No More Rose Coloured Glasses

I am already an old hand at this situation - Being the target of the negativity, blamed for issues in the family, the transference of behaviours, the manipulation and the lies but my husband had no idea what was happening until we met.

My husband and I met and dated for at least 6 months before he took me home to meet his family. His disabled mum and his sister were there and at first all seemed sunshine and light. His mum was mostly chair-bound and his sister appeared all lovely and we had a few things in common but as time went by red flags started waving.

I watched as the sister made sure the house was run the way she wanted it. I listened while she demeaned and badgered their mum and belittled my husband and yet they both took it. Once she left the house both breathed a sigh of relief and smiled a happy smile at the brief reprieve of stress of walking on eggshells around the sister. This is when my counselling experience tuned in and my anxieties began to vibrate. Something obviously wasn't right and I had to find out what so I asked.

When the father left the home everyone pitied and coddled the little sister allowing her to behave and to act any way she wanted because they had to protect the poor little girl. Over time she learned how to turn and twist this and take advantage - she became a carbon copy of the mentally and emotionally abusive dad that she had become close to. As she grew up she continued the abuse where her father left off and created a home full of stress and anxiety and this is what I walked into and this is something I would not stand for.

After a few weekends at my then partner's home - he was his mum's full time carer so he lived in the home with her and the sister - I sat him down and simply explained what I had witnessed and that I wanted him to read up on Narcissistic Personality Disorder and/or Sociopath with Narcissistic tendencies. He was in a bit of denial but I left him to it and over a few weeks he realised what was going on and soon he broke down and broke free.

He stopped allowing his sister to control what happened with their mother and what went on in the house. He encourage his mum to take on the negativity and re-establish herself in her own home - I'll go into this in another post. My soon to be husband took off the rose coloured glasses and saw his world clearly for the first time in decades. He grew more confident in himself; he made more personal decisions related to creating his own life separate from taking care of his mum and being the house slave to his sister. In short he became an independent soul.

Believe me his sister was not happy - she lashed out and began her hate campaign against him. She tried again and again to pour poison in the disabled mum's ear manipulating her knowing her short term memory was very bad so her lies would stick if repeated over and over again. His sister went online and belittled him to complete strangers and vague acquaintances trying to garner pity and support for her suffering with such a horrible person taking care of her sweet mum. It was to obvious what she was doing but if you don't know that the narcissist is a narcissist then you just think you are dealing with a nice, caring, loving person but the truth is all those things are only there to bring people in - those attributes are not real - it's all a facade for the dark, evil emotional vampire that lies beneath. 

The Saga Continues Anew

So I have been lucky enough to find a man post Mr. Wonderful and five years on we are now married but we have had to move in with his mum and, you guessed it, his narcissistic sister. No she hasn't been diagnosed but all of the obvious signs are there - her desperate need for attention, her manipulation of family members, isolation of the disabled mum, the annihilation of her brother's, my husband's, reputation, the taking over of the mum's finances and controlling her care. The transference of behaviours and the crazy thinking and lies are all prevalent.  My husband was his mother's carer for 12 years and twice in the last 6 weeks she has gone to hospital and both time she almost died. The second time if it wasn't for his seeing early signs of problems she would have died at home but is now back in hospital but we have not access to her care decisions because I went and spoke directly with the social services responsible for assessing my mother in law and the sister didn't like it. Because the woman is extremely obese she has a huge list of issues physically and mentally - she is not of sound mind as she has no short term memory or even understands why she was in the hospital in the first place. The sister swans in at the end so everyone sees her as the devoted daughter but no one acknowledges my husband's long term dedication and care. The sister sits and for hours manipulates the mother knowing that mum has no clue really what is going on. Unfortunately the staff see her as of sound mind so don't acknowledge any of this.

As of two days ago the sister convinced the mum that by asking social services for a family meeting regarding a care package for when she comes home and discussion regarding nutrition I specifically was too aggressive and now the mum doesn't want anything to do with us. As far as we are concerned we are done with it all and have washed our hands of it. The sister has her own business where she is not home for weeks at a time so her involvement is ridiculous but we have decided that we will have nothing to do with anything going forward. The mother has sided with her precious daughter and we are leaving her with that decision.

Personally I can't even look at the sister's face but I know the best thing is to get gone and we will do that as soon as we can financially.