Jealousy and Envy

Again and again it is said that Narcissists/Sociopaths are cold, distant animals but I think they thrive on the "hotter" emotions of anger, jealousy, and envy.

Whether consciously or unconsciously I believe that the N's search for supply that have the aspects that are missing within themselves. Intelligence, education, success, large group of friends, acceptance, respect - all these things that the N's can't secure or find for themselves they try to take from their supply - they systematically destroying those aspects they themselves can't have.

I found that within my relationship my N partner kept saying the reason he was with me was my intelligence, my beauty, my success and friends. That he couldn't wait to meet my friends, that he could help me expand my career and together we would build a life, he couldn't wait to meet my family and go to America.

Over time he alienated my friends by making disgusting remarks or hitting on them. He would try to push me into doing things that he then would take credit for so he would look better; he emptied my bank account with promises and wasted business ideas; constantly made comments regarding my weight, managed to always back out of our living together and never could seem to make it to visit my family

He kept wanting what I had then destroying it all. He could not handle the fact that though he, on the surface was so supportive, underneath it all he hated that I was the way I was. He hated that I had the friends, university education, had a life, a career, a good salary and was respected by those around me.

It took some time but I began to see the simmering below the surface. The digs over time - his comments "You think you know everything?" - taking what at first attracted him to me and twisting it because he left school at 15 and he feels people somehow know this and hold it against him. He holds it against himself.

I found from his sister that he kept discussing my bank account with her and how I wasn't sharing my money because, after all, we were to be married. He couldn't save or keep money before it was out the door on some crap - he quickly made sure he spent my money and repeatedly accused me of being only about money.

That's only a couple of examples but looking back it is now obvious at what was lacking in his life contributed to his empty soul. He had no friends of any worth, his debt was through the ceiling, he couldn't get ahead at work, and he was getting to old and women laughed at his comments and overtures so he was truly realising that he would be unsuccessful in getting a quality woman in his life or any sort of supply.

In the end his jealousy and envy surfaced as anger and hate revealing a truly ugly human being if he could have been called one. His lies were exposed and those he thought he could manipulate against me turned against him and he was left alone and having to cut ties with a large number of people with the excuse that I was poisoning his life.

He had no life to poison and I wasn't that interested enough to bother.

No Contact

As simple as it sounds NO CONTACT is one of the most difficult things to stick to at the end of any abusive relationship.

The initial meeting of an abuser is like becoming addicted to a drug - they lovebomb you with all that you may feel you need. Attention, affection, gifts, compliments, and time focused on you. As they do this they learn all they can in order to slowly but surely manipulate, control, isolate you mentally, emotionally and physically. Some are just emotional/mental abusers other resort to physical but almost always we feel helpless as somewhere along the road we have come to believe we need/want them so much we compromise ourselves and ignore our inner truths.

Because of how they do what they do trying to get rid of these animals is like going into rehab.

Unlike rehab where they sometimes give you drug substitutes and wean you off them over time a narcissistic/sociopathic relationship needs to end cold turkey.

NO CONTACT.

There are many reasons for this but I found, in my experience, the more time he wasn't in my life the clearer my world became. I was able to think on my own and see, at times the first time, the patterns of behaviour that were so obvious to others but not to me. The controlling ways, the buttons he pushed, the maneuvering of my friends and family - all of this seemed to rise out of the fog of the relationship into the clarity of a new day.

The first day without my exN was so painful - physically painful - like a harpoon had impaled me straight through the sternum. I couldn't stop thinking of him; wondering where he was and who he was talking to; what HE was thinking of me if he was thinking of me at all. Never mind the fact that he cheated on me during our time together, lied to me, brought me to the brink of bankruptcy - after all that I still wanted him, no NEEDED him in my life.

That is all bull. The intensity of the relationship - the dramas - the ups and downs - created an endorphin like rush that we survive on throughout the relationship and when it is gone our body misses it - just like a junkie and heroine.

But with the proper mindset and support we can overcome the addiction that was the exN.

Believe me when I tell you it isn't easy and there are times you may go back and leave but in the end you can break free and need a normal life.

By employing NO CONTACT you put the past in the past. No phone, no email, no Facebook, no Twitter - NOTHING. Block the addresses, delete the profiles, change the mobile/cell numbers so the exN cannot in anyway get in touch with you and, even after a few days, you will probably feel a lightness of being. No being checked on, stalked, harassed, belittled and insulted - you can do, say or be whatever you like in anyway that you like.

