No More Rose Coloured Glasses

I am already an old hand at this situation - Being the target of the negativity, blamed for issues in the family, the transference of behaviours, the manipulation and the lies but my husband had no idea what was happening until we met.

My husband and I met and dated for at least 6 months before he took me home to meet his family. His disabled mum and his sister were there and at first all seemed sunshine and light. His mum was mostly chair-bound and his sister appeared all lovely and we had a few things in common but as time went by red flags started waving.

I watched as the sister made sure the house was run the way she wanted it. I listened while she demeaned and badgered their mum and belittled my husband and yet they both took it. Once she left the house both breathed a sigh of relief and smiled a happy smile at the brief reprieve of stress of walking on eggshells around the sister. This is when my counselling experience tuned in and my anxieties began to vibrate. Something obviously wasn't right and I had to find out what so I asked.

When the father left the home everyone pitied and coddled the little sister allowing her to behave and to act any way she wanted because they had to protect the poor little girl. Over time she learned how to turn and twist this and take advantage - she became a carbon copy of the mentally and emotionally abusive dad that she had become close to. As she grew up she continued the abuse where her father left off and created a home full of stress and anxiety and this is what I walked into and this is something I would not stand for.

After a few weekends at my then partner's home - he was his mum's full time carer so he lived in the home with her and the sister - I sat him down and simply explained what I had witnessed and that I wanted him to read up on Narcissistic Personality Disorder and/or Sociopath with Narcissistic tendencies. He was in a bit of denial but I left him to it and over a few weeks he realised what was going on and soon he broke down and broke free.

He stopped allowing his sister to control what happened with their mother and what went on in the house. He encourage his mum to take on the negativity and re-establish herself in her own home - I'll go into this in another post. My soon to be husband took off the rose coloured glasses and saw his world clearly for the first time in decades. He grew more confident in himself; he made more personal decisions related to creating his own life separate from taking care of his mum and being the house slave to his sister. In short he became an independent soul.

Believe me his sister was not happy - she lashed out and began her hate campaign against him. She tried again and again to pour poison in the disabled mum's ear manipulating her knowing her short term memory was very bad so her lies would stick if repeated over and over again. His sister went online and belittled him to complete strangers and vague acquaintances trying to garner pity and support for her suffering with such a horrible person taking care of her sweet mum. It was to obvious what she was doing but if you don't know that the narcissist is a narcissist then you just think you are dealing with a nice, caring, loving person but the truth is all those things are only there to bring people in - those attributes are not real - it's all a facade for the dark, evil emotional vampire that lies beneath. 

The Saga Continues Anew

So I have been lucky enough to find a man post Mr. Wonderful and five years on we are now married but we have had to move in with his mum and, you guessed it, his narcissistic sister. No she hasn't been diagnosed but all of the obvious signs are there - her desperate need for attention, her manipulation of family members, isolation of the disabled mum, the annihilation of her brother's, my husband's, reputation, the taking over of the mum's finances and controlling her care. The transference of behaviours and the crazy thinking and lies are all prevalent.  My husband was his mother's carer for 12 years and twice in the last 6 weeks she has gone to hospital and both time she almost died. The second time if it wasn't for his seeing early signs of problems she would have died at home but is now back in hospital but we have not access to her care decisions because I went and spoke directly with the social services responsible for assessing my mother in law and the sister didn't like it. Because the woman is extremely obese she has a huge list of issues physically and mentally - she is not of sound mind as she has no short term memory or even understands why she was in the hospital in the first place. The sister swans in at the end so everyone sees her as the devoted daughter but no one acknowledges my husband's long term dedication and care. The sister sits and for hours manipulates the mother knowing that mum has no clue really what is going on. Unfortunately the staff see her as of sound mind so don't acknowledge any of this.

As of two days ago the sister convinced the mum that by asking social services for a family meeting regarding a care package for when she comes home and discussion regarding nutrition I specifically was too aggressive and now the mum doesn't want anything to do with us. As far as we are concerned we are done with it all and have washed our hands of it. The sister has her own business where she is not home for weeks at a time so her involvement is ridiculous but we have decided that we will have nothing to do with anything going forward. The mother has sided with her precious daughter and we are leaving her with that decision.

Personally I can't even look at the sister's face but I know the best thing is to get gone and we will do that as soon as we can financially. 

PTSD - Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

A lot of people associate PTSD with serving in the military and what happens after being in a warzone and the trauma of facing the reality of being involved in such conflicts.

PTSD is not just about the military - as defined by the PTSD Center in the US -

Posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD) can occur after you have been through a traumatic event. A traumatic event is something terrible and scary that you see, hear about, or that happens to you

During a traumatic event, you think that your life or others' lives are in danger. You may feel afraid or feel that you have no control over what is happening around you. Most people have some stress-related reactions after a traumatic event; but, not everyone gets PTSD. If your reactions don't go away over time and they disrupt your life, you may have PTSD.

How does PTSD develop?

Most people who go through a trauma have some symptoms at the beginning. Only some will develop PTSD over time. It isn't clear why some people develop PTSD and others don't.
Whether or not you get PTSD depends on many things:

• How intense the trauma was or how long it lasted
• If you were injured or lost someone important to you
• How close you were to the event
• How strong your reaction was
• How much you felt in control of events
• How much help and support you got after the event

What are the symptoms of PTSD?

PTSD symptoms usually start soon after the traumatic event, but they may not appear until months or years later. They also may come and go over many years. If the symptoms last longer than 4 weeks, cause you great distress, or interfere with your work or home life, you might have PTSD.
There are four types of symptoms of PTSD:

1. Reliving the event (also called re-experiencing symptoms)
You may have bad memories or nightmares. You even may feel like you're going through the event again. This is called a flashback.

2. Avoiding situations that remind you of the event
You may try to avoid situations or people that trigger memories of the traumatic event. You may even avoid talking or thinking about the event.

3. Feeling numb
You may find it hard to express your feelings. Or, you may not be interested in activities you used to enjoy. This is another way to avoid memories.

4. Feeling keyed up (also called hyperarousal)
You may be jittery, or always alert and on the lookout for danger. This is known as hyperarousal.

What other problems do people with PTSD experience?

People with PTSD may also have other problems. These include:

• Feelings of hopelessness, shame, or despair
• Depression or anxiety
• Drinking or drug problems
• Physical symptoms or chronic pain
• Employment problems
• Relationship problems, including divorce

In many cases, treatments for PTSD will also help these other problems, because they are often related. The coping skills you learn in treatment can work for PTSD and these related problems.

I never imagined that I would ever experience anything like this but I have and I only have to thank my exN for it.

Because of how a Narcissist/Sociopath/Psychopath completely drowns their victims with emotions there is a good possibility that a person bombed by a Narcissist will not know what hit them.

Personally I had no idea that my exN wasn't normal - I just thought I had met someone that was caught up in how he felt and wanted me more then anything - I thought it was refreshing to have someone so open and honest with their feelings that it never occurred to me that moving quickly was a bad thing. Well it was.

At first I wasn't sure what was wrong with me. I was out of the horror that was the relationship and though he left me almost emotionally and monetarily bankrupt I was free of the lies, accusations, insults and comments. So why every night did I relive it all in my mind? Over and over again.

Then there was going to places we had been. I had chosen to move closer to my exN because I needed to move to a cheaper place but I also wanted to help out my partner as he kept complaining about how much the petrol cost to come see me as I did not have a car. The cost to come to him by train wasn't cheap either but I never complained. I moved to the same town he lived in and for the almost 2 years we were together we spent a lot of time there. After he D&D'd me I found it hard to walk into town. I would get nauseous and shake. I was constantly looking around thinking he would be there and I would have to see him. Once I was actually physically ill.

Part of what was happening was because in my relationship with my exN I was never in control. The entirety of our relationship roller coaster was under his control. We did what he wanted when he wanted only when he wanted to do whatever it was. If we saw each other it was up to him - if we went out it was because we went places we could only go to by car - he controlled the entire ebb and flow of our time together. I never intended to give up any of that control but somehow it happened.

There are so many little things, and big things, that happened but the most important thing was seeing a professional and surrounding myself with the people that supported me through it all and believed that just because I didn't have bruises and broken bones that I still was a victim of abuse.

Taking the steps forward and finding a mental health professional that understands your symptoms and what you have been through is so important. If you meet with someone that doesn't understand Narcissistic Personality Disorder/Sociopathy then leave and find that professional that does know how to give you the tools you need to become the strong confident person you were before and can be again.

It's all about looking the past in the eye and understanding what happened, working through what remains and taking back the strength and control you had before and can have again.

Jealousy and Envy

Again and again it is said that Narcissists/Sociopaths are cold, distant animals but I think they thrive on the "hotter" emotions of anger, jealousy, and envy.

Whether consciously or unconsciously I believe that the N's search for supply that have the aspects that are missing within themselves. Intelligence, education, success, large group of friends, acceptance, respect - all these things that the N's can't secure or find for themselves they try to take from their supply - they systematically destroying those aspects they themselves can't have.

