Oh the lies they tell....

It's interesting as I move further and further from the horror of my exN the things I hear and read that he says and does and how, after all that has been said and done, he still thinks that he matters in my life.

Some would say "well you are writing this blog" and I would agree in that this blog is so others can read and learn about my experiences and hopefully avoid what I went through. This blog is also about catharsis for me (Mr. Wonderful if you are reading this that means a cleansing of a sort). I can empty from my brain the crap I went through and, in a way, put it in a place that allows me to move on.

The Lies.

So many of them told throughout our time together:

HONESTY

"I am looking for an HONEST woman because that is what I am about" - I remember reading those words in his personal ad and thinking "wow that would be nice for once" but there was no honesty from him - his age, lied about it, when it came to his friends (lack thereof), his ability to pay back loans (never happened), where he was when he went out (seeing other females), he loved me (he only loved me as long as my bank account was full) and I was beautiful (only until my bank account was empty).

FAITHFULNESS

Non-existant - from the beginning he was a cheater. Trolling singles sites, asking close acquaintances to coffee, approaching close friends, telling women he really didn't love me so needed someone to confide in. Sadly this all happened around me and I missed it until others pointed it out and told me.

RESPECT

In simple words - there was none. He built a facade that appeared to be so amazing but proved to good to be true. At first he came across as open-minded, kind, considerate, humble - truth was he was racist, sexist, cruel to those he felt were beneath him, self centered and had an over inflated ego. If he was not the centre of your attention, and everyone else's, then he became angered and kept trying to keep your attention on him in good and bad ways.

Tiring it was all tiring -

To this day, over 18 months later, he tries to perpetuate the lies in his head he believes are true. Lies about my physical appearance, my interests, my hobbies, my past - he puts them out for the public to read and see - what I find amusing is that I am so detached from it all that all I see is a sad, sad small man who simply has no significance in anyone's life but his own.

I leave him to it. Gladly. 

Learnings over time....

So I am sitting here in a new flat and not telling anyone I don't trust my new address because if it got to my exN I have a feeling he would find a reason to contact me or leave "a message".

It's a bit over a year and looking back there are absolutes that I adhere to now because of my horrible ex.

1. I will speak what is on my mind. Without question my exN entered my life when I was vulnerable and I felt that by contradicting him I would lose him. Time after time he would use what is called negative reinforcement to connect my stating my opinion to his pushing me away. Please understand that he does not have the intelligence to know what he did at the time but the instinctual animal that he is knew how to make it work and it did.

Because of this manipulation I say what is on my mind - as tactfully as I can but I won't be silent when I am degraded, insulted or feel slighted. Never again.

2. I will be friends with whom I choose and they are as important as my partner is when it comes to balance in my life. My exN isolated me from my friends and family. He worked tirelessly to make sure people thought the worst of me or ruin time I spent with my family. He knew what he was doing and it makes me sick to think I was so caught up in his crap that I allowed it.

In my current relationship my partner respects and understands the need for personal time and the need for relationships with people outside the two of us. Bless him for that.

3. I will be more cautious as to whom I trust with my friendship and my heart. Having your life ripped from you and your emotions used against you is the worst betrayal and when it is done by someone who says they love you it makes it that so much worse.

My partner and I have been through similar experiences and we were cautious at first but have since gifted each other with 100% trust. It took work and proof and some stumbles but it is there and gets stronger each day.

4. Forgive but don't forget. This has been the hardest for me as it's been more about forgiving myself and looking in the mirror and knowing I am only human and I make mistakes. We all make mistakes.

I regret ever meeting my exN. I want that time back in my life but I have learned that I cannot dwell on that - to dwell on that is to bring back emotions and anger at the whole situation of his cheating, lying and stealing from me. Instead I work on forgiving myself for wanting to help what appeared to be a person in need and that I should not punish myself for being a good, caring, giving person as I am not the first to be fooled this way. Their facades are well built but horrific when they crack. I would like to say that I pity him but I don't pity the animal that I dated - he isn't human so pity would be wasted.

I will never forget what he did to me but I have learned and, I think, I have learned many lessons to take forward in my life.

5. First impressions are the truest impressions. When I first met with my exN I was not impressed with much more then his physical appearance. I had decided that after our first meeting that I wasn't all that interested but then came the bombardment of texts, calls, emails and compliments. All day and evenings he swept me off my feet so I responded ignoring my first impressions. Never again. Never ever again.

There are many things I have changed since the end of the horror that was this relationship and the fallout from it. Some of it still trickles in and lands on me but I wipe it off and keep walking forward. I have been blessed with a new partner who returns all I give to him with respect and honesty.

As time moves on and I get further and further from the time I spend with my exN I am finding myself getting stronger and knowing that I will never have that man in my life again gives me peace in mind, body, heart, and soul.