It's not easy and the urge to wanting to KNOW the littlest thing is horrific but you have to fight it and fill your life with family and friends and hobbies and work and anything else. All the things and people that you lost while with the horror of your exN was in your life you can rebuild and take back.

Understandably some may have children or finances to straighten out after a narcissistic/sociopathic relationship. It is always best to go through a third party or just keep things to email and keep it all for records sake - they do so why shouldn't you.

Getting out of these relationships is probably one of the hardest things a person may do in their lives but getting on from one of these relationships is one of the greatest triumphs.

Police!!!

Admittedly there are times I have wished for revenge - I have raged and wanted to find a way to get back at my exN but common sense always prevailed and I just kept to no contact.

There were moments of weakness though....

At the one year mark of his breaking up with me (not the later date of my removing him from my life) I decided that I wanted to warn women, especially American women, from the blight that is my ex. I found a website in the States that listed cheaters by name and with photos and as a long as what you told was the truth then they could not legally come back at you. Thinking this was a great thing I posted an abbreviated version of what had happened to me and details about my exN - his debt, addiction, abusive nature, his lies and how he operates. Though it was laden with typos as I listed it not knowing I couldn't go back to edit it, I was glad I had done it.

I had posted it the week before Christmas but it took the site until after Christmas to make it live and immediately it was ranking up views but no comments. (By the time it had been viewed 2 million times and rated by 2000 people as 5 star and avoid this man) That didn't bother me as long as people were being educated. Once the new year came around I thought to myself that it was a childish thing to do and was sinking to his immature level so I deactivated the account. What I didn't know was that even though I deactivated the account the posting was not deactivated so it remained for all to see.

Fast forward to about 7 weeks ago.

I get a message that says there have been comments on my posting. I thought this was strange as I had deactivated the account. Well much to my surprise my exN had found the posting and came back with a disgusting, profanity laden response that would have embarrassed anyone upon reading. To my surprise a complete stranger had responded to his comments and cut him down to the bone. He had, of course, said I was fat, disgusting, smelled, was nothing I had said I was - all lies and, as usual, just accusing me of what he had done - what was truly interesting, and my defender pointed out, is that he did not dispute one thing I had stated in my original posting!

He kept coming back to the woman on the site with comments and statements that she slashed through like a knife through butter. Every point she counterpointed and he eventually had no responses left and stated "I am not continuing because you are boring me now....". He was completely convinced it was me but I have kept to no contact.

In his responses he threatened to send a bomb to my home if I told him where I lived. I emailed the site and asked that they please remove the posting but save it for evidence. The removed it within a day.

About a week later the threats began....

First he texted me a message, again, filled with disgusting profanity accusing me of stalking, harassment etc. The usual stuff. Then he emailed my ex-husband trying to get him on his side as if they could be co-conspirators to pull me down. (He had done this with a previous ex) What my sick exN had not realised was that after over a decade of leading separate lives my former husband and I had pretty much reached a level of respect and let bygones be bygones. My ex husband basically told my exN to stop with the veiled threats against me and then my ex husband told me he thought that my exN was obviously nuts.

I decided I was not going to put up with this and called the police.

I went in with B and he listened while I told the police woman what had occurred and presented the evidence of the text and the printout of the email sent to my ex husband. The PC then stated she would ring my exN and then ring me back. I told her he would go on about how he believes I hacked his email account, his acquaintances accounts, his Facebook page, etc. I also said he can be very persuasive but she spoke of how she had been doing this a long time and not to worry. I wasn't to be honest but my exN is coward and vengeful and will not stand being slighted in any way.

I need to mention that I did not mention the cheater site thing because I felt it was in the past and had no relevance - so I thought.

A couple of hours after I made my statement the PC called me back and said she had spoken to him and that she could not get him off the phone. He tended to go off on tangents but she told me that he did mention everything I said he would and that apparently he had called Immigration stating that I was here illegally and making a report and that I had committed numerous offences. When the PC told him that he could make a report right then and there if he wanted against me my exN suddenly didn't have the time. He repeatedly stated that I needed to remove the cheater profile but I had already done that. The PC was pretty much disgusted with him but didn't say so directly.

She told my exN that if he contacted me again or made threats directly or indirectly he would be arrested.

I pity the ex before me because all his anger will now be focused on her.

So what started all this off? I think what had happened was he was chatting up a woman in the states and she Googled him and read the cheater profile and told him to go away hence he flew into a rage looking to get back at me. I can only guess at this but I am betting I am close to what happened because NO ONE stops my exN from closing in on new supply.