I found that within my relationship my N partner kept saying the reason he was with me was my intelligence, my beauty, my success and friends. That he couldn't wait to meet my friends, that he could help me expand my career and together we would build a life, he couldn't wait to meet my family and go to America.

Over time he alienated my friends by making disgusting remarks or hitting on them. He would try to push me into doing things that he then would take credit for so he would look better; he emptied my bank account with promises and wasted business ideas; constantly made comments regarding my weight, managed to always back out of our living together and never could seem to make it to visit my family

He kept wanting what I had then destroying it all. He could not handle the fact that though he, on the surface was so supportive, underneath it all he hated that I was the way I was. He hated that I had the friends, university education, had a life, a career, a good salary and was respected by those around me.

It took some time but I began to see the simmering below the surface. The digs over time - his comments "You think you know everything?" - taking what at first attracted him to me and twisting it because he left school at 15 and he feels people somehow know this and hold it against him. He holds it against himself.

I found from his sister that he kept discussing my bank account with her and how I wasn't sharing my money because, after all, we were to be married. He couldn't save or keep money before it was out the door on some crap - he quickly made sure he spent my money and repeatedly accused me of being only about money.

That's only a couple of examples but looking back it is now obvious at what was lacking in his life contributed to his empty soul. He had no friends of any worth, his debt was through the ceiling, he couldn't get ahead at work, and he was getting to old and women laughed at his comments and overtures so he was truly realising that he would be unsuccessful in getting a quality woman in his life or any sort of supply.

In the end his jealousy and envy surfaced as anger and hate revealing a truly ugly human being if he could have been called one. His lies were exposed and those he thought he could manipulate against me turned against him and he was left alone and having to cut ties with a large number of people with the excuse that I was poisoning his life.

He had no life to poison and I wasn't that interested enough to bother.

No Contact

As simple as it sounds NO CONTACT is one of the most difficult things to stick to at the end of any abusive relationship.

The initial meeting of an abuser is like becoming addicted to a drug - they lovebomb you with all that you may feel you need. Attention, affection, gifts, compliments, and time focused on you. As they do this they learn all they can in order to slowly but surely manipulate, control, isolate you mentally, emotionally and physically. Some are just emotional/mental abusers other resort to physical but almost always we feel helpless as somewhere along the road we have come to believe we need/want them so much we compromise ourselves and ignore our inner truths.

Because of how they do what they do trying to get rid of these animals is like going into rehab.

Unlike rehab where they sometimes give you drug substitutes and wean you off them over time a narcissistic/sociopathic relationship needs to end cold turkey.

NO CONTACT.

There are many reasons for this but I found, in my experience, the more time he wasn't in my life the clearer my world became. I was able to think on my own and see, at times the first time, the patterns of behaviour that were so obvious to others but not to me. The controlling ways, the buttons he pushed, the maneuvering of my friends and family - all of this seemed to rise out of the fog of the relationship into the clarity of a new day.

The first day without my exN was so painful - physically painful - like a harpoon had impaled me straight through the sternum. I couldn't stop thinking of him; wondering where he was and who he was talking to; what HE was thinking of me if he was thinking of me at all. Never mind the fact that he cheated on me during our time together, lied to me, brought me to the brink of bankruptcy - after all that I still wanted him, no NEEDED him in my life.

That is all bull. The intensity of the relationship - the dramas - the ups and downs - created an endorphin like rush that we survive on throughout the relationship and when it is gone our body misses it - just like a junkie and heroine.

But with the proper mindset and support we can overcome the addiction that was the exN.

Believe me when I tell you it isn't easy and there are times you may go back and leave but in the end you can break free and need a normal life.

By employing NO CONTACT you put the past in the past. No phone, no email, no Facebook, no Twitter - NOTHING. Block the addresses, delete the profiles, change the mobile/cell numbers so the exN cannot in anyway get in touch with you and, even after a few days, you will probably feel a lightness of being. No being checked on, stalked, harassed, belittled and insulted - you can do, say or be whatever you like in anyway that you like.

It's not easy and the urge to wanting to KNOW the littlest thing is horrific but you have to fight it and fill your life with family and friends and hobbies and work and anything else. All the things and people that you lost while with the horror of your exN was in your life you can rebuild and take back.

Understandably some may have children or finances to straighten out after a narcissistic/sociopathic relationship. It is always best to go through a third party or just keep things to email and keep it all for records sake - they do so why shouldn't you.

Getting out of these relationships is probably one of the hardest things a person may do in their lives but getting on from one of these relationships is one of the greatest triumphs.

Police!!!

Admittedly there are times I have wished for revenge - I have raged and wanted to find a way to get back at my exN but common sense always prevailed and I just kept to no contact.

There were moments of weakness though....

At the one year mark of his breaking up with me (not the later date of my removing him from my life) I decided that I wanted to warn women, especially American women, from the blight that is my ex. I found a website in the States that listed cheaters by name and with photos and as a long as what you told was the truth then they could not legally come back at you. Thinking this was a great thing I posted an abbreviated version of what had happened to me and details about my exN - his debt, addiction, abusive nature, his lies and how he operates. Though it was laden with typos as I listed it not knowing I couldn't go back to edit it, I was glad I had done it.

I had posted it the week before Christmas but it took the site until after Christmas to make it live and immediately it was ranking up views but no comments. (By the time it had been viewed 2 million times and rated by 2000 people as 5 star and avoid this man) That didn't bother me as long as people were being educated. Once the new year came around I thought to myself that it was a childish thing to do and was sinking to his immature level so I deactivated the account. What I didn't know was that even though I deactivated the account the posting was not deactivated so it remained for all to see.

Fast forward to about 7 weeks ago.

I get a message that says there have been comments on my posting. I thought this was strange as I had deactivated the account. Well much to my surprise my exN had found the posting and came back with a disgusting, profanity laden response that would have embarrassed anyone upon reading. To my surprise a complete stranger had responded to his comments and cut him down to the bone. He had, of course, said I was fat, disgusting, smelled, was nothing I had said I was - all lies and, as usual, just accusing me of what he had done - what was truly interesting, and my defender pointed out, is that he did not dispute one thing I had stated in my original posting!

He kept coming back to the woman on the site with comments and statements that she slashed through like a knife through butter. Every point she counterpointed and he eventually had no responses left and stated "I am not continuing because you are boring me now....". He was completely convinced it was me but I have kept to no contact.

In his responses he threatened to send a bomb to my home if I told him where I lived. I emailed the site and asked that they please remove the posting but save it for evidence. The removed it within a day.

About a week later the threats began....

First he texted me a message, again, filled with disgusting profanity accusing me of stalking, harassment etc. The usual stuff. Then he emailed my ex-husband trying to get him on his side as if they could be co-conspirators to pull me down. (He had done this with a previous ex) What my sick exN had not realised was that after over a decade of leading separate lives my former husband and I had pretty much reached a level of respect and let bygones be bygones. My ex husband basically told my exN to stop with the veiled threats against me and then my ex husband told me he thought that my exN was obviously nuts.

I decided I was not going to put up with this and called the police.

I went in with B and he listened while I told the police woman what had occurred and presented the evidence of the text and the printout of the email sent to my ex husband. The PC then stated she would ring my exN and then ring me back. I told her he would go on about how he believes I hacked his email account, his acquaintances accounts, his Facebook page, etc. I also said he can be very persuasive but she spoke of how she had been doing this a long time and not to worry. I wasn't to be honest but my exN is coward and vengeful and will not stand being slighted in any way.

I need to mention that I did not mention the cheater site thing because I felt it was in the past and had no relevance - so I thought.

A couple of hours after I made my statement the PC called me back and said she had spoken to him and that she could not get him off the phone. He tended to go off on tangents but she told me that he did mention everything I said he would and that apparently he had called Immigration stating that I was here illegally and making a report and that I had committed numerous offences. When the PC told him that he could make a report right then and there if he wanted against me my exN suddenly didn't have the time. He repeatedly stated that I needed to remove the cheater profile but I had already done that. The PC was pretty much disgusted with him but didn't say so directly.

She told my exN that if he contacted me again or made threats directly or indirectly he would be arrested.

I pity the ex before me because all his anger will now be focused on her.

So what started all this off? I think what had happened was he was chatting up a woman in the states and she Googled him and read the cheater profile and told him to go away hence he flew into a rage looking to get back at me. I can only guess at this but I am betting I am close to what happened because NO ONE stops my exN from closing in on new supply.

I have to say I can only hope that I kept one woman from having to fall victim to my ex before removing the profile.

Oh the lies they tell....

It's interesting as I move further and further from the horror of my exN the things I hear and read that he says and does and how, after all that has been said and done, he still thinks that he matters in my life.

Some would say "well you are writing this blog" and I would agree in that this blog is so others can read and learn about my experiences and hopefully avoid what I went through. This blog is also about catharsis for me (Mr. Wonderful if you are reading this that means a cleansing of a sort). I can empty from my brain the crap I went through and, in a way, put it in a place that allows me to move on.

The Lies.

