO CONTACT is one of the most difficult things to stick to at the end of any abusive relationship.

The initial meeting of an abuser is like becoming addicted to a drug - they lovebomb you with all that you may feel you need. Attention, affection, gifts, compliments, and time focused on you. As they do this they learn all they can in order to slowly but surely manipulate, control, isolate you mentally, emotionally and physically. Some are just emotional/mental abusers other resort to physical but almost always we feel helpless as somewhere along the road we have come to believe we need/want them so much we compromise ourselves and ignore our inner truths.

Because of how they do what they do trying to get rid of these animals is like going into rehab.

Unlike rehab where they sometimes give you drug substitutes and wean you off them over time a narcissistic/sociopathic relationship needs to end cold turkey.


There are many reasons for this but I found, in my experience, the more time he wasn't in my life the clearer my world became. I was able to think on my own and see, at times the first time, the patterns of behaviour that were so obvious to others but not to me. The controlling ways, the buttons he pushed, the maneuvering of my friends and family - all of this seemed to rise out of the fog of the relationship into the clarity of a new day.

The first day without my exN was so painful - physically painful - like a harpoon had impaled me straight through the sternum. I couldn't stop thinking of him; wondering where he was and who he was talking to; what HE was thinking of me if he was thinking of me at all. Never mind the fact that he cheated on me during our time together, lied to me, brought me to the brink of bankruptcy - after all that I still wanted him, no NEEDED him in my life.

That is all bull. The intensity of the relationship - the dramas - the ups and downs - created an endorphin like rush that we survive on throughout the relationship and when it is gone our body misses it - just like a junkie and heroine.

But with the proper mindset and support we can overcome the addiction that was the exN.

Believe me when I tell you it isn't easy and there are times you may go back and leave but in the end you can break free and need a normal life.

By employing NO CONTACT you put the past in the past. No phone, no email, no Facebook, no Twitter - NOTHING. Block the addresses, delete the profiles, change the mobile/cell numbers so the exN cannot in anyway get in touch with you and, even after a few days, you will probably feel a lightness of being. No being checked on, stalked, harassed, belittled and insulted - you can do, say or be whatever you like in anyway that you like.

It's not easy and the urge to wanting to KNOW the littlest thing is horrific but you have to fight it and fill your life with family and friends and hobbies and work and anything else. All the things and people that you lost while with the horror of your exN was in your life you can rebuild and take back.

Understandably some may have children or finances to straighten out after a narcissistic/sociopathic relationship. It is always best to go through a third party or just keep things to email and keep it all for records sake - they do so why shouldn't you.

Getting out of these relationships is probably one of the hardest things a person may do in their lives but getting on from one of these relationships is one of the greatest triumphs.


Missouri Beauty said...

I am seriously impressed! You really nailed the psychopathic victim experience! Well done post! Two thumbs up! I couldn't have said it better myself!

EnglishDragon said...

My exN was useless and I can only say looking forward without his and NO CONTACT was the only way. I am glad I could help in any way.