I have to say I can only hope that I kept one woman from having to fall victim to my ex before removing the profile.

Oh the lies they tell....

It's interesting as I move further and further from the horror of my exN the things I hear and read that he says and does and how, after all that has been said and done, he still thinks that he matters in my life.

Some would say "well you are writing this blog" and I would agree in that this blog is so others can read and learn about my experiences and hopefully avoid what I went through. This blog is also about catharsis for me (Mr. Wonderful if you are reading this that means a cleansing of a sort). I can empty from my brain the crap I went through and, in a way, put it in a place that allows me to move on.

The Lies.

So many of them told throughout our time together:

HONESTY

"I am looking for an HONEST woman because that is what I am about" - I remember reading those words in his personal ad and thinking "wow that would be nice for once" but there was no honesty from him - his age, lied about it, when it came to his friends (lack thereof), his ability to pay back loans (never happened), where he was when he went out (seeing other females), he loved me (he only loved me as long as my bank account was full) and I was beautiful (only until my bank account was empty).

FAITHFULNESS

Non-existant - from the beginning he was a cheater. Trolling singles sites, asking close acquaintances to coffee, approaching close friends, telling women he really didn't love me so needed someone to confide in. Sadly this all happened around me and I missed it until others pointed it out and told me.

RESPECT

In simple words - there was none. He built a facade that appeared to be so amazing but proved to good to be true. At first he came across as open-minded, kind, considerate, humble - truth was he was racist, sexist, cruel to those he felt were beneath him, self centered and had an over inflated ego. If he was not the centre of your attention, and everyone else's, then he became angered and kept trying to keep your attention on him in good and bad ways.

Tiring it was all tiring -

To this day, over 18 months later, he tries to perpetuate the lies in his head he believes are true. Lies about my physical appearance, my interests, my hobbies, my past - he puts them out for the public to read and see - what I find amusing is that I am so detached from it all that all I see is a sad, sad small man who simply has no significance in anyone's life but his own.

I leave him to it. Gladly. 

Patterns

Recently a post on a group I am part of sparked in me all the patterns in his behaviour I discovered over time. 

Hindsight is 20/20 and it is definitely so clear when you have the distance and detachment.

Let's start with the term "insane ex" = apparently all his ex's were labeled "insane" or "cheaters" or "liars" or all three or a combination of any description he thought would elicit a reaction of the supply he was hunting.

At this moment I am the insane ex - he has told everyone that I am controlling, money hungry, and I stalked him. I haven't spoken to him in over a year but that was what he was telling others according to a woman I ran into from our old livery yard. While we were together his recent long term ex was nuts. According to him she tried to run him down in a car, cut up his underwear and left it on his doorstep and she paid for a place to get married and picked out a dress.(He spent a year reporting her to the Benefits Fraud team to make sure she "paid" for what she did to him - after I dumped him he chased her up like a rabid dog) His ex before her was his ex wife and she, apparently, chose her kids over him and she was "too stupid" to fill out her own job application and if it wasn't for him she wouldn't have her current job. The woman before her was on and off for eight years as he repeatedly cheated on her and he couldn't figure out why she took care of his dying mother but then never spoke to him again. 

He was engaged SEVEN times prior to me - he was 50 years old and managed to get engaged all those times and only get married once. I figured out he only got married because his mum died and he felt he needed, for a minute, to grow up and have a family. Of course since his maturity is that of a pre-adolescent teenager that lasted all of about 5 minutes. He used engagement as a way to keep his supply - he figured out with his limited intelligence that women who think they are getting married will pretty much give up anything in the name of being in "love" with their future husband. Reality is that he never intended on marrying any female just sucking them dry of emotional and mental well-being and any financial resources they had because he was a cheater and a liar after all.

He could never keep his stories straight. As time went on he told lies to cover lies. He told me he caught one of his exes with another man, a black man, hence he constantly made comments about how she was a disgusting female (as he is a racist). One day he made this comment about how gorgeous she was and he would love to see her again (attempting to upset me) and I reminded him of what she did and he said that she never did that and that he broke up with her because she was a slob. He also lied to cover up his cheating - once he told me he was out shopping for stable supplies and had to drive some distance but a few days later he said he had to go back to the tyre store to get his tyres checked like he did the other day - I said I thought he had gone to get feed for his horse and he said that he had done that weeks ago.