So many of them told throughout our time together:

HONESTY

"I am looking for an HONEST woman because that is what I am about" - I remember reading those words in his personal ad and thinking "wow that would be nice for once" but there was no honesty from him - his age, lied about it, when it came to his friends (lack thereof), his ability to pay back loans (never happened), where he was when he went out (seeing other females), he loved me (he only loved me as long as my bank account was full) and I was beautiful (only until my bank account was empty).

FAITHFULNESS

Non-existant - from the beginning he was a cheater. Trolling singles sites, asking close acquaintances to coffee, approaching close friends, telling women he really didn't love me so needed someone to confide in. Sadly this all happened around me and I missed it until others pointed it out and told me.

RESPECT

In simple words - there was none. He built a facade that appeared to be so amazing but proved to good to be true. At first he came across as open-minded, kind, considerate, humble - truth was he was racist, sexist, cruel to those he felt were beneath him, self centered and had an over inflated ego. If he was not the centre of your attention, and everyone else's, then he became angered and kept trying to keep your attention on him in good and bad ways.

Tiring it was all tiring -

To this day, over 18 months later, he tries to perpetuate the lies in his head he believes are true. Lies about my physical appearance, my interests, my hobbies, my past - he puts them out for the public to read and see - what I find amusing is that I am so detached from it all that all I see is a sad, sad small man who simply has no significance in anyone's life but his own.

I leave him to it. Gladly. 

Learnings over time....

So I am sitting here in a new flat and not telling anyone I don't trust my new address because if it got to my exN I have a feeling he would find a reason to contact me or leave "a message".

It's a bit over a year and looking back there are absolutes that I adhere to now because of my horrible ex.

1. I will speak what is on my mind. Without question my exN entered my life when I was vulnerable and I felt that by contradicting him I would lose him. Time after time he would use what is called negative reinforcement to connect my stating my opinion to his pushing me away. Please understand that he does not have the intelligence to know what he did at the time but the instinctual animal that he is knew how to make it work and it did.

Because of this manipulation I say what is on my mind - as tactfully as I can but I won't be silent when I am degraded, insulted or feel slighted. Never again.

2. I will be friends with whom I choose and they are as important as my partner is when it comes to balance in my life. My exN isolated me from my friends and family. He worked tirelessly to make sure people thought the worst of me or ruin time I spent with my family. He knew what he was doing and it makes me sick to think I was so caught up in his crap that I allowed it.

In my current relationship my partner respects and understands the need for personal time and the need for relationships with people outside the two of us. Bless him for that.

3. I will be more cautious as to whom I trust with my friendship and my heart. Having your life ripped from you and your emotions used against you is the worst betrayal and when it is done by someone who says they love you it makes it that so much worse.

My partner and I have been through similar experiences and we were cautious at first but have since gifted each other with 100% trust. It took work and proof and some stumbles but it is there and gets stronger each day.

4. Forgive but don't forget. This has been the hardest for me as it's been more about forgiving myself and looking in the mirror and knowing I am only human and I make mistakes. We all make mistakes.

I regret ever meeting my exN. I want that time back in my life but I have learned that I cannot dwell on that - to dwell on that is to bring back emotions and anger at the whole situation of his cheating, lying and stealing from me. Instead I work on forgiving myself for wanting to help what appeared to be a person in need and that I should not punish myself for being a good, caring, giving person as I am not the first to be fooled this way. Their facades are well built but horrific when they crack. I would like to say that I pity him but I don't pity the animal that I dated - he isn't human so pity would be wasted.

I will never forget what he did to me but I have learned and, I think, I have learned many lessons to take forward in my life.

5. First impressions are the truest impressions. When I first met with my exN I was not impressed with much more then his physical appearance. I had decided that after our first meeting that I wasn't all that interested but then came the bombardment of texts, calls, emails and compliments. All day and evenings he swept me off my feet so I responded ignoring my first impressions. Never again. Never ever again.

There are many things I have changed since the end of the horror that was this relationship and the fallout from it. Some of it still trickles in and lands on me but I wipe it off and keep walking forward. I have been blessed with a new partner who returns all I give to him with respect and honesty.

As time moves on and I get further and further from the time I spend with my exN I am finding myself getting stronger and knowing that I will never have that man in my life again gives me peace in mind, body, heart, and soul.

Good Days and Bad Days

Today is a good day.

In fact I have had SO SO many good days. I have a good job with a great company, a partner that loves and supports me, and moving to a new flat back with my wonderful friends in my favorite part of the country so it is all good.

But

Some days are bad days.

Days where I rage inside at the poison I let into my life that makes me second guess my own beliefs. Not only beliefs in myself but how I look at and treat others and I HATE that I think like I do.

There are times when I want to hurt the poison that was my ex - I want to do all the things to him he threatened to do to people that he felt wronged him and then see how he feels about it all.

How silly of me....."see how he feels"

That's the most ridiculous thing to say because he DOESN'T FEEL. That's what gets me on the bad days - I know that I have left no lasting impression on my low class uneducated lacking in intelligence ex. I can only guess but I would bet money that he has moved on thinking that he took all my money and all my self esteem and he got away with it. I would bet that he thinks that he won some game when the truth is

I WIN

I don't have a man in my life that belittles me, cheats on me, lies to me, (and everyone else including his family), steals from me, and makes claims of being a real man when there is nothing real about him.

Bless my current partner - he is a real man - he stands beside me and supports me in my life, my dreams and my needs - together we are a couple not Overseer and slave - emotionally that is.

I WIN because I am myself and I am happy - something that he will never be because all he is is false - he has no sense of self because he has no sense of anything other then the things he owns and the women he mentally, emotionally and fiscally abuses.

Today is a good day because I am centered and focused and doing things for myself.

Today is a good day because I am helping others by writing this blog and hoping other victims of the horror that is NPD.

Today is a good day because my partner called and told me he loves me.

Often I hear people say that I should forgive and forget. I forgive nothing I forget nothing.

I trust that there is a higher power and what goes around will come around.

Today is a good day.

Holier Then Thou

"There used to be theories that deep down narcissists feel unworthy, but recent research doesn’t support this. Instead, it seems, the narcissist’s self-directed passion is deep and sincere.

His self-love is his most precious possession. It is the holy center of all that is sacred and right. He is hypersensitive about anybody who might splatter or disregard his greatness. If someone treats him slightingly, he perceives that as a deliberate and heinous attack. If someone threatens his reputation, he regards this as an act of blasphemy. He feels justified in punishing the attacker for this moral outrage.

And because he plays by different rules, and because so much is at stake, he can be uninhibited in response. Everyone gets angry when they feel their self-worth is threatened, but for the narcissist, revenge is a holy cause and a moral obligation, demanding overwhelming force."

Beliefnet Blog

The above describes that alter ego of my Narc - probably many others.

I always felt there was this simmering anger that sat just below the surface of his facade.

At a moments notice something would anger him and would be off on a tirade describing what he would do to whomever has wronged him given the chance.

He felt that his employer had treated him unfairly by putting him at a desk position in a department he didn't want to work in after an accident on the job. He had to be restricted to desk work and minimal movement to allow for proper healing of his leg as it had been injured. Instead of accepting this position and acknowledging its necessity he raged at his boss, at the establishment, at the injustice that was being done by wasting his amazing abilities to do his job properly. The reality had many sides - he felt he was "too good" for a desk job, he was having to work with his ex-wife who had proven to be better at the the job then he was and he just wasn't smart enough to pick up the computer skills for the new system so he made everyone's life a living hell. Including mine - everyday he would go on ad infinitum about how horrible his life was and they were all "out to get him" because he was so experienced and good at his job. The further truth was his facility was having to cut budget and as Mr. Wonderful refused to move on and upward (because he didn't have the skills to be a manager but he didn't say it) so they offered him alternative roles within the company that he flat out refused and decided he really didn't want to work after all so worked it out that they medically retire him. There is so much more but it just gets stupid after awhile.

What scared me was how he wished he could hide in the bushes outside the business and shoot dead his employer. He wanted to go into his place of work and with a machine gun kill everyone. Not a normal thinking person.

Then there is revenge on the "insane" ex that had the nerve to treat him as he treated her. She responded to his insanity with more of her own so they got caught up in a tornado of craziness but in the end the relationship ended. I was never sure how it ended but she had accused him of rape (later dropped the charges as many will do) and then took him to court to put a restraining order in place but too much had been mutual so it was denied.

For a year into our 18 month hell of a relationship Mr. W made it his mission to destroy his ex. He told me stories of how she beat her children, abused her horse, cheated and lied to him - it goes on and on. He also said how he did everything for her and respected her and loved her. As is his usual he proposed to her and she even got as far as getting the dress and the venue - poor thing. He used to tell me how her children would run to him for protection in fear from her and how she lied to the government in order to receive monetary support and benefits.

His mission was to strip her of her benefits and any support the government offered. He called the benefits hotline and sent them pictures of her dancing and riding to show her back was fine and she didn't need support. For a year he chased and chased until one day he got a text  from her and all it said was "U R scum!!" - he took that as proof he had succeeded and was ecstatic. It made me sick to my stomach.

