Transference/Projection

There are so many definitions for this word across so many disciplines - to me transference or projection means when someone accuses you or suspects you of things they themselves have done or will eventually do.

Mr. W accused of lying, cheating, being all about money, possessiveness, jealousy and controlling

Cheating and Lying. These are the two things my Mr. W said he would not tolerated in any relationship.

What did he do the most? Cheated and lied.

I came to the conclusion that if he was breathing he was lying but I will save that for another post.

I had lost count how many times the exN would say or do things and it felt that he was reading my mind but then all it was was his saying what he knew to be true.

One incident was when I found out that he had no less then FIVE mobile phones and he turned to me and said "I bet you think I call other women on these phones" of course I assured him that I did not - truth was at the time I was still in the trusting phase so it didn't occur to me YET to think that but the TRUTH was that he was contacting other females on those phones.

When it came to cheating he was the king of it all. Of course he would make up some stupid lie thinking he had gotten something over on me but reality was I just added it to the long list that drove me further away from him.

My favorite actually happened after he had D & D'd me. It was 2 months after he had thrown my keys back at me and after I agreed to a trial to see if he had changed at all. A week into it all I was at work on a Monday and I knew he had the day off so on my break I called him - both on his mobile and his home phone. No answer. I called again a half hour later and then again 45 minutes later. You would think this was nagging but once the trust is gone you just roll with it. I called on and off for hours when around half past 5 in the evening I get a text that states "Stupid neighbours woke me up" - as if I was supposed to believe he had been sleeping when I know darn well the house phone has an extension that rings in the bedroom next to his HEAD. That was the exact moment of my awakening to the fact that I was over him and he was nothing more then the stuff I scrape off my boot after cleaning out a horse stall. I waited till the weekend and I dumped him.

To top it all off was the time he told me had snuck onto the field of an NFL game played here in the UK. He told me how he got a fake press pass and he was on the field with the pros - blah blah blah. Well I came to find out that he stole that story from none other then B!!! The reason I know B is telling the truth is because he has pictures of himself, NOT Mr. W,  there on the sideline.

When it came to accusing me of cheating he was ahead of the curve. Everytime I was out of his sight he would send rude horrible emails calling me disgusting names and tell me how I was cheating on him. Even if I told him exactly where I was going and with who he didn't believe me. What's so interesting is that I never cheated on him but he was cheating on me and it was as if he accused me of it then it validated what he was doing.

He actually accused me of cheating with a friend of mine of 30 years who I hadn't seen since childhood while he was on Facebook having cybersex with a female he had only added 3 days before. When I confronted him he wanted me to apologise to her for sending her a message to get the hell away from my partner. He had multiple females around during our relationship. He would say he wanted a night in  and he was tired so I would get my butt in a cab or take a bus over and sit on the wall across from his flat and watch skanky females go in and leave.

My favourite is when he said he had removed a certain female from his life only to find out that 8 months later he was still talking and calling her but lying to me about it.

He also asked out a close acquaitance of mine for coffee and when she rejected him and confronted him about his being in a relationship he turned around and started a hate campaign against her to keep me from having further contact and finding out the truth.

Never could he hold on to a penny and once he saw that I had savings he found ways of pushing buttons and getting his hands on my money. Supposedly we were to be married so his promises of paying me back and together we will buy a home, etc. sounded plausible but I was under his thumb and lost so he took and took and never paid me back but yet I was the one all about money. To this day I find this amusing as, in the end, I had none!

Over time he managed to work things so I saw my friends less, monopolised my time and thoughts and controlled what I wore and where I went. If I was out he called many, many time; if I said I was somewhere he would quiz me; if I told him something about a friend he would belittle them and say horrible things about them hinting they said things about me to him in confidence.

Reality was he was the one that could not be trusted - turned off his phone when he was out; lied about where he was and who he was with and got angry and indignant when I asked about who he had seen.