There were also the times that if I contradicted him he would degrade me. Anytime I had my own opinion he would listen then turn around a bit later in the day and make a decision on whatever we discussed stating he knew best. If I disagreed I got told I was either controlling or jealous or I had to lose weight. There were other esteem ripping comments but I seemed to have blocked them at the moment.

My favorite pattern was the use of the silent treatment. If I said or did anything he didn't like he would not answer his phone or door. I went into London to visit with a female friend and have dinner. I left my phone in my handbag so as not to disturb us - when I got out of the restaurant I noticed he had texted me multiple times and called me numerous times. When I went to ring him back he refused to answer the phone. This would happen at anytime he felt he was losing control of me or my actions. Toward the end of things I frankly was happy to not have to deal with him for a night.

All of these behaviours and actions were used to isolate me and degrade me to the point that he was the centre of my universe. We did what he wanted to do when he wanted and that was that. As I do not drive in the UK I relied on him to sometimes run errands I needed and he saw this as a way of doing me a favour that later he would throw back at me.

What it all comes down to is that he isn't really human in the emotional/mental sense of things. I think of him as an instinctual animal that hunts only to supply himself with ego boosting hormones that he can only get from females. When he is done he moves on and as he has no ability to care what he has left behind the females are left devastated. I don't even pity him as he has never felt anything for me.

Transference/Projection

There are so many definitions for this word across so many disciplines - to me transference or projection means when someone accuses you or suspects you of things they themselves have done or will eventually do.

Mr. W accused of lying, cheating, being all about money, possessiveness, jealousy and controlling

Cheating and Lying. These are the two things my Mr. W said he would not tolerated in any relationship.

What did he do the most? Cheated and lied.

I came to the conclusion that if he was breathing he was lying but I will save that for another post.

I had lost count how many times the exN would say or do things and it felt that he was reading my mind but then all it was was his saying what he knew to be true.

One incident was when I found out that he had no less then FIVE mobile phones and he turned to me and said "I bet you think I call other women on these phones" of course I assured him that I did not - truth was at the time I was still in the trusting phase so it didn't occur to me YET to think that but the TRUTH was that he was contacting other females on those phones.

When it came to cheating he was the king of it all. Of course he would make up some stupid lie thinking he had gotten something over on me but reality was I just added it to the long list that drove me further away from him.

My favorite actually happened after he had D & D'd me. It was 2 months after he had thrown my keys back at me and after I agreed to a trial to see if he had changed at all. A week into it all I was at work on a Monday and I knew he had the day off so on my break I called him - both on his mobile and his home phone. No answer. I called again a half hour later and then again 45 minutes later. You would think this was nagging but once the trust is gone you just roll with it. I called on and off for hours when around half past 5 in the evening I get a text that states "Stupid neighbours woke me up" - as if I was supposed to believe he had been sleeping when I know darn well the house phone has an extension that rings in the bedroom next to his HEAD. That was the exact moment of my awakening to the fact that I was over him and he was nothing more then the stuff I scrape off my boot after cleaning out a horse stall. I waited till the weekend and I dumped him.

To top it all off was the time he told me had snuck onto the field of an NFL game played here in the UK. He told me how he got a fake press pass and he was on the field with the pros - blah blah blah. Well I came to find out that he stole that story from none other then B!!! The reason I know B is telling the truth is because he has pictures of himself, NOT Mr. W,  there on the sideline.

When it came to accusing me of cheating he was ahead of the curve. Everytime I was out of his sight he would send rude horrible emails calling me disgusting names and tell me how I was cheating on him. Even if I told him exactly where I was going and with who he didn't believe me. What's so interesting is that I never cheated on him but he was cheating on me and it was as if he accused me of it then it validated what he was doing.

He actually accused me of cheating with a friend of mine of 30 years who I hadn't seen since childhood while he was on Facebook having cybersex with a female he had only added 3 days before. When I confronted him he wanted me to apologise to her for sending her a message to get the hell away from my partner. He had multiple females around during our relationship. He would say he wanted a night in  and he was tired so I would get my butt in a cab or take a bus over and sit on the wall across from his flat and watch skanky females go in and leave.

My favourite is when he said he had removed a certain female from his life only to find out that 8 months later he was still talking and calling her but lying to me about it.

He also asked out a close acquaitance of mine for coffee and when she rejected him and confronted him about his being in a relationship he turned around and started a hate campaign against her to keep me from having further contact and finding out the truth.

Never could he hold on to a penny and once he saw that I had savings he found ways of pushing buttons and getting his hands on my money. Supposedly we were to be married so his promises of paying me back and together we will buy a home, etc. sounded plausible but I was under his thumb and lost so he took and took and never paid me back but yet I was the one all about money. To this day I find this amusing as, in the end, I had none!