There was one incident where the livery owner of a stable he had his horse kept took away the wheelbarrows for a petty reason and he did something to the owner of the stable and the next day the equipment was back. As this incident is illegal I can't go into details but let's just say that no sane person would have done what he did.

All of this was about people not treating him the way he felt he should be treated and his getting revenge. He always stated that he was the best at so many things and he never got the respect he deserved. I had to listen day after day how he know all about personal training and nutrition - he was never trained or certified and he has a permanent blood condition due to steroid abuse. He used to go on and on about what a great dancer he was but everytime I wanted to go dancing he would find an excuse to make it not happen - so many grandiose statements so many lies.

I am sure in his head everything is true and justified too bad the rest of us had to listen to it.

His sense of entitlement was unbelievably huge and the revenge he would exact if it wasn't recognised was scary and frankly put me in fear. A wall of knives,  paintball guns whose pressure was jacked up to harmful levels, BB guns and anger just waiting to explode - what a lovely man.

Not Human

As time passes on I look back at my Mr. Wonderful and slowly see the truth that in the truest sense of the word he was/is not "human".

There is no humanity in him - no empathy, no sympathy, no deeper emotions. The thing I spent my time with was a construct only created to bring me in and trap me. There was and is no real Mr. W as he is unable to be anything without people/women idolizing him. In order to obtain this ego "drug" he at first gives the appearance of actually listening to what you have to say. It's almost as if you think he cares enough but what he is hearing is all the ways he can control and manipulate you.

You used to be heavy and now you aren't but you have appearance issues - he will tell you you look lovely and amazing until the day he is bored with you then you are fat and need to lose weight and others are more attractive.

Men are threatened by your strong will - he will say he loves you as that strong woman until you disagree with him then you are a bitch and no wonder men leave you.

You attended a good university and have a higher degree - He says he can't believe what a smart woman he has in his life until you figure out his lies then you are condescending and arrogant thinking you know better.

He appears to have the same hobbies/likes as you but the truth is he actually is mimicking you with the hope this will quicken the bonding between you. My Mr. W wanted me because I was American and he said he wanted to live in America, marry an American be more more American. He always said he was born in the wrong country. When I stated I may want to move back to America he acted as if that was great because he wasn't all the concerned about his family and he would love to live there and get married there. When he did not produce a ring and he broke up with me he told people I went back to America and that he couldn't be that far from his family as he is so close to them so we broke up.

Mr W also had his horse but he only got the horse to impress a previous female. He also was previously into western linedancing, swing dancing, fell walking, scuba diving, and my favorite was bodybuilding. In all these things he would get to a certain level and then get no further or give it up because the relationship with the supply who actually enjoyed the hobby was gone or no one paid enough attention anymore to make continuing worth it. A Narc has no real ambition to truly accomplish something - to finish something means taking responsibility for something and owning up if he/she fails - something they simply can't do and also because it doesn't fill the need - the addiction.

I will never forget one night I was looking at Facebook and came across a friend of his sister's that had albums of her face on other female's bodies. He kept pushing then demanding that I click on her albums so he could see all the pictures. He was too stupid to realise none of it was real and wanted to view the albums while sitting next to me. Even after I explained that the images were fake he demanded that I show him the albums. When I said no and shut the laptop he rolled over putting his back to me and went to sleep like a petulant child. A half hour later my sister called to tell me she had breast cancer. I was sobbing at the news and without even turning over he patted me three times on the back and said I am sure she will be fine and that was it.

There is nothing real about a Narcissist. Nothing true nothing right - no real emotions no empathy no sympathy - it's all about feeding their needs and finding supply and using that supply up and moving on. As I have said previously they are emotional and mental vampires. No remorse. No regret. 

Patterns

Recently a post on a group I am part of sparked in me all the patterns in his behaviour I discovered over time. 

Hindsight is 20/20 and it is definitely so clear when you have the distance and detachment.

Let's start with the term "insane ex" = apparently all his ex's were labeled "insane" or "cheaters" or "liars" or all three or a combination of any description he thought would elicit a reaction of the supply he was hunting.

At this moment I am the insane ex - he has told everyone that I am controlling, money hungry, and I stalked him. I haven't spoken to him in over a year but that was what he was telling others according to a woman I ran into from our old livery yard. While we were together his recent long term ex was nuts. According to him she tried to run him down in a car, cut up his underwear and left it on his doorstep and she paid for a place to get married and picked out a dress.(He spent a year reporting her to the Benefits Fraud team to make sure she "paid" for what she did to him - after I dumped him he chased her up like a rabid dog) His ex before her was his ex wife and she, apparently, chose her kids over him and she was "too stupid" to fill out her own job application and if it wasn't for him she wouldn't have her current job. The woman before her was on and off for eight years as he repeatedly cheated on her and he couldn't figure out why she took care of his dying mother but then never spoke to him again. 

He was engaged SEVEN times prior to me - he was 50 years old and managed to get engaged all those times and only get married once. I figured out he only got married because his mum died and he felt he needed, for a minute, to grow up and have a family. Of course since his maturity is that of a pre-adolescent teenager that lasted all of about 5 minutes. He used engagement as a way to keep his supply - he figured out with his limited intelligence that women who think they are getting married will pretty much give up anything in the name of being in "love" with their future husband. Reality is that he never intended on marrying any female just sucking them dry of emotional and mental well-being and any financial resources they had because he was a cheater and a liar after all.

He could never keep his stories straight. As time went on he told lies to cover lies. He told me he caught one of his exes with another man, a black man, hence he constantly made comments about how she was a disgusting female (as he is a racist). One day he made this comment about how gorgeous she was and he would love to see her again (attempting to upset me) and I reminded him of what she did and he said that she never did that and that he broke up with her because she was a slob. He also lied to cover up his cheating - once he told me he was out shopping for stable supplies and had to drive some distance but a few days later he said he had to go back to the tyre store to get his tyres checked like he did the other day - I said I thought he had gone to get feed for his horse and he said that he had done that weeks ago.

There were also the times that if I contradicted him he would degrade me. Anytime I had my own opinion he would listen then turn around a bit later in the day and make a decision on whatever we discussed stating he knew best. If I disagreed I got told I was either controlling or jealous or I had to lose weight. There were other esteem ripping comments but I seemed to have blocked them at the moment.

My favorite pattern was the use of the silent treatment. If I said or did anything he didn't like he would not answer his phone or door. I went into London to visit with a female friend and have dinner. I left my phone in my handbag so as not to disturb us - when I got out of the restaurant I noticed he had texted me multiple times and called me numerous times. When I went to ring him back he refused to answer the phone. This would happen at anytime he felt he was losing control of me or my actions. Toward the end of things I frankly was happy to not have to deal with him for a night.

All of these behaviours and actions were used to isolate me and degrade me to the point that he was the centre of my universe. We did what he wanted to do when he wanted and that was that. As I do not drive in the UK I relied on him to sometimes run errands I needed and he saw this as a way of doing me a favour that later he would throw back at me.

What it all comes down to is that he isn't really human in the emotional/mental sense of things. I think of him as an instinctual animal that hunts only to supply himself with ego boosting hormones that he can only get from females. When he is done he moves on and as he has no ability to care what he has left behind the females are left devastated. I don't even pity him as he has never felt anything for me.

Transference/Projection

There are so many definitions for this word across so many disciplines - to me transference or projection means when someone accuses you or suspects you of things they themselves have done or will eventually do.

Mr. W accused of lying, cheating, being all about money, possessiveness, jealousy and controlling

Cheating and Lying. These are the two things my Mr. W said he would not tolerated in any relationship.

What did he do the most? Cheated and lied.

I came to the conclusion that if he was breathing he was lying but I will save that for another post.

I had lost count how many times the exN would say or do things and it felt that he was reading my mind but then all it was was his saying what he knew to be true.

One incident was when I found out that he had no less then FIVE mobile phones and he turned to me and said "I bet you think I call other women on these phones" of course I assured him that I did not - truth was at the time I was still in the trusting phase so it didn't occur to me YET to think that but the TRUTH was that he was contacting other females on those phones.

When it came to cheating he was the king of it all. Of course he would make up some stupid lie thinking he had gotten something over on me but reality was I just added it to the long list that drove me further away from him.

My favorite actually happened after he had D & D'd me. It was 2 months after he had thrown my keys back at me and after I agreed to a trial to see if he had changed at all. A week into it all I was at work on a Monday and I knew he had the day off so on my break I called him - both on his mobile and his home phone. No answer. I called again a half hour later and then again 45 minutes later. You would think this was nagging but once the trust is gone you just roll with it. I called on and off for hours when around half past 5 in the evening I get a text that states "Stupid neighbours woke me up" - as if I was supposed to believe he had been sleeping when I know darn well the house phone has an extension that rings in the bedroom next to his HEAD. That was the exact moment of my awakening to the fact that I was over him and he was nothing more then the stuff I scrape off my boot after cleaning out a horse stall. I waited till the weekend and I dumped him.

To top it all off was the time he told me had snuck onto the field of an NFL game played here in the UK. He told me how he got a fake press pass and he was on the field with the pros - blah blah blah. Well I came to find out that he stole that story from none other then B!!! The reason I know B is telling the truth is because he has pictures of himself, NOT Mr. W,  there on the sideline.

