Holier Then Thou

"There used to be theories that deep down narcissists feel unworthy, but recent research doesn’t support this. Instead, it seems, the narcissist’s self-directed passion is deep and sincere.

His self-love is his most precious possession. It is the holy center of all that is sacred and right. He is hypersensitive about anybody who might splatter or disregard his greatness. If someone treats him slightingly, he perceives that as a deliberate and heinous attack. If someone threatens his reputation, he regards this as an act of blasphemy. He feels justified in punishing the attacker for this moral outrage.

And because he plays by different rules, and because so much is at stake, he can be uninhibited in response. Everyone gets angry when they feel their self-worth is threatened, but for the narcissist, revenge is a holy cause and a moral obligation, demanding overwhelming force."

Beliefnet Blog

The above describes that alter ego of my Narc - probably many others.

I always felt there was this simmering anger that sat just below the surface of his facade.

At a moments notice something would anger him and would be off on a tirade describing what he would do to whomever has wronged him given the chance.

He felt that his employer had treated him unfairly by putting him at a desk position in a department he didn't want to work in after an accident on the job. He had to be restricted to desk work and minimal movement to allow for proper healing of his leg as it had been injured. Instead of accepting this position and acknowledging its necessity he raged at his boss, at the establishment, at the injustice that was being done by wasting his amazing abilities to do his job properly. The reality had many sides - he felt he was "too good" for a desk job, he was having to work with his ex-wife who had proven to be better at the the job then he was and he just wasn't smart enough to pick up the computer skills for the new system so he made everyone's life a living hell. Including mine - everyday he would go on ad infinitum about how horrible his life was and they were all "out to get him" because he was so experienced and good at his job. The further truth was his facility was having to cut budget and as Mr. Wonderful refused to move on and upward (because he didn't have the skills to be a manager but he didn't say it) so they offered him alternative roles within the company that he flat out refused and decided he really didn't want to work after all so worked it out that they medically retire him. There is so much more but it just gets stupid after awhile.

What scared me was how he wished he could hide in the bushes outside the business and shoot dead his employer. He wanted to go into his place of work and with a machine gun kill everyone. Not a normal thinking person.

Then there is revenge on the "insane" ex that had the nerve to treat him as he treated her. She responded to his insanity with more of her own so they got caught up in a tornado of craziness but in the end the relationship ended. I was never sure how it ended but she had accused him of rape (later dropped the charges as many will do) and then took him to court to put a restraining order in place but too much had been mutual so it was denied.

For a year into our 18 month hell of a relationship Mr. W made it his mission to destroy his ex. He told me stories of how she beat her children, abused her horse, cheated and lied to him - it goes on and on. He also said how he did everything for her and respected her and loved her. As is his usual he proposed to her and she even got as far as getting the dress and the venue - poor thing. He used to tell me how her children would run to him for protection in fear from her and how she lied to the government in order to receive monetary support and benefits.

His mission was to strip her of her benefits and any support the government offered. He called the benefits hotline and sent them pictures of her dancing and riding to show her back was fine and she didn't need support. For a year he chased and chased until one day he got a text  from her and all it said was "U R scum!!" - he took that as proof he had succeeded and was ecstatic. It made me sick to my stomach.

There was one incident where the livery owner of a stable he had his horse kept took away the wheelbarrows for a petty reason and he did something to the owner of the stable and the next day the equipment was back. As this incident is illegal I can't go into details but let's just say that no sane person would have done what he did.

All of this was about people not treating him the way he felt he should be treated and his getting revenge. He always stated that he was the best at so many things and he never got the respect he deserved. I had to listen day after day how he know all about personal training and nutrition - he was never trained or certified and he has a permanent blood condition due to steroid abuse. He used to go on and on about what a great dancer he was but everytime I wanted to go dancing he would find an excuse to make it not happen - so many grandiose statements so many lies.

I am sure in his head everything is true and justified too bad the rest of us had to listen to it.

His sense of entitlement was unbelievably huge and the revenge he would exact if it wasn't recognised was scary and frankly put me in fear. A wall of knives,  paintball guns whose pressure was jacked up to harmful levels, BB guns and anger just waiting to explode - what a lovely man.

Not Human

As time passes on I look back at my Mr. Wonderful and slowly see the truth that in the truest sense of the word he was/is not "human".

There is no humanity in him - no empathy, no sympathy, no deeper emotions. The thing I spent my time with was a construct only created to bring me in and trap me. There was and is no real Mr. W as he is unable to be anything without people/women idolizing him. In order to obtain this ego "drug" he at first gives the appearance of actually listening to what you have to say. It's almost as if you think he cares enough but what he is hearing is all the ways he can control and manipulate you.

You used to be heavy and now you aren't but you have appearance issues - he will tell you you look lovely and amazing until the day he is bored with you then you are fat and need to lose weight and others are more attractive.

Men are threatened by your strong will - he will say he loves you as that strong woman until you disagree with him then you are a bitch and no wonder men leave you.

You attended a good university and have a higher degree - He says he can't believe what a smart woman he has in his life until you figure out his lies then you are condescending and arrogant thinking you know better.

He appears to have the same hobbies/likes as you but the truth is he actually is mimicking you with the hope this will quicken the bonding between you. My Mr. W wanted me because I was American and he said he wanted to live in America, marry an American be more more American. He always said he was born in the wrong country. When I stated I may want to move back to America he acted as if that was great because he wasn't all the concerned about his family and he would love to live there and get married there. When he did not produce a ring and he broke up with me he told people I went back to America and that he couldn't be that far from his family as he is so close to them so we broke up.

Mr W also had his horse but he only got the horse to impress a previous female. He also was previously into western linedancing, swing dancing, fell walking, scuba diving, and my favorite was bodybuilding. In all these things he would get to a certain level and then get no further or give it up because the relationship with the supply who actually enjoyed the hobby was gone or no one paid enough attention anymore to make continuing worth it. A Narc has no real ambition to truly accomplish something - to finish something means taking responsibility for something and owning up if he/she fails - something they simply can't do and also because it doesn't fill the need - the addiction.

I will never forget one night I was looking at Facebook and came across a friend of his sister's that had albums of her face on other female's bodies. He kept pushing then demanding that I click on her albums so he could see all the pictures. He was too stupid to realise none of it was real and wanted to view the albums while sitting next to me. Even after I explained that the images were fake he demanded that I show him the albums. When I said no and shut the laptop he rolled over putting his back to me and went to sleep like a petulant child. A half hour later my sister called to tell me she had breast cancer. I was sobbing at the news and without even turning over he patted me three times on the back and said I am sure she will be fine and that was it.

There is nothing real about a Narcissist. Nothing true nothing right - no real emotions no empathy no sympathy - it's all about feeding their needs and finding supply and using that supply up and moving on. As I have said previously they are emotional and mental vampires. No remorse. No regret.