Over time he managed to work things so I saw my friends less, monopolised my time and thoughts and controlled what I wore and where I went. If I was out he called many, many time; if I said I was somewhere he would quiz me; if I told him something about a friend he would belittle them and say horrible things about them hinting they said things about me to him in confidence.

Reality was he was the one that could not be trusted - turned off his phone when he was out; lied about where he was and who he was with and got angry and indignant when I asked about who he had seen.

What is comes down to it he felt he needed to give as good as he got so if he convinced himself that I was lying and cheating, spending money, and controlling his behaviour then it was ok to do it to me. Only problem is I never did any of those things - maybe that was my problem.

Those things he did...

You know it takes time to forget and it takes time to remember - here are a few of the twisted things he did while together that I figured out as time went by. Some were immediate and other not so much. Read carefully because one or two are hard to follow as they are as twisted as his mind was.

My Mr. Wonderful (not) had a horse and we both rode. One of my closest friend had a nine year old daughter who was partially deaf and loved horses. He offered to have them come and ride his horse which I thought was nice. They came to the yard and both my friend and her daughter had a ride and loved it. A few weeks later the Narc broke up with me for some reason I can't remember now and within days he then messaged MY friend and said if she and her daughter wanted to come up for another ride that would be great with a little smiley face. Now my friend had been in an abusive relationship in her past and didn't feel that this invitation was normal so she never replied but told me about it. After he begged me to take him back - as they do - I confronted him about approaching my friend and he said he was just being nice for the "deaf kid" and he doesn't like "blondes that smoke" then he had his sister - who enabled his sick ways - call me and tell me he had no intention of hitting on my friend he was only being nice - YEAH RIGHT - both my friend and I knew exactly what he was up to ---- jerk....

Another incident I recently remembered was one with a friend he considered his closest buddy.

Mr. W had a friend M. M had been friends with him for ages. At one point they worked together but M had gotten Mr. W fired, along with himself, for stealing. M was also a prescription drug abuser and seller of steroids and various other things. He lived off the government and was also and alcoholic on top of it all. Mr. Wonderful was the godfather to M's daughter who was a trampy looking blonde who would have been attractive if she dressed better and wore less make up. She was 18 at the time of this incident.

Mr. W would constantly accuse me of being jealous of any female that talked to him I wasn't jealous just disgusted by his behaviour around women. It made me nauseous to listen to and watch. One day we were at the yard taking care of his horse - well I was taking care of his horse as his goddaughter and her skanky boyfriend were visiting. Mr. W put his arm around his god daughter and attempted to make me look like an idiot thinking I would respond with irritation but all I did was walk up and say hello and get on with feeding his horse and cleaning out the stable. It happens I got along well with M and his goddaughter and I think that made Mr. W angry as he was used to isolating me and depicting me as controlling and always jealous. As the months went by M and I got to know each other and though I did not agree with his lifestyle he always treated me with respect.

One day Mr. W shows up at my flat and says "Can you call M because my goddaughter showed up at the yard in heels with her boyfriend playing loud music and the owner had a go at me so can you call M and explain why my goddaughter can't go back?" - now I thought this was a strange request but I figured M and I were friends and I could explain things. Well I called M and got a profanity laden tirade screamed at me over the phone of how I was not going to break up his and Mr. W's friendship and I was a c**t and bitch, etc. I hung up and was mortified and Mr. W was right there and didn't seem bothered. I told him he needed to call M and tell him to apologise. It never happened and for months afterwards he never did anything. I later found out from the sister - who wasn't supposed to say this to me - that apparently M thought I had accused Mr. W of wanting to sleep with his goddaughter.  The only way M would have thought that is if Mr. W had told him that and the ONLY reason Mr. W would have told him that would be to isolate me further. I was disgusted and only then realising to what lengths Mr. W would go to to keep me from getting to know his friends.

One of the other things I recently remembered was a small but significant thing - Mr. W got these emails from a female every few days. They were just joke emails but at one point she checked in with him and asked him how he was and if he was seeing anyone. He never responded that he was in a relationship - I know this because he told me he never told her. I told him he should tell her and he said "Why? It makes no difference..."

Looking back it really did make no difference - to HIM - because he really wasn't in our relationship at all - he was in a world of his own making and in that world he could be with, talk to and lie to as many females as he wanted....it truly did make no difference..

None at all.