When it came to accusing me of cheating he was ahead of the curve. Everytime I was out of his sight he would send rude horrible emails calling me disgusting names and tell me how I was cheating on him. Even if I told him exactly where I was going and with who he didn't believe me. What's so interesting is that I never cheated on him but he was cheating on me and it was as if he accused me of it then it validated what he was doing.

He actually accused me of cheating with a friend of mine of 30 years who I hadn't seen since childhood while he was on Facebook having cybersex with a female he had only added 3 days before. When I confronted him he wanted me to apologise to her for sending her a message to get the hell away from my partner. He had multiple females around during our relationship. He would say he wanted a night in  and he was tired so I would get my butt in a cab or take a bus over and sit on the wall across from his flat and watch skanky females go in and leave.

My favourite is when he said he had removed a certain female from his life only to find out that 8 months later he was still talking and calling her but lying to me about it.

He also asked out a close acquaitance of mine for coffee and when she rejected him and confronted him about his being in a relationship he turned around and started a hate campaign against her to keep me from having further contact and finding out the truth.

Never could he hold on to a penny and once he saw that I had savings he found ways of pushing buttons and getting his hands on my money. Supposedly we were to be married so his promises of paying me back and together we will buy a home, etc. sounded plausible but I was under his thumb and lost so he took and took and never paid me back but yet I was the one all about money. To this day I find this amusing as, in the end, I had none!

Over time he managed to work things so I saw my friends less, monopolised my time and thoughts and controlled what I wore and where I went. If I was out he called many, many time; if I said I was somewhere he would quiz me; if I told him something about a friend he would belittle them and say horrible things about them hinting they said things about me to him in confidence.

Reality was he was the one that could not be trusted - turned off his phone when he was out; lied about where he was and who he was with and got angry and indignant when I asked about who he had seen.

What is comes down to it he felt he needed to give as good as he got so if he convinced himself that I was lying and cheating, spending money, and controlling his behaviour then it was ok to do it to me. Only problem is I never did any of those things - maybe that was my problem.

Those things he did...

You know it takes time to forget and it takes time to remember - here are a few of the twisted things he did while together that I figured out as time went by. Some were immediate and other not so much. Read carefully because one or two are hard to follow as they are as twisted as his mind was.

My Mr. Wonderful (not) had a horse and we both rode. One of my closest friend had a nine year old daughter who was partially deaf and loved horses. He offered to have them come and ride his horse which I thought was nice. They came to the yard and both my friend and her daughter had a ride and loved it. A few weeks later the Narc broke up with me for some reason I can't remember now and within days he then messaged MY friend and said if she and her daughter wanted to come up for another ride that would be great with a little smiley face. Now my friend had been in an abusive relationship in her past and didn't feel that this invitation was normal so she never replied but told me about it. After he begged me to take him back - as they do - I confronted him about approaching my friend and he said he was just being nice for the "deaf kid" and he doesn't like "blondes that smoke" then he had his sister - who enabled his sick ways - call me and tell me he had no intention of hitting on my friend he was only being nice - YEAH RIGHT - both my friend and I knew exactly what he was up to ---- jerk....

Another incident I recently remembered was one with a friend he considered his closest buddy.

Mr. W had a friend M. M had been friends with him for ages. At one point they worked together but M had gotten Mr. W fired, along with himself, for stealing. M was also a prescription drug abuser and seller of steroids and various other things. He lived off the government and was also and alcoholic on top of it all. Mr. Wonderful was the godfather to M's daughter who was a trampy looking blonde who would have been attractive if she dressed better and wore less make up. She was 18 at the time of this incident.

Mr. W would constantly accuse me of being jealous of any female that talked to him I wasn't jealous just disgusted by his behaviour around women. It made me nauseous to listen to and watch. One day we were at the yard taking care of his horse - well I was taking care of his horse as his goddaughter and her skanky boyfriend were visiting. Mr. W put his arm around his god daughter and attempted to make me look like an idiot thinking I would respond with irritation but all I did was walk up and say hello and get on with feeding his horse and cleaning out the stable. It happens I got along well with M and his goddaughter and I think that made Mr. W angry as he was used to isolating me and depicting me as controlling and always jealous. As the months went by M and I got to know each other and though I did not agree with his lifestyle he always treated me with respect.

One day Mr. W shows up at my flat and says "Can you call M because my goddaughter showed up at the yard in heels with her boyfriend playing loud music and the owner had a go at me so can you call M and explain why my goddaughter can't go back?" - now I thought this was a strange request but I figured M and I were friends and I could explain things. Well I called M and got a profanity laden tirade screamed at me over the phone of how I was not going to break up his and Mr. W's friendship and I was a c**t and bitch, etc. I hung up and was mortified and Mr. W was right there and didn't seem bothered. I told him he needed to call M and tell him to apologise. It never happened and for months afterwards he never did anything. I later found out from the sister - who wasn't supposed to say this to me - that apparently M thought I had accused Mr. W of wanting to sleep with his goddaughter.  The only way M would have thought that is if Mr. W had told him that and the ONLY reason Mr. W would have told him that would be to isolate me further. I was disgusted and only then realising to what lengths Mr. W would go to to keep me from getting to know his friends.

One of the other things I recently remembered was a small but significant thing - Mr. W got these emails from a female every few days. They were just joke emails but at one point she checked in with him and asked him how he was and if he was seeing anyone. He never responded that he was in a relationship - I know this because he told me he never told her. I told him he should tell her and he said "Why? It makes no difference..."

Looking back it really did make no difference - to HIM - because he really wasn't in our relationship at all - he was in a world of his own making and in that world he could be with, talk to and lie to as many females as he wanted....it truly did make no difference..

None at all.

Cognitive Dissonance

Cognitive Dissonance - the constant replaying of things in your mind of things your psychopath/narcissist said to you, made you feel, did to you during your past or ongoing relationship.

I can only try to describe the hours lost night after night to the theatre in my head that replayed all the things I only wanted to forget and leave behind of Mr. Wonderful and his abusive ways.

The good, the bad, and the ugly showing continuously over and over again behind my eyes making me feel that anger, shame, helplessness I felt the first time those situations happened.

- the first time he lied to me about no longer having contact with his exes - Was I not enough that he had to keep contact with the exes even the "insane" ones?

- Catching him trolling single sites and his twisting it around to my snooping on his computer when he's the one who left his email open on the screen and said I could check my own email account - Feeling anger at the betrayal but the insecurity that he may be ending our relationship.

- "I am only being honest hun, you need to lose some weight but only because I worry for your health" comment made day after day after day. This said a year after we met and his original happiness at meeting a "real woman" and not the "skinny things you can't hug" - feeling shame that I wasn't attractive enough even though I had lost over 80 pounds to get where I was and before I met him I was happy with how I looked.

- "Only real men borrow money from women and don't pay it back" after he took multiple thousands of pounds and swore by my living with him before we get married I wouldn't have to pay a thing hence I would get all my money back - off course this never happened - anger at myself for believing him, shame at allowing him to take all my savings and introducing him to my family and then nothing every happening.

- Watching him text other women and then either being told lies or not told at all in regards to who he was texting right in front of me - depressed and tired of the fight to have an open and honest relationship.

Just of few of the hundreds of scenarios that kept me awake night after night after night. A year on this only happens once in awhile but when it happens I rage in my head and think of things I would love to do back to him and make him hurt like he hurt me; effect his life like what he did effected mine. But I know that he has not thought twice about me other then how he got away with what he did and he has moved on to some new supply and sadly she probably thinks he is the best thing on the planet - for now.

After nights of CD I get out of bed drained and tired. Pissed off at myself for allowing it all to happen and wasting the energy on him when he isn't worth the time spent briefly thinking about him. I know my life is so much better without him and my future is so much brighter for him not being in it but I do have negative thoughts and they aren't pretty but, unlike him, I don't act on them I just keep looking forward.

Shoud I or Shouldn't I?

It's been a bit more then a year since the last time I saw my exNarc. He has attempted contacting friends, my partner and acquaintances telling them lies about me so that they sympathise with him. My friends have ignored him, my partner can't stand him and, frankly, I could care less about the acquaintances. If they mattered in my life they would be more then acquaintances and they can believe what they want to. The interesting bit is when an "acquaintance" finds a way of contacting me and tells me about how Mr. W gave her his number or told her how I made up the engagement between he and I or I was a controlling bitch and all about money and that they wanted me to know because I seemed like a nice person and shouldn't be treated like that.

Maybe I am all about money because the amount he took from me weighs heavily on me. At times I can't believe I believed him when he said he would pay me back. He was, and probably still is, a shopaholic so all money is like sand through a sieve. He's liar and always will be. Hindsight is 20/20 and looking back all things are so clear - it's when you are in the middle of the sh*t that you don't see a thing. When you are up to your neck in double talk and lies with nothing or anyone to fall back on because you are isolated it looks like there is no way out but there is and eventually I found it but the complete loss of my financial security was the price.