What is comes down to it he felt he needed to give as good as he got so if he convinced himself that I was lying and cheating, spending money, and controlling his behaviour then it was ok to do it to me. Only problem is I never did any of those things - maybe that was my problem.

Those things he did...

You know it takes time to forget and it takes time to remember - here are a few of the twisted things he did while together that I figured out as time went by. Some were immediate and other not so much. Read carefully because one or two are hard to follow as they are as twisted as his mind was.

My Mr. Wonderful (not) had a horse and we both rode. One of my closest friend had a nine year old daughter who was partially deaf and loved horses. He offered to have them come and ride his horse which I thought was nice. They came to the yard and both my friend and her daughter had a ride and loved it. A few weeks later the Narc broke up with me for some reason I can't remember now and within days he then messaged MY friend and said if she and her daughter wanted to come up for another ride that would be great with a little smiley face. Now my friend had been in an abusive relationship in her past and didn't feel that this invitation was normal so she never replied but told me about it. After he begged me to take him back - as they do - I confronted him about approaching my friend and he said he was just being nice for the "deaf kid" and he doesn't like "blondes that smoke" then he had his sister - who enabled his sick ways - call me and tell me he had no intention of hitting on my friend he was only being nice - YEAH RIGHT - both my friend and I knew exactly what he was up to ---- jerk....

Another incident I recently remembered was one with a friend he considered his closest buddy.

Mr. W had a friend M. M had been friends with him for ages. At one point they worked together but M had gotten Mr. W fired, along with himself, for stealing. M was also a prescription drug abuser and seller of steroids and various other things. He lived off the government and was also and alcoholic on top of it all. Mr. Wonderful was the godfather to M's daughter who was a trampy looking blonde who would have been attractive if she dressed better and wore less make up. She was 18 at the time of this incident.

Mr. W would constantly accuse me of being jealous of any female that talked to him I wasn't jealous just disgusted by his behaviour around women. It made me nauseous to listen to and watch. One day we were at the yard taking care of his horse - well I was taking care of his horse as his goddaughter and her skanky boyfriend were visiting. Mr. W put his arm around his god daughter and attempted to make me look like an idiot thinking I would respond with irritation but all I did was walk up and say hello and get on with feeding his horse and cleaning out the stable. It happens I got along well with M and his goddaughter and I think that made Mr. W angry as he was used to isolating me and depicting me as controlling and always jealous. As the months went by M and I got to know each other and though I did not agree with his lifestyle he always treated me with respect.

One day Mr. W shows up at my flat and says "Can you call M because my goddaughter showed up at the yard in heels with her boyfriend playing loud music and the owner had a go at me so can you call M and explain why my goddaughter can't go back?" - now I thought this was a strange request but I figured M and I were friends and I could explain things. Well I called M and got a profanity laden tirade screamed at me over the phone of how I was not going to break up his and Mr. W's friendship and I was a c**t and bitch, etc. I hung up and was mortified and Mr. W was right there and didn't seem bothered. I told him he needed to call M and tell him to apologise. It never happened and for months afterwards he never did anything. I later found out from the sister - who wasn't supposed to say this to me - that apparently M thought I had accused Mr. W of wanting to sleep with his goddaughter.  The only way M would have thought that is if Mr. W had told him that and the ONLY reason Mr. W would have told him that would be to isolate me further. I was disgusted and only then realising to what lengths Mr. W would go to to keep me from getting to know his friends.

One of the other things I recently remembered was a small but significant thing - Mr. W got these emails from a female every few days. They were just joke emails but at one point she checked in with him and asked him how he was and if he was seeing anyone. He never responded that he was in a relationship - I know this because he told me he never told her. I told him he should tell her and he said "Why? It makes no difference..."

Looking back it really did make no difference - to HIM - because he really wasn't in our relationship at all - he was in a world of his own making and in that world he could be with, talk to and lie to as many females as he wanted....it truly did make no difference..

None at all.