After all this time -  after I have my feet firmly back under me - with an amazing man at my side and solid future ahead - should I sue him for the money owed??? I know I could win as I have numerous emails where he states "I am not like other men and steal money from women - I pay back my debts and I hate taking money from a woman" over and over again as well as texts of his emotional and verbal abuse.

But do I want to be in the same room as this low class uneducated mug? Do I want to look at someone who is so far beneath me he isn't worth the oxygen he breathes? Do I want to bring back all the memories of his devaluation and discarding of me as a partner and woman?

OR

Should I just take it as the price paid for escaping an horrific abusive relationship with a psychopathic animal who worships the violence of Jack Bauer and would speak of shooting his colleagues with semi automatic machine guns and has a collection of over 50 sharpened knives both legal and illegal. Mr. W used to talk about shooting at his neighbour's children with high powered paintball guns and it used to make me shiver because he meant it.

I could always feel the anger simmering just below the surface. Anger at the world for not respecting him and the greatness that he has in him that no one recognises but his family and those that don't really know him. He would find anyone and anything to let loose at - if it wasn't his doctors for seeing through his prescription drug addiction it was his employer for seeing him as the sciver he was or it was getting back at an ex because she treated him as crappy and disrespectfully as he treated her and he hated that.

Thinking back I knew he wasn't right for me but I wasn't sure how to pull myself out of the situation. He never liked the things I truly liked or treated me like the partner I was. He never respected my opinion unless someone else was around for him to act as if he loved me or listened to my thoughts and actually heeded them. There are times he had to listen because he wasn't educated to a level to interpret the legal processes he was entering into. I had to water down everything so he could understand it and let it all sink in.

Should I sue him? Today I am of the mind not to but I can't guarantee what tomorrow brings.....

Lessons Learned

Some of these points may be a DUH to some and sound cheesy to others but, for me, they are pretty important to moving forward:

1. Love yourself - Jerry Maguire has that famous line of "You complete me" - you know what? No one completes you - YOU complete you. Don't start something until you can look in the mirror happy with the person you are inside and out. (now I know there are bits physically we don't like about ourselves but be realistic)

2. If it's too good to be true then it is! - The speed at which Mr. W moved in order to secure me as his supply of mental, emotional and fiscal font was overwhelming. If someone - male or female - tells you within weeks they love you and want to live with you and within months want to marry you then step back and think about it - no really - why would someone be in such a rush? Are they dying within the next few weeks? I am guessing not but for them, for someone who is a Narcissist, the desperate need for ego building supply is an addiction that needs to be fed ASAP. They are emotional vampires and will drain you and leave you to die without a backward glance. As swiftly as they will sweep you off your feet this is a BIG red flag that you need to run the other way.

3. Listen to your friends - as hard as it is to see beyond the rose-tinted glasses of love/lust  your friends can see from outside the bubble what is and what isn't happening. My friends saw that an equal, loving partnership wasn't there and they told me so; they saw his disgusting behaviour with other women and told me; complete strangers came up to me to tell me what they had experienced because they felt I was too nice to be with such a man; I ignored them all after all I was a fixer and I could FIX him.

4. Fixing - there is no way you can "FIX" someone with NPD. They are selfish, ego driven, animals that thrive on instinct alone for what they need and want and your needs and wants are secondary to nothing in their world. They are psychopaths when it comes to calculating what to say and do to get the reaction they want when they want it from their supply. There is nothing about caring for your thoughts and feelings in any way, shape or form.

5. I wasn't crazy - when things don't make sense in your head then believe me, they don't make sense. Mr. W twisted my words and actions so many ways that I couldn't figure out which way was up but when he wasn't speaking or around I knew what had happened and what was said. They will make you feel like you are never right and your perception is never correct but the truth is they want you off balance so you are easier to manipulate and use.

6. There are good people out there - I got lucky and met a man who has been my rock and pillar of strength. They are out there and you eventually have to open up to them but it takes a lot of therapy, talking with friends, and soul searching to know when you are ready. Yes, you chose him but you don't have to repeat the pattern!!!

Know yourself and you will then know what you want and how you want it. This applies to life as well as the people in it. There is no need to have someone in your life that drains all passion and emotion out of you - it isn't easy but once you recognise these people it becomes easy to walk away with head held high.

If I can do it you can do it.

Aftermath

Since the finale - hmmmm - let's see - He left me bankrupt, with less friends (may have been a good thing), a distrust of almost all men, and a deep loathing of my own body. I had post traumatic stress disorder- every time I went to walk into the town we lived in I would physically shake and vomit. My sleep patterns were completely disrupted with the cognitive dissonance - the constant replay of all the stupid crap he said and did to me. I was full of shame as he had asked my father for my hand in marriage and swore we would move in together especially to pay back the thousands of pounds he owed me and I believed it all. Each time he said he would pay me back, he would take care of me financially and I was the last woman in his life - none of that was true - it was his game to reel me in and take all I had to give - mentally, emotionally and financially.

I got lucky and met B who is understanding, patient and loving. Who has been around the block a time or two like I have and understands I have this baggage. There are moments that he triggers me but he is calm about it and waits it all out. He knows I have no trust when his phone rings and he doesn't tell me who it was so he tells me every time; he knows that Mr. W was and is a thief and always pays me back as soon as possible whether it be 5 pounds or 50 he pays me back; he kisses me and makes me feel like I am the only woman in the world to him NOT competing against every female real and imagined for his attention. B is 100% real adult secure man - something Mr. W never was and never will be.

With Mr. W's broken promises my immigration status was completely messed up but after almost a year the Home Office has allowed a Leave to Remain and I have nothing to worry about as I look to find a job back closer to B.

Mr. W is a stagnated child who was spoiled to the point of never taking responsibility for his actions as a child and an adult. HIs mum passed on and his sister enables and supports his behaviours and even has some of the same over sexualised habits. He has no self worth or self esteem. He is desperate to be the centre of attention and looked up to and admired as if it was his God-given right to be worshipped. Looking back his ways are transparent and obviously rehearsed to the point of it all being automatic and he almost has no recognition that he is doing what he is doing. Everything he accused me of he himself did  - the lying, cheating, the invading of my privacy, that taking without giving back - he did it all and I was so insecure I allowed some of it but he just kept going and going. Right now the thought of him makes me sick to my stomach and angry - so very very very angry. I am working on this anger but it's not easy even after a year.

My life has not been the same since having met him - up and down but I take a bit of comfort knowing Mr. Wonderful is alone and will always be alone. He is incapable of caring about anyone but himself - he is a psychopath and it's scary to know he has a collection of over 50 knives and wishes he could have killed his last employer. He isn't stable and I am glad he is out of my life.

The Finale

Two weeks after the break up I had kept to no contact. That is so necessary in NPD relationships - the best revenge is no contact - they can't handle that your whole world isn't revolving around them and you aren't begging them to come back. Most Narcs will fabricate a reason to call you - usually using something bad or threatening - this is what Mr. W did.

It was a Friday afternoon and I was at work and i get a call on my mobile from him. I was not allowed personal calls but took it and walked out of the office. Mr. W then accused me of hacking his email but the details of what I had supposedly done didn't come out till much later. He threatened me with criminal action if I ever contacted him ever again and all this crap about Data Protection. He then sent me a warning text with stuff he had obviously cut and pasted from other sources thinking that it all sounded important but he was to uneducated to realise that all he had mentioned applied to businesses and not to personal accounts. At that point I had no idea what he was babbling about as he kept going on about how he had proof I was hacking his email and he was going to press charges. Whatever.

After this insane phone call I sent a text to his sister and politely said that it was best that we end our friendship and that she should go take care of her brother and my best to her husband and her dad. 

Mr. W then preceded to contact C and left her 7 different messages each getting angrier and angrier. One even said he was at the police station making a report about me - I did check later on and there was no report about me. C's husband was ready to ring Mr. W and tell him to stop calling C but he eventually stopped recognising which side of the fence she was on. It was in these messages that he told C to keep me away from her laptop or I would use it to hack his FB page because I had hacked his email with a virus. That is how I found out what I had allegedly done as I had had no idea previously. As I have said before, Mr. W had not the ability to understand what I did online as he was not the sharpest knife in the drawer so he just thought that because I understood how advertising works online I knew how to create a virus and deploy it - if I knew how to do that I would be getting a much higher wage. The reality of it is probably he got a virus sent to him by a program that uses a name in his address book - probably female - and he clicked on it which then caused it to populate his address book - he is too uneducated to know to not to do that - unlike the rest of the known world.

To top it all off the following Sunday his brother-in-law calls me - the husband of the sister I was friends with - and he threatens me to get out of the town we live in - after all I can move away as Mr. W can't. He also said I was effecting the happiness of his family and tearing his wife apart - I asked him if she had shown him the text I sent the previous Friday regarding the ending of our friendship - he said no - I said of course not because she is a sh*t stirrer - I told him to get his story straight before making threats. I then asked him if he was going to pay for my moving - he said no - I said then leave me alone - he said to not call Mr. W - I said I hadn't and if he said I had he's a liar - but we already knew that. I told him to tell Mr. W that if he continues to call my friends I will have him arrested and he knows what for. After that I heard nothing from them.

A week after this there was a reunion of the team Mr. W and B both played on. Mr. W posted on the board of the team that he couldn't attend due to a domestic issue involving a former girlfriend and a former player. It's interesting how he makes sure everyone is focused on him. He says he can't attend because of this issue. The truth is more likely that he doesn't have the money to act like he owns the place and buy everyone drinks so he has used this excuse not to go. If he can't be the centre of attention he won't go. He also sent an email to B. B has never showed me that email but I am sure it wasn't nice. When the evening came for the reunion people asked and when B spoke up and said it was him they all laughed because B is a well liked guy and no one ever liked Mr. W. Mr. W thought everyone admired him and gave him a position where he organised everything but the truth was no one else wanted the job so they gave it to him. Mr. W wasn't missed at the reunion.

Since then B and I have become stronger and closer. There are moments he does things that trigger me and there are times I still rage at the amount of money Mr. Wonderful took from me and never paid me back but I know I got away from a horrible situation and I am glad for it. He wasn't a man - he was a monster - a sad low class uneducated monster who would rather let everyone else take responsibility for his mistakes. He used to go on and on about how he was a real man but the truth was he was the farthest from it.

There are moments when I wonder if some poor female has now fallen for him and if I can warn her but then I know it would start all over again. The best I can do is this blog and hope someone out there is helped by it.

The End Part 2

He called me and says he had been on all these dates and that I had spoiled him. That I was the smartest woman he had ever dated and all these women were dumb. He couldn't listen to their talk talk about nothing. Of course they were all good looking and he only had a kiss and cuddle with some of them but none of them were worth his time because he had let the best one get away - me. Would I meet him for dinner at the pub?

Now understand the pub he was referring to was one I wanted to have Sunday dinner at for a year and he never took me. In fact he never took me on any real dates because that meant his paying for something that wasn't completely about himself. He didn't even pay for the pub dinner because, as usual, he didn't have the money for it so his sister gave him the money.

We talked a bit and he said he would pick me up at a certain time and afterwards we could go visit his horse. Frankly I don't know how he was able to keep his horse without my supplementing his income with my buying all the extra food and treats for him. Of course Mr. W said he would pay me back but he never did but I was worried for the animal more then anything else. I said I would listen to what he had to say and that was it. I bought a nice dress and then brought clothes for the yard.

He picked me up and sat across from him while I ordered wine with my dinner and had everything I wanted. He went on about how we both made mistakes and we both needed to make compromises. I listed off that he needed to stop with the silent mobile, and not telling women he was in a relationship, that he needed to start paying me back and taking me out. He said I needed to stop being jealous and that we all need our privacy and his needs to be respected. I said if we are in a relationship there is no privacy and nothing is hidden. He said if we aren't married then that doesn't apply. I heaved a heavy sigh - pretty sure nothing was going to change but I agreed to a trial run.

So we got back together but never were intimate. Apparently he had thrush on his tongue. He said he got it from using an inhaler I know damn well he got it from oral sex with all those women he "kissed and cuddled" while we were apart. I didn't kiss him nor did I have sex with him. The following Saturday - one week later - after our dinner we went up to the yard to see his horse and for me to see the women there I had grown close to. One of the women I really respected came in while Mr. W was riding his horse in the training ring. She and I spoke where he couldn't hear and she said to not go back to him and to leave him. That he had a number of women up to the yard to visit the horse and had said horrible things about me. I said I knew and that I wasn't convinced on anything at this point. I then ran into the stable manager and she said directly that I should not get back with him and that he's been a complete and utter jerk about me. I knew he had been - no one had to tell me different but I was playing wait and see. The following Monday I tried to call him and he didn't answer his mobile. I called him every few hours on both the mobile and home phone knowing it rings in his bedroom with no answer. That evening around 5 I get a text that says "Damn neighbours woke me up again". I knew this was a bald faced lie and he had been out with another female. I knew then and there I didn't want anything to do with him. Especially as none of his behaviours had changed and he had expected all of mine to change immediately. His phone was on silent and kept it on him at all times. He would not let me see his facebook page and he never changed his status. All in all he was truly becoming repulsive to me.

The following weekend I knew I could not stay with him and I told B on Facebook that I would break it off with Mr. W on Sunday. On Saturday Mr. W took me to the store to buy my weekly groceries and he went to the ironmongers for some stuff then said he was on the phone with a male friend. I said can see that and he said no. I then called his sister to see if he'd been talking to her and she said no. He stayed over and the next morning I told him I wasn't happy. He said oh really and I said that since he had not changed any of his behaviours that I didn't want to be with him and he needed to leave. He said I was the first woman to ever break up with him and I said it would be nice to be the first at something in his life and then he left. I doubt I am the first woman to break up with him. But when he was gone i was so relieved I called B and said let's meet for coffee and he came by and we have been inseperable since.

I can honestly say if it wasn't for B I would have never dated again but he shown me that there are kind, caring, understanding and patient men out there who are willing to get through crap and on to the good stuff.

Mr. W found out that B and I were dating and that's when the facade was gone and the vengeful cruel man came out....

The End

It's taken me awhile to come to this point. The point of being able to tell the ending. I will try to explain the emotional process I have gone through - still am in a way. After December 17, 2010 I was numb. On so many levels I was bereft of emotion. I felt empty and sad and alone but not deserted. I had my friends and though many had left me for the back and forth of my relationship with Mr. Wonderful a few had stood by me and it was one of these that stepped up and forced me to take the steps forward I needed to. Hard as it is to admit I was already emotionally detached and moving on so in a way I was only half grieving.

It was the week before Christmas and though I am Jewish all those around me were enjoying festivities and C did not want me wallowing so on Christmas day she came and got me and took me to her home where it was bright, warm and full of laughter. There was no way I couldn't smile. Gifts were given and food eaten. I was so so grateful and I hope she knew that because I can't remember if I told her how much that meant to me. C has been one of my pillars of strength. The other was a friend on FB. A man I will call B. He had made a cheeky remark on a mutual friend's page and then asked to be my friend. It turns out that he used to play on a team with Mr. Wonderful 20 years ago and knew him. He also remembered what a complete tool he was back then and after hearing what I was going through he commented that after all that time he hadn't changed much. B and I got to chatting online every night. His honest and no nonsense advice was necessary and needed. We grew close. I started speaking with him on the phone. After Mr. W dumped me we spoke often but I was afraid to see him in person because Mr. W was a vengeful cruel man and I didn't want him or any mutual friends caught in the crossfire. I removed mutual friends from my FB page so they weren't caught up in all the BS and those I considered more my friend then his I kept but warned them about what may happen.

As time went by I spoke with Mr. W's sister often as I felt she was still a friend. In truth I think I was keeping a thread of attachment because even at the worst of times I believe that there is good in people. That was and is my greatest weakness. I know now that in men like Mr. W there is no goodness just self gratifying narcissism. There were moments of utter pain and depression but I managed to keep going and being able to see my friends without worrying about not answering texts fast enough or accounting for my time was so freeing - for the first time in over a year I had a smile on my face and I felt secure in myself. January went on and I was chatting with B often. I was battered and bruised but I felt I could handle meeting another man but just not yet. February begins and I am wondering about Mr. W and his sister tells me things now and then but in the end I start to detach from her too realising that she is no better then her brother in so many ways and his enabler as well.

One day she calls me and says that Mr. W wants to talk to me and I wonder what he wants. I feel I am strong enough to listen so I say fine. He rings me and of course he says "I want to talk to you about things...."

The End....almost

I got home from the airport and my ex picked me up acting as if nothing serious had happened. He took the side of the skank he had only known for a few days over me and I was just disgusted but, frankly, was at the point of not caring. My exN was catsitting for me and I wanted to get her and get home and just get away from him. He refused to take me home so I was forced to stay at his flat until the next day. My cat never liked him and he thought she was getting used to him but during her stay she wanted away from him so bad that she hid behind his desk until he got her out. I was nauseous just being with him and we hadn't had full sex in a long time as he still couldn't get erect and I just didn't want him near me. Not because he couldn't perform but because my eyes were wide open. He had "borrowed" all my saved up money with no intent of paying me back - even though he said it over and over again - he kept his phone on silent and females were contacting me telling me how they had been with him behind my back. I was tired and done with it all. He had told me we would be married but he never bought me a ring he said we would move in together and watched me give away my kingsize bed in anticipation of our moving in together and he found a way to stop it and I was forced to sleep on a futon for a year which may have ruined my back. All these things ran through my head but his emotional abuse had rung me dry and I had lost my spine.

3 weeks after I had come home there was some sense of normalcy. I had let Mr. W use my small car as petrol was expensive and it was cheaper to run.  For a week he had it and i didn't mind it needed to be used. He had asked me to go with him to a therapist meeting at his place of work as he was fighting to keep his job - as usual. I rearranged my schedule and was up at 5:30 in the morning and went with him to his job and sat there. He hated that I had a lot to talk to the Occupational therapist about as I have a similar background. Mr. W was all about the attention as he filled out tests and forms. It was obvious that he was trying to put down what was expected and the therapist knew it. He then drove me to work.

I had a shift that ended at 8 pm and then intended on going to his flat. I called him up and asked that he use his larger 4x4 as it was snowing and it might get worse. He said fine. He picked me up and we were driving home. I was very tired and just wanted to go home but he said not to forget my laptop and I said why? and he went off and started yelling at me about how I knew exactly why we couldn't use his laptop and that he wasn't a mug and that this was about money and petrol. That the reason I asked him to use his 4x4 wasn't because of the weather but it was that I didn't want him using my petrol or spending my money.

Now I found this to be a bit amusing as he had used up all my money and I had put the petrol in the car I let him run around in for the week without expecting him to put anything in the car.

He then went on about how he didn't want to see me and was dropping me off and not to slam the door as the window was messed up. I was angry and shut the door but nothing happened to the window. He called me a bitch and demanded his keys back and threw mine at me and drove off. That was the end.

I didn't shed a tear. I just heaved a heavy sigh and called his sister and told her it was over and went up to my flat.

This may sound like the end but it isn't the end....with Narcs it never is.....

The beginning of the end...

At this point I am detaching from the relationship. I am beginning to see from an outside perspective how horrific the situation is. How broken my partner is and how he is an absolute asshole. Out of respect for his insanely possessive behaviour I tell him a month before my going to the states that I am going to meet a MARRIED old CHILDHOOD friend that I haven't seen in 30 years and we are going to have lunch. I showed my exN who this man was, that he was married with kids, that he was a prominent person in NYC and that he was a generally normal nice guy. He seemed fine with all this but as Narcs can't stand someone else's success he began to devalue and degrade my friend. Making comments about his looks and his accomplishments. I expected this and ignored him.

I counted the days till my trip. Of course, once again, my exN could not go with me as, conveniently his second surgery on his leg was scheduled so he could not fly. That was fine with me. I had already decided to break up with him in January and, besides, I could not afford to pay for him and feed him while in New York. I actually thought my exN had gotten his stuff together but I was so very wrong.

When I got to NYC I checked in and first thing I did was plug in my laptop. Understand that my exN was the last to use it in my flat in the UK looking at his FB page. As I use Firefox browser it saves the last session if it was not closed down properly. Please also understand that my exN is a computer idiot and to this day does not understand anything about how browsers/computers/internet works and seems to believe that since I worked in advertising in the internet in my past that makes me a master hacker. I opened my laptop and clicked on Firefox and it asked me to reboot my last session - I clicked on yes and up pops up my exN's FB page specifically on his private messages page and lo and behold there is a conversation he is having with one of his sister's low life skanky no morals female friend about how I hate blondes and she is the hottest thing on the planet and let's have some fun. She is completely aware that I exist and she didn't care and even said that he would be in big trouble if I found out. He simply didn't care and told her to keep her comments only to private message so that I wouldn't find out.

My stomach dropped out and I ran into the bathroom and threw up. Not only did this certify what I already believed it closed the door on my deeper emotions. I then did something I have never done before. Before I left while I was in my exN flat I saw his password next to his laptop. I memorised it. After seeing this crap on FB I opened up his mail client and typed in his email address and password and read his emails. I saw the full conversation and it was disgusting. I only did it the once and I was disgusted to find he also was back on the singles sites. That it was true that if he was breathing he was lying. I confronted him about this and he said it was nothing. I confronted the disgusting female on FB and she denied and lied just like him. A whore is whore - I would have called her a prostitute but at least they have the self respect to charge - this woman gave it away for free. Mr. W demanded that I apologise to HER. I sent her an email that said sorry for the surprise but I meant every word I said.

Not sure how to move on I skyped him and was disgusted to even see his face hearing all his lies about how he missed me. I proceeded with my holiday constantly checking in as he stalked me with texts and phone calls knowingly running my mobile phone bill into the hundreds of pounds. The day I went to meet my childhood friend I showed my exN my new outfit. It happens that my friend made reservations at an exclusive private club for lunch so I had come unprepared and had to buy clothes for it. I dressed up to impress my exN and unbeknownst to me, he saw it as getting ready to cheat with another man. Pot calling kettle....

I left my hotel and headed over to the lunch. I told my exN that it would be about 90 minutes total. When I got there it was the policy of the club to turn off all phones and not to put them on the tables. I did this. When I got out of a lovely lunch and got back to the hotel I found 7 phone calls and 8 texts calling me a lying cheating whore. As we know Narcs transfer to their supplies what they themselves are doing so I was shocked but then not so much. I called him and he accused me of all this crap and I was tired of it all so I cut off the call and went out. I came back and got some dinner and then called him and he was all about loving me etc. His usual game of abuse me then love me. He ruined my holiday with my family once again.

He did the same thing when I went a day later to see the latest Harry Potter with a girlfriend. What I did back was a bit cruel due to the time difference but what I did was every hour or so I sent him a text about where I was and what I was doing. Things like "I am drinking my water now" or "we are walking down the street" or "I am going to the bathroom now". He got really irritated because it was 2 am his time, not that it mattered, he wasn't working (as usual). I finally stopped but he got the message a little bit I think.

I left for my sister's home the next day and there is where he confronted me about looking at his email. I told him yes I looked and told him what I saw and he was all about how he wasn't doing anything and cybersex is just a bit of "banter" and nothing more. I told him it was cheating and he then said you hacked my email and it escalated from there. I knew then this had to end but I would wait till after the holidays because I had a bit of respect for that time of year.

Well one of us did....

No such thing as normal

So time is going by.

Weekend after weekend of what he wants to do when he wants to do it and how he wants to do it.

Now don't get me wrong I love horses and country music and an occasional watching of the series of 24 but Mr. W. idolised Jack Bauer almost like he was a real person. Any TV show that was military themed and American he viewed like a rabid dog. He said time and again he should have joined the military when he was younger. All I kept thinking was how much worse would he be now if he also had the discipline to follow up all his fruitless endeavours?

Day after day of how awful his work was and how he was going to win all this money from suing them. He had slipped on a stair tread at work aggravating his already damaged achilles tendon so he chose to sue them because, contrary to his constant berating me about being about money, all he wanted was money. Lots of it. Mine was running out so he slowly started to do and say the things to further devalue me. There wasn't a day that didn't go by that he would mention one or two of his exes and how hot they were or they looked like this or that celebrity. I saw pics of these women but they were far from celebrity attractive and mostly were low class non-educated women with children. Very few were like myself who actually had careers. I believe there were 3 out of the couple of dozen of women he would brag about. Most of the decent ones were when he was very young and hadn't perfected his style of Use Abuse and Cast aside.

Mr. W had this dream in his head about going to work on a ranch in Arizona for a month. Now let me tell you we are not talking about a true working ranch where you have to get up at dawn and go out and check on cattle via horseback for 14 hours then come home - we are talking about a RESORT ranch where the only thing you are taking out are people on horseback a few times a day. He went with one of his exes to this ranch and got to know the owners because that is what he does and the owner told him he could come work for a month in exchange for room and board. The owner saw free labor standing there so he said ok. Mr. W acted like they were best buddies but I am sure the owner could care less because Mr. W has said for years he is going but has managed to find a way to not to do it especially if I was involved. 3 times we discussed this - the first time he had his leg in a cast and he couldn't do it then the second time the volcano in iceland stopped flights and he refused to pick another date for us to travel and the third time he said he wanted to go but he didn't want me to go for any part of it. I remember he said "Don't you trust me?" I said "Hell no."

The entire summer of that year went mostly without a hitch but my self esteem was gone and my self worth was in the toilet. He kept going on about how I had to lose weight when I had recently lost 6 stone - he used that crap line of "This is only for your health" and "I am being on honest" line as well. He them began a new thing of telling me that my house was disgusting and I had poor personal hygiene. Let's see I don't have time to clean my flat as I was catering to his every whim and errand and making sure I wouldn't say or do anything to start a rage or childish tirade where he doesn't answer his phone or says he may not wake up in the morning and I can have his horse.

Months go by of his making more and more comments and his talking to more and more females. He's back on FB and flirting with women but won't let me see his page. He continues to lie to his exes and never tell them he has a partner. He said, again we would move in together so I gave my expensive bed to charity only for it not to happen again. My accounts are empty but I am looking forward to seeing my family at Thanksgiving and, once again, he won't be with me because, coincidentally, his second surgery is scheduled so he can't go. How convenient.

Not once did Mr. W ask about my family or how any of them were doing. He would ask me how my day was but within minutes the conversation would turn to hm and his needs and wants and what a victim he is. It was all about feeding his desperate need for attention.

At this point no engagement ring, we haven't moved in together and his belittling of me and my life continues and his verbal and emotional abuse escalates when he realises that my bank accounts are empty.

I need out and I have concluded it is time to go. In my head I have begun to detach from this horrible man. As much as I love him I don't deserve to be treated like this - my depression has taken hold but the only way out is to rid myself of him. Maybe there is a way to salvage this but I will see how I feel after I get back from my family holiday.